Loving Olivia

Chapter 20 - On the Bench

Nico

One of the worst feelings in the world is seeing someone you care about hurting and not being able to do a damn thing about it. It happened to me with Adrian when his parents died, and it's happening now with Olivia. You would think that I would at least have some experience with this because I already went through it with Adrian, but this time it feels even worse. I don't know why, but it does.

It's just so damn hard when you see the person you love crumble right in front of you. When you no longer see the light in her eyes or her interest in the world. When she becomes devoid of feeling and stops caring about anything. When you watch her fade away.

It's Friday and it's supposed to be our day. But Olivia is too numb to notice. I don't fault her for it. I can't even fathom what she's going through or how it would feel. I just thought that maybe since it was Friday, I would be able to make her feel better. But I can't.

I ask her what she wants to do and she shrugs. She doesn't care. I ask her if she wants to cook something together for dinner thinking she might enjoy it, but she frowns and says she doesn't feel like it. I hate it because two weeks ago she would've smiled at me and happily cooked something amazing I've never even heard of. I hate it because I don't know how to get her back to that. I hate it because I don't know what to do.

I end up ordering food from a restaurant I know she likes. It's only been two weeks, but I can already tell she's lost a lot of weight and she needs to eat more. I don't like nagging her about it, but it is one of my top concerns and if nothing else, I have to make sure she stays healthy.

We watch a movie in bed afterwards, but I don't think either of us actually watches it. Her because I know she's thinking about her dad, and me because I'm thinking about her. Halfway into the movie she turns around to my chest, resting her hand against it. If there's one thing I'm grateful for that hasn't changed, it's this. She's still affectionate with me. I was so worried she wouldn't want me coming near her, but thankfully it hasn't been the case.

I brush my fingers through her hair and down her back as I hold her in my arms. Within minutes her breathing evens out and she falls asleep. It blows my mind every time. I guess that part hasn't changed either.

I turn off the movie and join her. Sleep doesn't come as easy for me, but I eventually succumb to it.

I wake up with a start, and the first thing I notice is that Olivia isn't in bed with me. I hear the toilet flush, and turn around to find the door to the bathroom is wide open.

I don't mind, but I find it odd. She's never left the door open before, and I didn't think we were there yet. But then I hear another sound, and I shoot out of bed and straight into the bathroom.

I find her kneeled down in front of the toilet looking every inch of miserable. One of her hands is holding back her hair, while the other is propping her head up with her elbow against the seat.

I kneel down beside her and hold back her hair. I immediately notice she didn't exactly make it in time to the toilet, and it's not a pretty sight. But I don't even have time to think about it because she starts crying.

It's not the stray tears kind I've been wiping from her cheeks these past two weeks, but the real kind. The kind she should be crying.

I bring her towards me and at first she resists. I know she's thinking about the vomit in her hair, but I couldn't care less about it. But as soon as I wrap my arms around her she lets go and sobs into my chest.

I can't explain what seeing her cry does to me, except that it feels like someone is hammering down each one of my fingers and breaking all the bones in them.