Thinking Of Dreams, Crashing Into Nightmares

MUST READ!!!

Um........ I'm not sure if I will continue this story. I feel like I should sense its my first book I started writing on WattPad, but there is so much pain in writing this. This boy has destroyed what was left of my heart. He left me broken and alone. It's just hard to write about something so painful, Ya'know? I don't know it's hard to explain. To put it simple we dated for 2 years. Our relationship was going down hill towards the 2 year break. He had to move to a different state because his mom got a new job. They had to move to South Dekota. About a weak before he had to move we got into a giant fight that ended with me leaving with tears in my eyes. I told him to come find me when he is man enough to not use my past against me. He brought up something that happened to me that I couldn't control. He ended up moving without saying goodbye. I don't blame him though. I also said something that shouldn't have been said. About a month later I got a call from his younger sister Tammy, telling me that he..... had.........um........committed suicide. I was heart broken. I didn't know what to do. I blamed myself for that. That night after I was done on the phone I called my friend Ambria and told her that I needed to talk to her in person at school the next day. She questioned me because I was crying. I told her that I needed to tell her in person. Her response was, "Ok, but will you be alright?" I told her yes and hung up. Then I went up to the only other person besides my friends who knew about Cole. My aunt, Rikki. We went into a different room that had a lock on it and talked. I tried to tell her about what happened but I was shocked, scared, and was choking on my own sobs. I cried for about an hour before I told her what happened. And I remember a part of the conversation that I won't ever forget.

    "Rikki I don't know what to do. I mean I knew he was depressed and all, but still. I tried to help him but he just pushed me away. I didn't think that he would get pushed over the edge like that. And I feel like it's my fault! The last the that I said to him was just cruel. I probably pushed him over the edge! I couldn't help him because I was his problem!" I started hyperventilating. That turned into a panic attack. My aunt being a nurse was able to calm me down some. I was still crying. He was the only person who had made me emotional. I never really got attached to anyone until him. I still didn't know what to do though.

"What am I going to do?" I looked up at my aunt for an answer. "Honestly Destiny, there isn't really anything you can do. I know what it feels like to walk down that path. I used to be depressed. I know what it's like and I don't want you to go down that road to. Listen hun, people like that won't get help unless they want to be saved." My breath hitched in my throat. That means he didn't want to stay. Not for his mom, sister, or even his best buddies. "That means that he didn't even want to stay for me!" I got up and ran to the bathroom. I locked the door and went to the drawers. I lifted the cloth and pulled out a razor. I sat there with it pressed against my thigh debating wether or not I should go through with it this time. I shook my head and started crying again. I made him a promise to never do that again. I threw the blade in the trash and sat on the floor. I brought my knees up to my chest and started rocking back and forth. I did that until I calmed down some. I stood up walked to the sink and splashed water on my face. I did that until I looked like I hadn't cried. You wouldn't be able to tell besides the redness of them. I didn't want my mom or anybody besides the people I trust, to know about this and Cole in general. I walked outside to look for my aunt. I found her next to the cooler grabbing another drink. I asked her if she told my mother. She shook her head and told me she won't tell her until she thinks it time for her to know. I'm hoping she will forget this tomorrow. All the adults were drunk off their asses. I went back inside and grabbed my shoes. After putting them on I went to the tree line that was by the train tracks. I just walked up to the fastest tree I could find and punched it.

Over and over and over again.

I did that until I could no longer feel my right hand. I stared at it as it was bleeding. Most people might go and try to clean it but I didn't want to. I sat down in the grass against the tree trunk.

"I can go through this pain because he went through so much more. He killed himself because of me. My sprung wrist won't hurt me. Besides if anyone were to notice I'd blame it on my carple-tunnel." I looked over by the tracks and saw a toad or frog. It was to dark to see which one it was. "What do you think Mr. Frog? Isn't that fair." I stared at it and laughed. I'm talking to a frog! It probably doesn't want to hear about my shitty life anyway. Poor thing. I stood up and stuck my hand into my Jean pockets. It hurt but it's my own fault. I walk back inside and head strait to my room. I plug my headphones in and think about what happened today.

1. I had to babysit
2. My mom and dad invited their friends over for a BBQ
3. My parents got into another fight
4. My mom cried on my shoulder, drunk as hell, and told me she is sorry. She shouldn't talk about her broken marriage to her daughter
5. My boyfriend is dead.
Wow! I've had a wonderful day. I kept thinking about all of that over and over. Replaying it in my head. I wondered where in life did I go wrong. Then I remember I was born. That's when. I had lost track off time and before I knew it my alarm was going off. Meaning school. I got up got ready and put my brace on. I went to school the next day on auto pilot. I told my friends about what happened. They tried to help me and cheer me up. It worked but it didn't. They really didn't know how to comfort me. They tried and that alone made me feel a little better. I knew then that I had people who cared about me. My friend Ashley threatened to slap me if I blamed myself again. When it came to fifth period I forgot that I had a news article that I had to write. I had some spare time because I was one if the last ones to have to read mine. So I wrote the only thing I could think of.

                          Cole.

Well that's all I'm going to tell you for now. I might continue you this on my second account but I'm not sure yet. If I do want to continue this I'll make an update telling you my secondary account username.

Well thanks for reading! I hope I didn't make you sad or anything. I'm also sorry if this was triggering for any of you. Thank you all so much for reading this! Again I'm sorry I didn't write the whole thing out. Please don't hate me. Well so long! Bye-Bye!

                 Dezi