Those who have read 'My life as a trouble magnet' probably know this story but I feel that it is important to discuss this.
I believe in examples not advices.
If I am writing this book to advice you all, then I expect myself to advice on the basis of my own example.
Now, are you down and low on self-esteem right now because your work is not getting the attention and appreciation it truly deserves?
Then, you need a boost of motivation and I am going to share my own experience for the same.
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I thought of 'My life as a trouble magnet' when one of my friend was complaining about how her big brother troubles her all the time while I was looking at her incredulously because let's just admit, being the eldest of all your siblings, sucks big time. It was like 2 in the morning and all I could do was wonder how it will feel to have an adorable idiot protecting me from all the monsters.
So yeah, It was a bashful idea at 2 in the morning and I swear I gave up on it because I thought that cliche books rule Wattpad, who the hell will be patient enough to read my book.
It was pretty simple at first but the duration of time I spent doubting myself, helped me brush up and add a lot of twists to the simple plot. I am so glad that I wrote it. During the writing process, I got so attached to the characters because they took birth out of a simple craving and became the tranquilizer of the same. I carved each one of these babies to the best I could've. There are at least 30 draft chapters I deleted because they didn't do justice to my babies.
I swear I almost gave up on myself because as the book neared it's completion, I started becoming moody and snappy. Very snappy. If it wasn't for my amazing sister, I would've definitely given up because literally no one apart from her gives two fucks about my achievements in writing world.
I also want to tell you a little thing that I hope helps you or inspires you.
2 months ago, when I was all moody and snappy like stated above, I came across this book on wattpad (I won't name but I think you'll guess it) with like 100's of million views and millions of votes and comments. People were commenting that they are reading it for 4th time, 5th time etc. A day later, I found that the book is soon to be movie as it's rights are sold and the author is so so so famous. I clicked her instagram and there I saw a screenshot of her notifications. There was a number in k written above the notification sign and at that moment, all negative energy around me, invaded my soul.
I self doubted so bad. Like I have previously stated in my book, I am like Astrid (protagonist). I don't care about my looks (majorly) but I repeatedly question my abilities. I am horribly low on self esteem. I am very insecure about my talent and I fear judgment a lot. Even now, when I open a comment notification, I expect the worst form of hate (Thankfully, I am proved wrong every time).
Maybe this is because I never had people to cheer me up and make me believe in myself. All I had at that moment was my sister to snap on, my damn music (and JB documentaries).
Questions like- 'who will read this stupid plot? It's not even imaginable or a cliche.', 'will I always stay on the ground? will I ever be able to live my dreams?', 'will my notifications be filled with all the love and support too?'- were making me insane. I cried so much because of self doubts and insecurities. I swear, I was human version of zombie. I never thought that insecurities can hit a person so bad.
In those days, all I could think was that I don't have anything special. I won't make it far.
Until one day.
I was looking out of my apartment window at night. It's on 6th floor, yet If you look out at night, you'll feel like you're looking out of an apartment window at 20th floor in NYC- my dream city. At that moment, I craved the adrenaline rush of looking out of window of MY apartment in NYC while sipping on my coffee.
Then it hit me. My fear of taking the first step was putting everything I could be in future at stake. I remember how goose bumps graced my skin when I remembered the time when a 4th grader (me) made a small book of her own because she used to study in an underprivileged school that lacked classrooms, library was a faraway dream. At that age, with such poor education conditions, I wrote a book- more like a kid magazine but you get the drift.
I wrote my first book at age of 8 (I started school at age of 2. Don't ask.)
But why was I able to write?
Simple, I didn't know what insecurity meant. I didn't care about judgement. I wasn't scared.
8 year old me was braver than 17 year old me even when the previously stated book had horrible mistakes (I referred the main character as 'he' sometimes when it was a 'she' precisely.) I wasn't scared of mistakes at that age.
I realised how much I grew up between that achievement and this one. I am not perfect yet but I am getting better. I realised that I am not where I want myself but I am so much ahead of where I used to be.
I realised that I wasn't letting myself live my dream. Nobody but me was holding me back. I realised that I was so scared of getting out of my comfort zone that I was ready to sabotage my own dream.
And at that moment, I pressed publish for first chapter.
Now, the book is completed and I have no words to thank all my readers for bringing me out of my shell. I am better because of their support. I won't say that I am completely confident now, because I am not but I am getting there.
I read the comments on my book when I feel insecure.
Today, my book isn't becoming a movie, my notifications aren't exploding, the views and votes are not skyrocketing but at least I get comments like 'this should be a movie' or 'you should publish it', at least my notifications aren't empty, at least I am not unnoticed.
And honestly, I realised that this is what matters.
So, let's cut the rant short. Moral of the story is, if you're thinking of doing something but you fear the results, then please don't. Don't be scared. Take the jump. If you don't end up where you wish to be, you'll end up with wisdom to lead you there.
Believe in yourself. I am still trying to and honestly, I have realised that self confidence is a bliss.
Don't self pity. Don't reduce your worth in your eyes. Because, you're worth everything if you work hard enough.
Changes occur slowly. I unpublished my first book because it was unnoticed and I pretty much gave up on my dreams but somehow, I gathered myself and wrote another book. It was unnoticed too and instead of giving up this time, I tried harder.
Even 'My life as a trouble magnet' stayed unnoticed for a while and I had to constantly remind myself that I will make it one day. That day came and here I am today.
So, don't be disheartened if you're going through something same, you never know what is ahead and changes happen when you least expect them.
That's all wisdom I have for you people.
Keep believing in yourself. You were born to be somebody.
I am Soumya Agrawal. Thank you for believing in me because I believe in you.
~Soumya.
