Heart Out

Narration

I remember I was 15, playing in the sitting room with little sister before I leave for the boarding school. Prior to this we were four talking en laughing, Mama, Yaabati, Aina'u en me. But Yaabati received a call from a friend, because he was to return to school that day which I also twas to resume to mine. Though, mine turned out negative because the unity schools all went on strike that day. While we were playing, there was a knock en suddenly a push through the door, we realised someone new was home, so we swiftly left the sitting room en ran for the room. I heard mama's voice en knew she was speaking to the friend of Yaabati, so I slipped through the room porch en peek from the curtains to see who en what he looked like. I found him tall, fair, very cute even if I only saw a quatre of his face. Then I immediately returned back to the room to avoid being caught.

Mama gave me an errand to my Auntie en I was to go quick, so I changed from my school checks into a yellow outie. As I walked almost into the sitting room, he was still standing. I came so close, till I could not move my feet any further, like I found a new moon they got stuck to the floors. While he kept starring at me, I was also stiff looking so lost like I had never seen a human before. Mama's voice awakened my heart en I quickly rushed to where I was about to go so I could come back en meet my wonder at home. Though on my return, he was already leaving the gates for school. This was my first encounter with you which was sometime in September 2009.
Times pass. I attended a very strict girls boarding school, we were about writing our last exams so we needed people who will assist us with expos. Yaabati attended a Mixed boarding school so my friends got their contacts so we could speak to him to help us out, fortunately our first call was picked by my wonder human. He told us he was out en when he got back he promised to call us back. 3 days later he fulfilled his promise, en that was the beginning of our friendship. We became so close that we spoke at night for hours. Butterflies began to storm in my stomach when I saw his calls. I turned 16 en we still remained closer right until we both graduated. He had a girlfriend all this time, he was 19 en almost 20. I was 16. I had never been in love nor even had a lover before. So this first feelings with him were wondrous. I had a best friend at high school who we had both insisted on staying out of love until we are 18 en married by 25. We were so young then en had so many wishes never knowing my hearts would faint for another soon. We both graduated en still kept in touch, he was already a friend to my family, Mama always kept our friends soo close, so he had a free ticket a million times to come to our home. I had a chance to see one I love. On October 14, 2010 I accepted him as my boyfriend, the first time I told a person I love them. We were both very happy. Days ran bye, almost running out of 2010 he asked me to be his wife; for us to be married. I found it very weird en crazy. He was already 20 en I was 3 months to 17. He kept onto this demands for months, en I kept taking it down. In 2011, a Month en 3 days, February 3, 2011, I saw him last before he travelled abroad for the university on the 6th of February, 2011. I felt sad, but I was happy because of the million promises he made, to always be there. I didn't go to the university, en I wasn't disturbed at all. I became so addicted to the Web en that became the order of the day, en I was preoccupied on writing a book on music en religion or becoming a blogger rather than having my but in another school for some years again.
I got am admission to the university en I wasn't even interested in going, my wonder human was very kind to talk me to go. He really admonished me en wooed me into liking the university. I went happily, though I had another plan to promote my music love. I achieved this because I was the first female performing act in the university. Then came 2012 February, exactly a year, he returned back to Nigeria en he came to see me just few days after his arrival. I was soo happy. I couldn't contain my joy, en I had promised to hug him when I see him, but I was so shy that, I only slipped into the couch en smiled sheepishly. He was so cute, with a calm face, en a very outspoken attitude. He quickly reminded me of my promise then pushed me around, he made me laugh in a million ways. I stayed back at home for 3 days, en had to return to school on Sunday evening, while he left on the Tuesday. Days later, I broke up with him. The ironic path of it was that we kept on acting like lovers till the year almost ran out, though our closeness elapsed slowly.
We hardly spoke, en were both living our lives on different sides. I denied myself his affection or love. There was year we never spoke, this widened our path ways. During this time of his return we didn't meet too.
I began to feel lost of love. It was so hard for me to even love another. I kept my still. I never had anything beyond friendship to do with any man. I was so free that I my music, my poetry en the most loving friends I had made life so beautiful en I felt less pain. Though I still couldn't withhold my pen from writing about my wonder human. En less than a month before he passed away I had written a poem about him. He had a space that no one ever occupied. Because despite the break up, we were still good friends.
Years passed, en my love for another wasn't impossible, I fell in love again. This was my second time en I always prayed it be my last. I wasn't turned on by relationship, if it was left for me I would have never gone into one. I would have just love to marry en have children so no one would ever have to say they once had something like...yadda yadda yadda to do with me. But you don't decide totally about your life, because destiny has a strong hold on one side. The day I thought of having a new love, prior to my saying yes, I'd called my wonder human to ask how he was doing en from the conversation he confessed he had had 3 ex after we parted(I don't know now if it was to piss me of), but he had it on me. I felt betrayed like I hadn't love another: while I had been busy waiting; my pain was being celebrated, so I accepted my new love.
It has been very very exciting with this new one, that I couldn't leave no matter what. I guess I had to loose to win. All I was after from a person was a pure soul; with such kind of human I believed I could find a sincere heart, love, peace, trust, loyalty, humility, adoration. A man could give this with a pure soul, I may have not had all but I had enough from my new one. This made it so unthinkable to let go what I have already for another I had left behind before. I only wanted to water the new plant I had begot in the best way I can. What I needed was happiness not money. I need wealth, that could not be bought. I needed the things that I could not find everywhere. Those things that are very hard now to be part of us. I craved for modesty, for integrity, decency en worth. En I felt I had it all. So I never wanted to loose what I already have, for something I once had en I'm not sure off.
Now that I was pretty good. I found a new wondrous human. My first wonder human...now he wanted us back again, together. We had both grown up gain, older than the 20 en 17 we used to be. With tears in my heart, I obliged the many times. The many times he asked if I still do love him, I lied, to keep away. I did all I could to always erase the chats, calls on the dialer, text, from my phone. I had even insisted that we never spoke again one time. But I'm quiet glad we kept peace moths before his forever goodbye. The pain I feel is the pain I denied. No matter how mistaken, wrong or right you are the one you adore once gone, would make you cry.
He was a very compassionate soul with a free and fairy heart. Something soo awesome and exciting. You are path of my memory. I adore you. Till we meet you on the other side.

May your soul be in peace
May your sins be forgiven
En those gone before you.

May you find eternal peace. Amin.

For anyone who reads, make du'as (prayers) for the dead.