A few tears and a drop of rain

Another day, another disappointment.

Life is not easy. You are living proof of that. As the sun rises and another day begins, all you can think about is, "Oh great, another day; another disappointment; another day to make a fool of myself." You put on your clothes and reflect on the days where you had a different attitude - days where you actually hoped something good would happen; days where you hoped that you didn't make a fool of yourself. Another day. Another day to turn over a new leaf.

Now you know not to think like that. Because if you thought optimistically as the sun rose, highlighting the lawn and flowers and trees and fresh, fresh shrubs, you would only come back depressed, your heart sinking like an anchor that had been lowered into water.

You know now though. You know now that you should not expect great changes over one simple day. Unless you're Cinderella or the Fairy Godmother or the King himself, you know not to expect this. High expectations could be damage your self-esteem especially if they are unreachable. In fact, it would probably take your whole life to make a difference. To make a change. This thought doesn't comfort you at all.

You know it's not bullying. You know there's nothing wrong with your situation at all. In fact, many people have been telling you so. "You're so lucky." "I can't believe you get to go on holidays each year." "Please let me be you!"

In fact, you feel stupid because you shouldn't feel upset at all. But you can't help it. You just do.

It took a long while but you suddenly realise.

You know it's friends. Ever since you were a toddler, you were always socially retarded. You wuld say hello to friends and then, all of a sudden, you wouldn't know what to say. You would feel stupid, humiliated, as you stood there, worrying over what the hell you were going to talk about. Because all the topics you could talk about - has just disappeared into thin air. You don't know any bands, celebrities, movies you recently watched. All you can do is sit with your mouth open like a stupid goldfish. You do have friends. But that's not why you're upset.

You're upset not because you don't have friends, but because you don't have true friends.

It took a long while to figure this out too.

It happened one lesson when your teacher asked you to talk about a friend, a true friend - that is a friend that would help you in a time of need. You think about this. Who, for example, would drive for two hours to pick you up if your car broke down? You try to think of a person but no one comes to your mind. You feel saddened, dismayed.

You look around at your smiling friends and yet you knew none of them would help you out in a time of need.

You know because every time you sat down together in a line they would leave you on the very edge - disposable if need be.

You know because every time we would get together, you were the last one to be remembered. It would be after a few days or so, then one of them would realise they forgot to invite you. Even so, you feel that they only felt obliged to invite you. You know that if there was a way to push you aside without it seeming rude or upsetting, then they would.

These facts dig into you as you get dressed and go downstairs. You get on your school bus and drive off to school.

"Right now," you think, "they would have all caught the train and went to school together." Because you were just the extra, you've realised that for a long time. You've realised that as you cried yourself to sleep, because to be factual, you know you live in a world full of friendly strangers. You are a dessert - a little bit sweet, but not necessary to have. Not at all.