About Me

Let's Talk: Suicide

|WARNING: The following content concerns suicide and sensitive topics. If you're looking for laughs, go to my other stuff.|

Hey.

I know I don't have the biggest audience. And I know y'all don't know much about me. But I feel like I need to say something.

Today, I received the news that an old classmate of mine from elementary committed suicide last night. Honestly, I'm not close with anyone from elementary anymore. In my mind, it was such a long time ago. After all, I'm a high school graduate now. So, to hear horrible news about elementary is kinda terrifying.

I'm sitting here and I'm shocked. I'm trying to find the right words to describe how everything feels. And I can't.

We weren't especially close. For the sake of story, his name was Noah. Thinking back on it, I could easily say we were elementary rivals. Because for some amusing reason, everything matters in elementary. We were both drummers, spelling bee champs, class know it alls, teachers' pets. And everything was a competition. From first grade up to fourth grade, we tried to beat each other at everything. Eventually, I moved to a different school after fourth grade ended.

Never thought much about him after, and I can assume it was the same for him about me.

I get this news around 5 tonight from someone I once called my best friend. And it affects me more than it probably should.

I'm not completely sure where I want to start. But if you've read 'Fear of Living', you know the story is about suicide. Or at least the idea behind it. Very short, but very heavy. I know there are millions of people on WattPad who suffer from depression and anxiety and they're equally writers and readers. I myself have dealt with the weight of depression and the desperate want to just call it quits. I've loved people with the same mentalities and have been through the worst conversations, trying to talk people out of it or give them more to go off of. I've been the person being the extra push or small seed of hope.
Here's what I have to say to the people who feel like it's not worth it and want to commit suicide:

Fuck. You.
Surprised? You should be. Fuck you for thinking that life is easily escaped through suicide. Fuck you for being selfish and inconsiderate. Fuck you for thinking that you are entitled to take away your own very extraordinary and precious life.

There are people that love you. People that you love. If you kill yourself, you kill a part of them. You create a permanent absence in their lives. A void that will never be filled again. That is selfish. That is arrogant. That is plain stupid. Your mother, your father, your sister, brother, best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, rival, arch nemesis, teacher, principal, bus driver, classmate, schoolmate, dog, cat, acquaintances, online buddy, everyone who you knew will be affected.  Do you really intend on hurting them?

If you yourself are hurting, you already have a great and strong heart. There are people who cannot even feel anymore. We need your heart here in this cruel, insufferable world. Take as long as you need, but please do not eliminate the chance to recover. Help the good outnumber the bad. Outweigh all the damage that is being caused, not just to you, but to others. People die every day from disease and homicide and accidents. Never let your death be purposed. You have a functioning mind and heart and if you kill yourself, all potential, all ambition, all the talent and goodness and love...goes to waste.

I barely knew Noah. I don't even know how to label myself here in this grieving mess and I don't know how to insert myself as one of his friends because I honestly wasn't. Not really. But I know that I am sad and angry and I miss him and I cared about him, even if I was a tiny 9 year old at the time.

I know how it feels. It's dark and deep and lonely and you always come out of the bedroom thinking the day's going to suck and sometimes the day is noted as successful if you didn't cry or scream or yell at anyone because no one understands even when they do. Because in this moment, in this illness, it isn't about who can relate or who cares. Really, it's just about wondering if you'll ever be okay and if this feeling really is normal.

Here's a fact that I want to share:

This is the post note after YouTuber Anna Akana's video discussing suicide. If you watch her, you know that her sister committed suicide in 2007. And you know that she still hasn't fully recovered from her loss. Not many people who have experienced a loss like that ever do recover. 

I don't know what kind of person Noah was in the end. I don't know what demons he was facing, what thoughts he had, or what was eating at his brain. And I don't know you. I don't know these things about you. But if you are in pain and you are a decent human being who possesses the ability to love and the ability to strive, please love yourself and strive to save others by saving yourself. What benefit is there to going away and never coming back? I don't know what happens to the person that takes away their life. Their body probably rots in a grave for eternity and they don't ever have to feel anything ever again. That's not a benefit. That's an end result. It's empty and useless.
Please. Please be good to yourself. Love yourself and if you don't know how to, find a professional that can teach you how to do that. Therapy does work. Trust me.

If you or someone you know suffer from suicidal ideation, seek help with National Suicide Prevention by going to their website to chat online with a trained professional or call 18002738255.

Please share this. Or at least copy this and paraphrase your own serious talk about it. Don't allow anyone else to choose death.