Have you ever considered what it’s like to be different in a normal world? *From the library.
Today I was labled a freak.
I will set the scene of where I am first – I don’t know, it may help. I’m staring at a pile of law books and I can’t bring myself to do my assignment; it bores me. So I decided to do a bit of self-therapy. There is a grey haired man with a sort shaggy beard and long wavy locks. Yeah he amuses me. Then there are the milk twins who I always see, I think they listen to audio books ‘cause they just sit there and stare into space or at each other. That’s foreign to me. And then there is who I first determined as mother and son (they look alike) but I think it’s either a teacher, tutor or child support worker, they seem to be having a good time which makes me smile. I like libraries – which makes me weird I know – but someday I dream of having a house and a small library full of science books and plays and novels and biographies and anything I can find that I will enjoy. And there will be one shelf of books I’ve read and another of books I have to read and there will be one couch and one warm fire and one large window so I can see my beautiful Scottish weather and if I’m lucky one skylight so I can read under the stars and moon – but in comfort ‘cause who can focus on a good book when they’re freezing to death? I don’t see myself with someone, I don’t see myself in that way, I suit solitude and I’m terrible at relationships, I drive people insane and I don’t think I can care enough for someone, I want to travel with my job, I want to live in South Africa – why? For the rugby of course, I’m joking through having access to really good rugby would be great but I don’t know. Just something about South Africa seems right. Oops a happy blonde woman has just walked in and is reading a paper – turns out she’s the boy’s mother, look I made it full circle, go me! Ok that’s enough, back to today.
Some people aren’t normal: today I was labled as a freak; a word that quite honestly I don’t like (to be frank it makes me think of a band that I love who wrote a song “Freak like me”), I take pride in the fact that I’m different – I love it actually! Who the fuck wants to be normal? They don’t do stupid things for the sake of it: the go to concerts not gigs, they dye their hair blonde, get alright tattoos and boring piercings, but if they’re happy then why should I care?
Usually I don’t but it can be hard some days. I tried the whole normal thing… yeah, didn’t work out, turns out the normal would can’t handle me. Loads of people tell me I should be a certain way but I just can’t, they tell me to try and fit in but why am I changing my fundamental to be like them? I accept that you have to bend but when someone asks you not to be you… what does that mean? I’m me, is that really so bad? I’m not hurting anyone and they’re not hurting me, why can’t we just be each other and get on, let’s stop naming what we are and exist together (and yeah I know I’m naming groups but I’m trying to be relatable here, give me a break dudes).
So what am I? I am different: you’ll never know my name, you’ll never know my face, I’m just an electronic voice writing to you; I am real, I am brutally honest – well as honest as I can be without telling you things that could show you who I am – I am reasonably intelligent, I’m not that attractive, I’m a teenager, I don’t drink, I live my life with regrets of my mistakes, not some drugs, I’m catholic, I love rock music, I love science, I read books, and most importantly I am an opportunity hunter . I am male/female (what does it matter, you’ll probably figure that out but that’s alright.)
So do I look like a freak? No. I but I don’t look normal, I don’t know how to, I wear clothes from all the same shops as normal people but yet I don’t look the same; I wear band t-shirts sometimes, I wear jeans a lot, I have a pair of Dr. Martins, I wear hoodies, I wear leather jackets. I am not as obvious as some but my actions are sorta a bit out there. I know that but you can’t really forget me, and isn’t that a good thing, to make an impression who wants to be forgotten in a moment from being so boring– sure I would prefer it to be a good one but I can’t please everyone in this world so I’m not even going to try. I have a few anger problems – me and the wall often have a falling out when I get annoyed, and I snap – fast. When I get like that I know I can’t do anything I just stick on some awesome band – AC/DC usually does it – and calm myself and drift into sleep.
Do you ever feel like the world is pointless, I can’t find the meaning of it, I just don’t get it, don’t quite get why we all exist, people always ask me why I believe in God, because I need something to keep me living. If something doesn’t have a point then I won’t do it- and when people ask” why do you read comics then?” I tell them “Because it makes me happy and I enjoy it” to me the enjoyment of something is a good enough reason, stop making excuses for why you do things and just do it if you want to. If I don’t I would just sit there thinking about ways to die and that’s a pretty shit existence so I’ll just throw myself into things that seem amazing and enjoy them. If I could draw then I would draw how I feel but due to by ill skill in that department I write instead. Seriously; I draw wonky smiley faces and rubbish stick men, it’s pretty damn pathetic.
I’m Scottish, would I say I’m proud of it? Sometimes, I just don’t think my nationality makes me who I am you know. I’m definitely a city dweller; I like the hustle and bustle but only when it’s fast; a message to slow walkers
“How can you walk slow? How can your life be so leisuly that you will take the longest possible time to get from A to B, ok if you don’t know where you’re going that’s fine but DEAR LORD DON’T JUST STOP WALKING! I bump into you and you look at me as if it’s my fault, what the hell? I’m not the idiot who caused it, you are. Yours always”
So what else? Oh yeah, I said I’m reasonably intelligent, well I’m currently in my first year of university, and sorry stalkers, I’m not telling you which one, my dad taught me better, actually my dad would be pretty pissed and dissappointed if he read this. Disclosure- “bad language alert”. That should have been in the title I think but oh well, I’m too lazy to edit this. I’m doing a course that everyone deems to be bellow me, I’m a 4A and one B student which in my opinion isn’t that great, everyone thought I would end up in science, I had a natural gift with it – apart from physics, I just don’t get it – but chemistry especially and I found biology interesting, I’m one of the people who watches and enjoys dissections, to me it’s a beautiful symphony, a street lit walk home with the perfect song playing on a great night. I wish there was a job that all I had to do was dissect rather than learn all the biology of it, but then what would the point of it be – and we’re back to reasoning, I’m a bit of a rambler sorry but that’s the mind, it isn’t always linear, when it comes to academics I need the black and white, stop it with the grey, it’s either right or wrong, who came up with the ideas of ‘almost right’ NO, do you know what almost right is ? It’s fucking wrong! And look at me; I went off on a tangent from a ramble.
So what else? Oh yeah the whole ‘ freak’ thing, I feel I may be over reacting but I don’t see why different is a bad thing, sure I’m studying for a degree that ‘unusual’ people aren’t meant to do. It’s a world full of ‘pink men’ in suits feeling like they’re the rulers, which they are but stop telling them that, they’re egos are already bigger than their pay check. I love the phase “pink men” – there was this guy who was teaching us about equality and he used it and when you think about it Caucasians aren’t white, they’re pink/peach. Anyone who disputes the fact that business is run by white me in this nation go out and prove it to me, and if you can then ok, I’m open to debate and my mind being changed. But just think about it, our prime minister is white, he is male, there has only been one female prime minister and to stop you before you try and start an argument with me, I am not examining the woman’s actions or what she did or if she’s great or what I think about her death. I’m just focusing on gender and colour here which is quite a funny sentence to write. But yeah that sort of stuff interests me, ‘cause if you think about it, white people are pretty shit at things, and men aren’t always great either, they can’t make the decisions for females cause they don’t know what they’re like and females can’t do it for men, that’s why we have both, so how did pink men become a dominant? Your guess is as good as mine because we whites are shit at it.
I think I can call it a day there but just a little thought; how did the hierarchy system end up the way it is? How can you determine who or what is a freak? And what information do you have to know about someone to ‘know them’: do you have to know someone’s name face, age, and gender to know what they are?
