I remember that day so clearly. it felt like my heart was going to explode into million pieces. Those words. It felt like someone has ripped my heart out. My eyes started to sting. Tears were pouring like rain. My body went numb.
The ride home was silent. So many questions were in my head. I am going die? Will people treat me differently? I'm I going to fit in college? I felt different from everyone. It was like there a huge sign on top of my head saying "abnormal". I acted like everything was fine, but the truth is inside I was broken, lost and puzzled. I did not know what to do. I wanted to scream, but I could not since it felt like my voice was on mute. It felt my life was over, time has stopped. All I could hear my heavy breathing and my heart beating really fast.
My life has not always been easy as a child. It has nearly been a year since I found out. It's been nearly a year since I started this personal adventure. You see I have a breaking point and when I reach my breaking point I'm going to break. You may see me as a confident, bubbly and a happy person. But reality is inside I'm broken and fragile. You know what they say that everything is not what it seems. The happy, bubbly and confident person just a cover up. It's a mask I wear everywhere I go. There are only a few people I trust. Let's just be honest here and say I have trust issues. I hide my problems behind my smile. Behind my smile is a world of pain. You think you know me, but you have no idea. Behind my smile is a hurting heart, Behind my laugh I'm falling apart, look closely at me and you'll see, the girl I am...isn't me. Well it's not definitely easy for me because I've had an eating disorder all my life without me knowing.
I'm slowly crumbly. My life and my disorder are crumbly. I'm slowly fading away and becoming invisible and soon I'll been forgotten. Every time when I talk about my life or my disorder it feels like my scars get reopened. Time is running out. Sometimes I feel broken but I won't admit. I'm broken, I'm fragile, I'm hurt, and I'm lost but I'm trying to be strong but I'm failing everytime I try. I can't cope anymore with my eating disorder. It's taking over my life. I get nightmares about my death.
I really hope that I die because the world would be a better place without me. There will be no pain. Sometimes I wish that I could just runaway from everything. I feel helpless sometimes because I can't control my disorder.
I feel so insecure about myself and about my body. I don't like looking in mirrors because if I look in them I feel like that my ugliness is going to break the mirror. I hate my reflection. I'm not even that pretty. I'm ugly. I cry everytime I look at myself in the mirror.
Music has always played a huge part in my life. Music makes me forget all about my worries and problems; it takes me into another world. I don't know what I would without music. Music lets me express my feelings and it is my oxygen. Music keeps me alive and makes me stronger. Music makes me happy. Music is my drug and my addition. Music gives me freedom. Music is my life, the lyrics are my story. As you can tell I'm a huge music lover.
Sometimes I say things that I don't even mean. I find it hard to express and control my emotions. I keep my emotions bottled up inside. People think I'm attention seeking because now I have an eating disorder and now they think it's my excuse it's not an excuse or attention seeking it's my cry for help. But you don't what it feels like until you go through it yourself not that I wish that upon you. Nobody should go through an eating disorder.
So lately I've been wondering who will take be there to take my place when I'm gone. Sometimes I really wonder what life is gonna be like for my loved ones when I'm gone. Inside I'm dead and gone but on the outside there is just a body you see.
Sometimes I really wonder what if my parents didn't split up? What if I didn't have an eating disorder? What if my older brother didn't die? What if my mum wasn't ill? Would my life be the same or different? If my life was different what would my personality be like? These are the questions that really wonder sometimes.
I can't control the pain. I live in a world of pain. Welcome to my silly life. I feel like everyday I'm slowly dying. I don't even wanna try anymore. I wanna be up there closer to my granddad. I can live in peace and happiness because there will be no more suffering and no more pain and I'll be close to my granddad and I'll be happy up there.
My eating disorder is like an addiction that I have. I can't stop. I'm so use to starving myself it's become normal and comfortable for me. When I have eaten I feel so uncomfortable and not normal also not myself. I have this urge to vomit the food I have eaten but I don't vomit. I have this 'voice' in my head that talks to me. It tells me what to do it tells me I am fat and worthless and that I'm not allowed to eat because I don't deserve food. I thought I'm in control of my eating but it gets harder and harder to ignore the voice. I believe that I have always had issues with food and my weight, and so I find it hard to define when it started for me.
The eating disorder has become my world and I really don't care about anything else.The dark days are the worst, the days when you don't want to face people, to live the life you have when everything, every second of every day revolves around food and calories, ignoring the hunger, the dizziness and the heart beat that quickens to a scary rate. Where even just sitting down becomes painful. It's tough and it's a long road and there are tears and fear and moments where you just want everything to go away. I can't change even if I tired and even if I wanted to.
I'm beginning to believe that it would never be possible for me to be well again. I feel embarrassed because I have to go in the children's section to get clothes that fit me. It's really hard to find clothes that fit me and I have to look for a specific size. I try on clothes and I look awful in them. I wear baggy clothes to hide my fatness. I'm not actually comfortable about my body. I wear clothes that completely cover me up. I don't like showing any flesh. I don't like wearing dresses, skirts or anything that shows my skin.
I don't like going out. I don't go out with my friends because my fear of eating stops me. I make some excuses to avoid going out with my friends. I have become anti social. I'm also extremely self conscious. I know it is a big part of me, I think I cannot live without it, get rid of the feelings, I will always have it. Its part of me now and it's my identity.
