New To This (boyxboy)

Chapter Fifty-Four

Dany1908, here's another one for you ya filthy animal "home alone reference don't take offence."

I stood under the shower ignoring the water as it began to get cold, it really didn't bother me one bit because once again I was feeling numb, just like I had the day after Nash told me why he had really been with me, to be honest at that point I had really wanted everything to stop, for everything to vanish and let me be on my own, I wanted to die, even before then I had that feeling in me, but it was hidden deep inside of me buried by the feeling's of love I got from my family and Nash, they protected me and kept me safe from it, but then it all turned to ash after what he told me, after what he did to me, stole from me, even then I still tried to keep it a bay because I still had my family and I thought they would always love me and be there for me, boy how wrong was I.

After what happened with them I felt as if I was drowning, slowly being sucked in by all of it and I was going to suffocate, until Jax pulled me out of it and he helped me realize I had my dad, I had him, I had Becky, I had this brand new family, who was always going to be there for me, they would always be the one's to love and protect me, and that meant the world to me, it really did and the want for everything to disappear was slowly going away, I almost got away from it, I was almost free, until today, every word that Nash said to me, really hit home, even what he didn't say, he didn't have to I saw it all on his face, it was all my fault, everything that happened, the way he, my mom, my so called friends treated me was my fault and I deserved everything that was coming my way.

If I had just walked away from him the day he called me out in that park then none of this would have happened, maybe if I had ignored my feelings for him and just kept ignoring who I was inside then my life would still be perfect, it would all still be on the path I was meant to walk on, I would still have my family, my friends, I would still be the captain of the football team, I would still have the love and respect I had from everyone, I wouldn't be here living in Jax's house and pretending these people were my family, I would be in my own home, with my really family, I would still have the love of my mother and would still be able to sleep in my own bed and not be dependent on some stranger.   

This is all my fault, I don't even deserve what I have now, I don't deserve to be in this house and sleep in his bed, I don't deserve my friends, this 'family', I don't deserve Jax, I'm just a burden on them, I don't deserve his love, his time or his protection, everything that was taken from me, I should have never have gotten it back through these people, I should have drowned, I should have suffocated, he should have never took his time to save me, I simply don't deserve any of this, all I deserve is pain, because that is all I give everyone here.

I sighed and switched off the tap getting out the shower I grabbed a towel and dried myself from head to toe before I dropped the towel back on the rack and went out into the room going to the closet, I grabbed up some boxer's, sweats, a t shirt and my hoodie, I quickly got dressed and slipped on my black Nike's, I grabbed my suitcases from under the bed and started emptying all my clothes from the closet and draws into them, I was closing the zippers when I heard someone enter the room and looked up to see Jax, he was just standing there with his mouth open as he looked from me to my suitcases and then back to me, he slowly started walking forward "baby what are you doing?"

I stood up and chewed on my lip before looking him in his eyes "I'm leaving and going back to my apartment."

He stepped closer until he was just a breath away from me "why, what's going on?"

I lowered my gaze preferring to look at his boots than him "I shouldn't be here, so I need to go."

I felt him place his hands on my cheeks raising my head so I would look at him "why do you think you shouldn't be here, is it because of what happened with Nash?"

I bit my lip and stepped back moving out of his reach and shook my head as I looked at the floor "it has nothing to do with that, it just has to do with me, I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be with you, all I do is cause you trouble and that's the last thing I want to do, because you don't deserve it, so I'm leaving this house and I'm leaving you." I walked to my suitcases to pick them up but he grabbed me pulling me into his chest.

He hugged me tight resting his head on my shoulder as he pressed his lips to my neck "you don't have to leave me or this house, because I want you here, I want to be with you, you are worth all the trouble in the world, I will do anything to stay with you, just sit with me and tell me what's wrong instead of leaving, we can get through this together, I'll protect you and if you're leaving because you're afraid I would hurt you, I'm telling you now, that I wouldn't, I love you too much to ever do that to you, please stay?"

I shook my head and pulled out of his grasp, he looked at me with wide eyes and I looked away "no I can't because I'm not worth any of this, I'm not worth you risking your life and safety for me, I don't want you to get hurt protecting someone like me, and I know you would never hurt me, but I'm not leaving for my sake, I'm leaving for yours because, you deserve so much more, than I can give you, I can't be with you, I'm sorry." I quickly grabbed up my stuff and ran around him and out the door going down the stairs, I heard him call my name as I rush past everyone in the living room and went out the front door to my car, I was about to reach when someone grabbed my arm and I turned around to see Seth.

"What are you doing man, where are you going?" he asked with scrunched brows.

"I'm going back to my apartment, where I should have stayed in the first place, and please don't ask me why, I just need to go." he looked at me for a bit before releasing my arm and I moved to my car opening it and throwing my stuff inside.

"What's going through that head of your's Dustin, just tell me." I looked at him as he stared me down.

I shook my head and smiled at him "you wouldn't like it if I told you." his eyes widened before he stepped forward taking hold of my arm and giving it a squeeze.

"Try me?" I just gave him a side smile "Dustin, please don't be thinking of doing anything stupid and I know what's going through that head of your's, I was there the first time you got like this and we both know what almost happened, don't make me have to stop it again, that douche isn't worth any of your thoughts okay, put your mind on something else, anything else, okay?" he looked at me with his pleading eyes.

"I won't make you stop me again, because I'm not doing that ever again, I just need some time by myself, okay?" I looked from him to Jax who was standing with rest of them with tears in his eyes "it's your turn to look after him, just give me sometime, I'll be around."

"You better, or I'll be sure to knock some sense in that head of yours, cool?" I nodded.

"You got it." he patted me on my back and stepped away allowing me to get in my car and drive off, I smiled for a bit until I had turned the corner, I won't let Seth stop me again, because I wouldn't give him a reason to want to stop me.