Kill Me, I'm In Love

Chapter 2: Kiss My Lips But Dear God Don't Say It Out Loud

I've always been madly, deeply, painfully in love with Cameron.
And loving him is the easiest thing I've ever done. But it's also one of the hardest.
It hurts every time he gets drunk. It hurts every time my hand brushes the scar am his arm because it just reminds me of the time I almost lost the love of my life and all I did was get drunk.
I can't stop myself from loving Cameron anymore. I tried. And god damn I'm still trying. Because I'm afraid it'll get to the point where he kisses me and I'll spend every night trying to wash his taste out of my mouth and wipe the feeling of his lips off of mine. And I'll have to scrub my skin until I bleed so I don't remember how it felt when his entire hand fit around my entire waist. And I would spend every day avoiding his voice. And I would spend every second desperately looking for someone to flirt with so I could forget him. I would spend all my time trying to forget how it felt when he rested his hands on my hips and slow danced with me while singing Bob Marley. And I would spend every waking moment trying to forget what it felt like with his head in my lap and my hand in his hair while he talked about another girl. I would spend every minute trying to forget how he always got more honest about how he felt when he was drunk, and I would try to forget how he would tell me he loved me the most when he was drunk. I would spend every second try to make myself believe that he didn't love me because if he did love me, it hurt worse.
And do you know why I would spend so much time trying to forget?
Because I'm so fucking afraid that he'll leave me again so I'll push him away and I'll never let his lips touch my skin again. And I'll never let him sing to me or dance with me. Because I can't love him without getting hurt.
So I'll push him away until he never comes back and I'll spend every second of my time trying to remember the day when he pushed me up against a car and I thought he was going to kiss me but he actually just whispered a joke in my ear.
He is so hard to forget and I know I'll spend so much time trying to forget him, that by the time he leaves again it will all wash over me and I'll be drowning in his eyes and choking on his smile. And I'll never not remember what it felt like when I said "I love you" to him for the first time in 4 months. And god damn I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I'm fucking terrified.
This is the scariest thing and the hardest decision I've ever had to make because I need to stop being scared. I know this will most likely end in bloody thighs and bruised knuckles but I'm so tired of being afraid. I need to take this chance. I have to.