lou's neverending

liar

"so lin, have you ever kissed anyone?"

i glance at lou

"no" i lie

i lied

i lied

officer z found out about how i felt about lou

he said he won't tell anyone

officer z is so nice

he told me that it's okay that i felt the way i did about lou

i nod

but i don't believe him

officer z said i should go to a therapist to talk about the suicide

i told him that i don't

he shakes his head

we do not speak

"z, i can't"

"why not?"

"i'm not sick, i'm just.....you know"

"nothing's wrong with you, but you've just been through a traumatic experience, it's not about you being....you know"

i nod again

"please"

"i'll think about it z"

"good"

officer z leaves

el and i sit on the couch

"so" i start

"why did you do it?" i turn towards them

el narrows their eyes

"we got into a fight, and it got out of hand"

they pause

"he told me about you and him and how he wants to move out with you and leave me, and i yelled at him, and then it escalated, you know we usually fought, so i punched him, he punched me back, and well, you saw the end"

my eyes water

"you monster" i say and stand up

"you pretend it was him, like he did anything wrong, you're the one who did it, don't you feel any remorse, regret? anything?!"

"we were going to move out, and get an apartment, i loved him, and you hated him, why would you even care if he left?!"

el starts to speak

"save it" i tell them

i storm upstairs

i go to bed

i'm alone in my bedroom

i'm alone in my

i'm alone in

i'm alone

i'm

he's dead