My Rants

I hate everything

I don't know anything anymore. Fucking hell, just when I thought I was finally gonna get my shit together. My brother leaves for college tomorrow and my family is...ugh. I don't even know what to say. My mom has been yelling all day because she's been sick all week and my brother hadn't packed anything despite her constant reminders so she packed a lot of his things today.  And my brother was in a bad mood because my mom was yelling at him. I took a 4 hour test and came home from 7 hours at SAT classes to them yelling at each other. I was gonna stay out of it but I played mediator again and I got them to compromise.

I'm so fucking tired of this shit. I'm the youngest but more times than I can count I'm the one being mature. I'm the one solving the problems. I'm the one making an effort to see everyone's point of view.

And for the last couple weeks I can try to say something and mid-sentence I'll get cut off because someone remembered something college related they have to do. At first I was like "Oh my God there is so much to do." And I like didn't mind because I got that they were trying to make sure everything went smoothly, but now I'm just like  "for God's sake let me finish one goddamn sentence".

And then to top it off I've been meaning to try and get a good cry in for the last couple weeks because I had noticed that I kept stopping myself from crying because I was out in public. It can't be healthy to keep all of that in, so I was like it's all good I'll cry when I get home. What the fuck what I thinking? There's no fucking on off switch for crying. It doesn't fucking work like that.

Of course today of all days the dam had to break. Of course today of all days my dad chooses to give me the goddamn lecture on clothing choice again. Like I fucking get it, there are perverted creeps out there that think disgusting thoughts when they see a girl wear a v-neck or short shorts. But like my dad, the person who I have gone to crying on multiple occasions because of how hard it is for me, as a tall girl, to find clothing that I feel comfortable and pretty in, should know that it's more important for me to feel confident and happy than what some creep I'm never going to see again thinks. He saw this girl on the subway today that reminded him of me and he was really upset because he saw a bunch of guys giving her disgusting looks. Like that sucks and is disconcerting but it took me a long time to be comfortable with myself. And even now I'm not super comfortable in my skin. So when my parents are constantly telling me to cover up or that I'm dressing in clothes that are more and more revealing I feel like shit. I like the clothes I wear and when they say stuff like that it makes me feel like a slut and I feel bad about liking the clothes I like. It's insane because I'm going to be 16 I'm not trying to be super sexy but like, yeah, I wanna look hot for my junior year. I don't do it for guys, I do it for myself because like I said I feel more confident when I look good. And for the love of God I have never been asked out, is it really wrong for me to maybe want that for myself. I'm not changing myself to get a boyfriend because I know I wouldn't be able to keep up the facade anyway.... it's just not me. I don't want a guy who doesn't want the real me. Back to the clothes, if I don't wear v-neck and short shorts now, am I going to wear them when I'm fucking 80? It's not like I wear super revealing clothes either. The difference is I am tall and decently well-endowed. If I was petite my parents could care less, but I'm not. I literally live in sweatpants and jeans and ratty t-shirts. I show cleavage once a year and now that's an issue too. Boo fucking hoo!