The Cat in the Hatbox

Chapter 1

Ed Lazenby lifted his fork. There was a sound like cardboard ripping. He stopped; his fork loaded with baked beans halfway to his mouth, and made a face.

"Jesus Christ, Ernie," he said. "If beans affect you that way, you should stop eating them, or bring Beano™ to every meal."

Ernesto Cardoza's face turned as red as a newly painted fire engine. He put the fork of beans he was about to shove into his mouth back down on the plate next to his hash brown potatoes.

"I forgot it this morning."

"Well, you shouldn't eat beans when you forget it," Ed said. He sniffed gingerly.

"Hey, there's nothing to worry about," Ernie said, frowning. "It wasn't the silent and deadly type."

Ed winced and looked around the room to see if any of the other diners had noticed his friend's loud explosion of gas. Fortunately, the table they occupied, not their usual one in the corner near the big window, but one near the entrance to the large dining room, wasn't near any occupied tables. Most of the elderly diners preferred tables near the large counter upon which the buffet meal was displayed, except for a couple of gentlemen that Ed recognized as the Ahearn twins, who had gotten there first and taken his preferred table. He looked across the table and grimaced.

"It's still not polite, you know."

"I can't help it. I tried holding it in, but you know how it is. It's gotta come out in one direction or the other, and I had a mouthful of food, so belching was out of the question."

"That, while not as smelly, would have been just as bad," Ed said firmly. "I swear, Ernie, I can't take you anywhere without you doing something outrageous."

While putting his fork down, Ernesto cocked his head to the side and grinned at Ed.

"Aw, come on, amigo, you know you like my company," he said. "If I didn't hang around with you, you'd have to put up with Vi and Rose, and you know how they can be."

Ed knew all right. Vi and Rose, Violet and Rose Wertheim, were sisters who lived in a small, two-bedroom cottage at the southern end of of Wisteria Street, in the opposite direction from where Ed and Ernie's houses, similar two-bedroom cottages, sat across the street from each other. Violet, the eldest of the two, was domineering and opinionated, and never met anyone she couldn't find fault with, while Rose was shy and walked constantly in her sister's shadow, but the two of them were Ed and Ernie's best friends. Actually, Ed thought, they were about their only friends. The other residents of Potomac Valley Community, commonly called PVC in honor of the material from which sewer pipes are made, were well south of 65, and given to sitting around in the evenings playing cribbage or talking about their grandchildren, while Violet and Rose, like Ed and Ernie, preferred a good game of five-card draw and a bottle of vodka. So, naturally, the four of them, when they felt like socializing, only had each other.

"I know Violet can be a bit trying," Ed said. "But, at least she doesn't stink up the room like you do."

"It's only when I eat beans or other high fiber food."

Ed made a growling sound deep in his throat and shoved the food he'd been holding into his mouth.

"Hey," Ernie said. "My reaction to beans is not what's bothering you."

Ed glared across the table. "Oh, what is it then?"

Ernie looked toward the corner table.