Doors are for people with no imagination...and so are computers

WANTED. Rare Collectable

To: blackassin@gmail.com

From: skulman@yahoo.com

Subject: WANTED. Rare collectable.

Dear China,

Gmail? How lovely. It really suites you.  Whenever you treacherous image makes an appearance in my head I think; ‘China Sorrows. Yep definitely a Gmail person.’

Believe it or not, this email has a purpose. How exciting. I am invigorated with a new resolve to organise my life. No, actually. Not really. I think I prefer spontainiality.

Ah, yes the purpose. You know that thing I gave you, two years ago. THE SCEPTER. I need it back. Actually, I need a new black crystal as well but I doubt you have one of them. 

I would forever in your gratitude. Not really, but you get what I mean.  And, besides, you can’t even USE it. Not unless it has a bloody black crystal in it. Speaking of which, me and my trusty, but a little bit thick, side kick are going in search for them. I hope we don’t die. That wouldn’t be very fun.

GIVE ME THE SCEPTER.

Skulduggery Pleasant

Skeleton Detective

Re: WANTED: Rare collectable.

To my dearest friend Mr Pleasant,

I know. The credibility of my chosen email address is certainly questionable. In fact the word better suited for the situation is ‘Pathetic’ or even ‘Ridiculous’. However ‘yahoo’ doesn’t exactly cause your enemy’s to quiver in their poorly made cowboy boots. Skulduggery, I am deeply disappointed in your casual gramma and disgustingly obvious spelling errors. Tell me what is wrong with this sentence:

‘Whenever you treacherous image makes an appearance in my head I think.’

You are missing a ‘re’ you grammatically bankrupt beast of a man! How dare you send me an email that is riddled with spelling mistakes! I am insulted!

Me giving you the sceptre doesn’t have anything to do with the faceless ones, does it? If you manage to get a black crystal, by all means take it. It is no use to me.

No, Skulduggery, I do not know what you mean. ‘I would forever in your gratitude’ is not a proper sentence! For goodness sake, Skulduggery, what has happened to you?

Yours sincerely,

China Sorrows

Re: Re: WANTED: Rare collectable.

Grammar Nazi,

Yahoo. A fantastic email address. It’s like when you’re ecstatically happy and you just want to shout; ‘yahoo!’ to the world. It’s not meant to make my enemy’s quiver. I don’t give them my email address, but if you really wanted me to change my email I could always use Hotmail.

China Sorrows. The world has moved on. Grammar and Punctuation are a thing of the past. What with spell check and all. Fletcher is a prime example. Poor boy, can’t even spell his own name.

Are you stupid? Has someone hit you on the head with a heavy object? You are the sceptres owner. We can’t use it. Not even if we give it the bloody black crystals. And you better use it. As much as I hate to say it; we need you. I really hate how desperate I’m becoming. Did you know I have to ask Solomon Wreath for help? Solomon Wreath! It’s bloody torture. Bring on Serpine’s red hand, as long as I don’t have email Wreath. He just insults me all the bloody time. If I wasn’t so arrogant I would have very low self-confidence, like Ghastly.

Skulduggery Pleasant

Skeleton Detective

Re: Re: Re: WANTED: Rare collectable.

To the grammatically bankrupt Skulduggery Pleasant,

‘Yahoo’ is not a certified English word. It is a sound made when ecstatically happy or sarcastically upset. It is not the proper name for an email address; it is not the proper name for anything. That is a somewhat comforting thought. The only people it will make quiver are people like me who still take pride in their English and gramma and even though it will be barley controlled quivers of rage. Hotmail? I think Mr Dusk uses Hotmail.

Although the world has moved on Skulduggery, traditionalists do still exist and it is with horrified eyes that I watch the world melt into a gooey mess of improper sentences and wrongly punctuated words. Spell check is not always correct, my dear friend, as it does not properly consider the context as do I. It is a bad habit to rely on technology to be your dictionary and editor. I agree, the enormity and beauty of the English language is not a concept known to the poor boy. Must I say that, whilst I attract and interest people, Mr Renn seems to repel others not of his age.

Both questions are null and void, Skulduggery as you and I both know that I lack no intelligence and no one will be throwing heavy objects at me any time presently. But Skulduggery, I have no desire to save the world, that is your job is it not? My job is to be the patron of books and knowledge. You can do the punching and I will do the reading. You do seem rather… frantic. Wreath? Solomon Wreath? The Necromancer? Why must you associate with him? He is an unpleasant mix of necromancer and normal human being and, oh how he bothers me so. Serpine is dead, as you very well know, and I hope that you do not wish to see his return in order for you to prove and already pointless and tiresome point.

I thought Mr Bespoke was you best friend.

Yours sincerely,

China Sorrows

Re: Re: Re: Re:  WANTED: Rare collectable.

The patron of books and knowledge not arrogant at all,

Does yahoo need to be certified to be an expression? I should think not, only to uptight people such as the patron of books etc., and the patron of snobs, that would be you as well. Yahoo is also something you yell when come across some information that has been hiding from your eager and longing gaze. For example, Remus Crux has never had cause to utter that word.  If you quiver at the word ‘yahoo’, which is the name for a whole company, then why did you spell ‘grammar’ wrong? Gramma has an r on the end, dear China. Now imagine how the r feels now, all lost and forgotten. Dusk probably does use Hotmail, to get to all the teenager that use it.

Traditionalists? I usually call them sadists who have nothing else to do with their pathetic life so they yell at people who are, really, just being practical. It’s a good thing Spell Check is not the most accurate of methods, otherwise, Ghastly’s excuse for spelling Tanith’s name wrong would have jumped out the window in embarrassment. I do not rely on spell check. I have read the many emails that hold the painful ‘corrections’ spell check has inflicted on the lazy. That is not the only concept Fletcher is in the dark about. I believe he doesn’t know what ‘grooming’ consists of. Attract? Maybe. Interest? Hardly people only listen to your tedious and somewhat annoying chatter is because they like the outside shell.

It was rhetorical. It was merely to suggest that you had forgotten something important and just skimmed over the fact that YOU WERE WRONG. I’ll throw my GUN at YOUR HEAD. And I hope you get concussion. I do enjoy seeing the human race continue to thrive. You probably like seeing them fail. I need your help. I cannot wield the all mighty sceptre. I am not its owner. YOU ARE. I gave it to you. It is yours. As much as I like a good punch, I do read as well. I am a man of many talents. You will also have to do all the killing of God’s.

Frantic? I am as calm as ever. Wreath does not riffle me. His bloody cane does. It’s an old man cane and he carries it around like a weapon. It is most frustrating. He’s an unpleasant mix alright. I agree with you there. But I have to. He could come in handy. I am recruiting. I’ve even got in touch with ol’ Shudder again. Of course Serpine is dead. I killed him. I was just using him as an example. Jeez, China, don’t be so literal.

Ghastly is. What’s your point?

SP