From the Heart

From the Heart 11

Yeah. I'm aware that my belly fat slightly, slightly, spills over the waist of my pants. No need to look at me like I've seriously just spat in your food. Right. In. Front. Of. You.

Cause that's what it felt like to make those snide remarks, you passive aggressive fucking chink.*

"What spurred this on," you ask? Oh, I don't know, just someone who's ignorant to accepting a heavier set Chinese American young adult who happens to have a mild addiction to food and is trying to overcome the disease that is addiction.

The church that I attend is majority Chinese. 70% of them are Chinese immigrants, 25% of them are Chinese American (75% of those Chinese's Americans are spawn of those immigrants - me included), and 5% white (usually spouses of Chinese American/immigrants). There are two services that segregate the mainly Chinese speakers and the mainly English speakers; a Chinese service and an English service. Usually after the English service there is lunch served - by grace of the many take out restaurant owners that attend the church. Adult bible study groups rotate on serving staff and this past week my worst enemy was part of the serving crew.

This man (who will remain unamed) attends the Chinese service and has fairly conservative and stereotypical Chinese ways (wants everything to do with medicine or engineering, hates the fat, and always, always, asks about some sort of academics related to medicine), and every time he notices me in a scenario where there's food his face is like... So disgusted by the fact that I eat. He sometimes will just ask, "you're eating again?" Like I've just went for my 10th helping of food. No you dumb bitch, I'm just storing food in my mouth so I can go and bury it in the ground for when winter comes.

He's in charge of dishing out the leafy dish of the week, which is just after the rice station. I'm in line towards the end and when I get my plate with rice on it and arrive in front of the man (who eternally hates me -probably not, but I whatever) I ask if I could get more greens cause I was gonna ask for less meat. The man does so, but that look on his face washed over him. That same look that said, "you fat bitch, don't you know you should stop eating?!"

The person (a church uncle whom I've known since I was practically born) next to my mortal enemy started to talk to me about getting more green and then asking if I was getting more meet too, and then my enemy says while subtlety shaking his head in a disappointed fashion, "oh she doesn't need that much, you don't need to -yeah that's a good amount," as that church uncle is scooping up a decent amount of chicken.

Mind you I skipped my fucking breakfast to make it to church on time (9:30am), by 12:30 I was ready to eat everything there.  But I had restraint and was gonna eat the least amount possible without feeling the hunger pains.

Thanks, mortal enemy, for your concern of my physical appearance, but please focus your time on teaching your daughter on not sticking everything in her mouth at the gross age of FIVE. Like bitch, she's not a fucking toddler who is still developing basic cognitive functions. Your daughter should be learned on basic social and moral values by now, and also that holding in bodily functions is ultimately detrimental to their play time in the long run.

Sometimes I hate, hate, hate, my church and it's views as a collective congregation. It ultimately turns me away from wanting to being a Christian. How devastating I'd that?

*I, myself am a chink, therefore I feel like I'm able to use that word like how black people are able to use the n-word.*