3AM prose: tl;dr

philosophy

philosophy.

last week, i learned from my philosophical anthropology class that what sets philosophy apart from the empirical anthropological sciences is that the latter focuses merely on the aspects of man, while the former focuses on the essence of man.

this morning, i learned from looking at you that what sets you apart from others that captured my interest is that i like only certain things about them, while i am intrigued by everything about you.

now, i hate conforming to things and just accepting things without justification. i like to believe that all truths are just pending lies waiting to be debunked because everything is constantly in a state of flux anyway and there's no such thing as permanence.

writing that, i realized that the impossibility of us is a truth i am willing to wait forever to be proven a lie because one day, gravity will be disproven, and so will the law of supply and demand, and so will everything we've considered constant, and so will the impossibility of us.

so i will wait even until everything disproven becomes proven and wait again until they're disproven and i will wait even until the words proven and disproven and truth and lie become meaningless and synonymous and until you and i are the only words that have meaning.

now, what differentiates us beings from each other is our essence because it's essentially our basic nature. reading that, i realized that if that's what it is, then it is in my essence to fall for brown eyes and genuine smiles and tripping over nothing and your dumb obsession with milk tea that's too sweet for you and your inability to go for an hour without making a dumb joke and just you, you, and you.

okay, don't freak out. just because it's in my nature to fall for you doesn't mean that i have fallen for you, nor does it mean that i am falling for you. i mean, it is also in my nature to avoid danger when i'm in its presence or just eat when i'm hungry or hurt people when i'm angry but i can choose to stray away from these. as someone who's been raised to be assertive, it is in my nature to say how i feel to whom i feel for, yet here i am writing and anonymously publishing dumb writings about you in a platform you're in (though you're on the other side) and hoping you find them yet hoping you don't.

what i'm trying to say is that i can talk about philosophy for hours but i can talk about you for lifetimes and i hate philosophy because it fucks with my head and i hate you because you fuck with my heart and hate is just my way of saying love and yes, i've gone with my nature and fallen in love with you and yes, i told you a while back that my words didn't mean that i was falling in love with you but as truths are pending lies, lies could also be pending truths, and this whole love and life and philosophy bullshit is just a bunch of paradoxes that don't make sense and nothing makes sense and i can already see the sun rising through my window and i love you.