The Affliction - (Completed)

The Affliction

  I lay in bed, facing the window whose curtains were partially open, letting in rays of moon light that reflected silver off of the surfaces of everything it touched. I haven't had a decent night's sleep since the dinner. I just had one thing on my mind and it played in my head like a big brass band, preventing me from sleeping, weakening my performances during the day. I just didn't know how to bring it up.

I was afraid to bring it up, unsure of how it would affect our relationship. But I knew I had to do it eventually. I feel, though, that I left it too late. The dinner afore mentioned was our third year anniversary as a couple, where he had proposed to me, and I said yes. It was beautiful; such melody it was; the clinking of cutlery on porcelain platters mixed with the chatter of numerous couples, the hiss of steam from the kitchen as chefs prepared our meals. The smell of the all familiar restaurant was a parade for the senses.

Unfortunately, after three years of being together and now engagement, the subject may be a little sensitive. "I should not have left it this long."

Although I whispered, it was enough to make Chris stir, turning around and drowsily open his eyes. "You said something?"

I smiled down at him. "No. It's nothing. Sorry to wake you."

Chris looked at me, inquisitively. I could tell he knew something was wrong. "You know, lately, you've seemed distant. More so than just keeping personal space and not sharing your tea."

"Oh? How so?" I had hoped I played cool all this time. I knew I avoided him to a degree, but surely not enough for him to really notice?

"Small talk. No long conversations that progress from topic to topic, and whenever I want to talk to you, you seem to 'be too tired'."

"I am tired though."

"No Ella." Chris sat up, and turned to his side, facing me and staring intently. "This is different. This is avoidance. Don't..." he looked down, threading his fingers though his distressed hair and ruffled it in slight frustration. Then, letting out a sigh, looked up, vulnerable. "Are you having second thoughts?"

I was taken aback. Not at all sure how to respond. How could he think I would second guess my decision?

"Never."

A look of relief flooded into his features and he let out a nervous giggle. "Thank goodness."

I would have laughed with him, but I had to tell him.

"Chris?" I asked. He looked up with a smile on his face, upon reaching my gaze it fell. "I need to talk to you." I've been dreading the day I have this conversation with him. "There's something you don't know. But first, are you sure you're okay with our not being..... Sexually intimate?"

"Of course. Waiting until marriage is perfectly respectable." He propped himself up and rested his back against the head board beside me.

I wrung my hands in my lap. "What if we never do it? Could you deal with that?"

He tilted his head, eyes inquisitive. "Well, not forever, why? Where is this coming from?"

"Chris, I don't want to wait until marriage. I don't want to do it at all."

He sat up straighter, panic struck his features as he darted his eyes around the room before finding mine. "Have I done something wrong?"

"Oh no! No no no. You haven't it's just..."

"Ella, what is it? You can tell me anything. You know that."

I looked down, biting so hard blood drew from my bottom lip. I shifted my body around sitting Indian style across from him.