8.8.16

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Auguest 8th 2016

He steps out on to the stage.
I can see him.
And I think about how much I enjoy seeing him.
I don't mean for my thoughts and mind to drift there- and I definitely don't mean for them to wander in that direction as quickly as they do.
Honestly, it's just natural.
When you look at someone you love, you can only think of the beauty they possess; you can only think of how they hold your heart. You're swept away with just one look at them
And when they look back at you, you're gone.
You're not even you. You're a puddle. A mess of everything you have ever been and wish to be and want and love.
But he isn't looking at me. Not yet at least.
He's in the zone, and by zone, I mean that he is IN the zone. But it's Tyler's Zone. Which means there are voices and feelings and thoughts and things attacking. That's how it always is for him and not just when he is on stage but especially when he is on stage. Right now he is thinking his makeup is too light. That he can't possibly go out there like-Yikes.
I have to get out of there.
I can't stay in that room of my mind.
If I do, I will lose it. I will lose everything that it is that is keeping my butt on this drum stool.
Tyler's pain is my weakness.
It's no surprise I'm thinking of it though. I hate when he is trapped there in that part of his mind; that part that is darker than any makeup he has ever worn. That part that is a mass that takes up too much of his mind. Tonight that black mass is shouting and screaming and it's no surprise.
This is a big night for us. And every night is, but the pressure is on. They're expecting so much more of us than normal.
Clique aside.. I know there are things inside of me that are expecting so much of me and are also expecting so little of me. Which has me thinking..
Tyler has to be a mess tonight.
I hope he knows how good he'll do tonight. As if the exuberant amount of messages I sent him today aren't enough of a reminder..
Er-I just said I wouldn't allow myself to stay a slave to these thoughts right now!
But..
I just really want him to remember.
It's taking everything in me to not break through this barrier that is keeping us apart.
When did the very thing that so frees me become a prison cell? Never. Not until tonight anyways. These drums that have helped me break through so many things on so many nights - they are simply suffocating me. Because if it wasn't for this set of crashing metal pieces and booming boxes around me, I would run over there and remind him. Hold him and make sure he knew. That he knew how good he is gonna be tonight.
My safe place is behind my drums, but tonight, I'm not safe there.
Tonight, my safe place is standing over there in the shadows - and he's pacing back and forth.
He's rubbing his wrists.
He's pulling his mask down further.
He's shaking.
He's jumping.
Now he's back to pacing.
They're not ready for him, and honestly, I don't know if I'm ready either.