More Than Friends, Brothers [Phancest]

5 years before. 

I had the music on loud in my earphones, the room was dark and there was a storm going on outside. I was curled up in a ball under the duvet, feeling the sweet scent of the recently washed bed sheets. The reason why I couldn’t sleep wasn’t the storm, nor the fact that it was too dark and my parents weren’t home. I couldn’t sleep because for the last few days, there was only one thing I could think about: boys. For the first 12 years of my life, I believed I was just a normal straight boy – maybe because of my obvious innocence, or because society made me believe that a boy liking a boy was unacceptable. What I knew was that I had never thought I could like another boy, but then at the age of 12 things started to change. We learned things we didn’t know about, such as kissing, relationships, and of course, sex. My friends began liking girls and wanting to do things with them whilst I felt no attraction towards any girls at all. I could tell when a girl was pretty, but I never fancied one. I wondered if something was wrong with me. I wondered if I was ‘late’, and these feelings would come in the future. I could easily pretend I liked a girl and say things I didn’t really mean when talking to my friends – however when it was 1am and I was alone in my room with no one to talk to, things weren’t so easy for me to deal with.

The song changed and I turned it up, trying to make it louder than my thoughts. Earlier that day, I was at my friend Tom’s house, and I couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened.

“Trisha told me that Lisa likes you, Phil” Tom smirked.

“Uh, really?” I asked confused. She wasn’t the first girl who ‘liked’ me, but then again, we were only 12 years old.

“Yeah, you’re lucky, she’s hot” he said, shoving Doritos down his throat. Of course we were just kids, but we liked to pretend we knew shit about women.

“Next week at Joey’s birthday party, we’ll play truth or dare-“

“And you’re going to kiss her” Alex completed.

“Oh no guys, please don’t do this” I cringed.

“Why not? She likes you, she’s pretty, it’s your chance of getting a kiss”

“I don’t like her though. She’s nice but I don’t want to kiss her”

“Are you gay or something?” both of my friends giggled.

My eyes were closed but I noticed when a crack of the door opening brought a line of light into the room. A second later, a scared face was tucked inside my room and I unplugged my earphones as I saw my little brother looking at me.

“Dan?” I whispered as my eyes fought the light, although it wasn’t enough to see the whole room.

“Phil? Are you awake?” His sweet 11 year old voice asked.

“Yeah, what is it? Are you okay?”

“I had a nightmare and I can’t sleep again. Can I stay here with you?”

“Of course, come here” He entered the room and closed the door behind him, making the place completely dark again.

I heard the sound of his little feet as he walked and then felt his little hands searching for the bed sheets.  “I’m here” I grabbed his hand and guided him towards me. He lied down next to me and, as it was a single bed, the closeness was inevitable. This wasn’t the first time Dan had asked to sleep in my bed (although it didn’t happen very often) – our parents used to say he had to fight his fears or he’d never grow up, therefore instead of going to their room, he came into mine. He cuddled into me and I hugged him from behind. Dan was just 1 year younger, but I normally felt like this age difference was much bigger – like I had to protect him because he was my little brother, enem though I wasn’t so old myself.

“Sorry for waking you up” he said quietly.

“You didn’t”

“Why weren’t you sleeping?”

“I was listening to music. Do you wanna tell me about your nightmare?”

“I was in the woods, running. Some monster was trying to catch me. It said it would eat my soul because I’m not allowed to live anymore.”

“You know, once you tell someone your nightmare, it doesn’t happen.” I plugged one of my earphones in his ear and the other in my own. I played one of his favourite songs by My Chemical Romance and squeezed his hip. “The music is louder than your thoughts. Don’t think about monsters, just sleep”

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