HARRY'S POV
I hadn't slept on the whole night. I've been crying. Crying over Niall. I do love him. But I can't tell I love him. The management would kill me. I have been texting Niall the whole night - without getting any answer. He hates me. For sure. I broke his heart. And I can't make him better. The thought made me feel like an asshole.
Niall is the only person I could think of right now. But he hates me and won’t accept my apology no matter how many times I apologizes. It’s my own fault. I should just die. He would be happier.. Everyone would. I only makes everyone sad. Niall wouldn’t even care. But suicide could end everything. My pain. All my problems. That no one knows about - only Niall.
When I told my parents I was gay, my dad beat me. He said it was something wrong with me and he doesn’t love gay people. It broke my heart. I’m not loved by my dad. He’s my dad, he shouldn’t be mad at me because I am gay. He called me words everyday when I was at his house when my mum worked late or something. “gay. worthless. ugly. idiot. stupid. mistake. talentless. useless. dumb. emo. disgusting. weird. fat”. Words hurts, a lot. I still cries every night because my dad never was there for me after, as my mum was. I love her so much. She hugged me and said “it’s alright baby. I still love you.Thanks for telling us. Want me to tell Gemma?” and I’m lucky to have my mum there, because she’s amazing. She really is. She’s there for me whenever I need her. I just text her and she answers. That’s what I need to do now..
I don’t know what time it is or not even what day it is. I don’t care either. It’s light outside so I think it’s afternoon, or maybe it’s just me who’s imagining. I don’t care eating breakfast, why should I?
I crawled out of my bed and I still had the same clothes and yesterday or whenever I had the interview. I took off my clothes and walked to the bathroom. I turned the shower on and took off my boxers and stepped into the hot shower. I just stood there - with my head down, thinking. Thinking of Niall. Thinking of my life. If I should keep live my life. I’m lucky I’ve got this far with the band, but I miss when I was a normal person.. I still am, but people only likes me because I am in One Direction. Niall, knows the real me - and the lads. They know what I like and dislikes. It’s good to hang with someone who knows what you actually likes, but now I can’t hang with Niall or the lads.. Or I can hang with the lads but yeah, I don’t want to right now..
I took shampoo into my wet hair and started to massage my head. Niall loved my apple smell on my hair.. I washed it away and started to tear up. Niall.. I miss him so much.. But it’s my own fault. I’m gonna get him back.
After I washed my body, I stepped out and dried myself. Then I got back to my bedroom and heard my phone buzzing. Twitter. Niall tweeted.
“@NiallOfficial: nekorb”
What? I tried to hold my phone upside down, but didn’t saw what he wrote. Then I saw it. Backwards it’s broken.. What have I done. He’s in pain, because of me. Fucking management. Why can’t they let me be with him?! Why can’t they let me tell the world I love him?!
I felt a tear fall down from my left eye. When a tear first falls down from your left eye it’s pain, if it falls down from you right, it’s happiness. I felt a very big guilty inside me. I need to tell him now. I took up my phone and struck his number. The first signal, the second signal, the third signal..
“W-What do you want?” Niall sobbed. I could hear how much pain he was in. Heartbroken.
“I’m so so so so so sorry Niall. I love--” I tried but he cut me off.
“You don’t love me! You only say that because you feel guilty! You faked everything! There is no us! You ruined it! Just-- I don’t wanna talk with you”
