Suicide

The begining.

I was only so young I don't remember how old I was but I remember the night when my life just turned to hell. I always slept in the lounge room of my old house, I was just a little girl scared to sleep in a small dark room. I didn't like rooms.

I have these constant nightmares but maybe once in a while I'll have a different dream, might be a happy one or might be just another nightmare. The constant nightmares are really hard to describe. That's when everything started to get to me. The nightmares would start to get voices in them, then they'd be there without the dreams. Just constantly there. One day it got really bad and I just thought maybe if I just distracted myself with pain or something the voices would go away so I cut.... They went away for a little while so I just kept doing it, soon it just became a habit.

Present day:

Today I've stopped cutting but that doesn't mean I've stopped harming myself. I've tried believe me I have, but those voices will never go away. I go to school I hear the voices makes me feel like I'm going insane. Just sitting in class shaking my head trying not to tell them to shut up so I don't look crazy. I need help I know I do but I just don't want to make myself look insane. I hear voices everywhere I go. But it's been worse since my nana past away. I cried for days.

I wear long pants everyday with a jumper everyday to school or anywhere I go really because of my scares. I'm ashamed of them. They are ugly and disgusting, well that's what everyone tells me. So many people point them out but no one seems to want to help. No one really cares.

I walk over a bridge every day on the way to and from school. I walk really slow over it just thinking maybe I should. But then I just can't. I hate how I'm stuck between two things. I just want to be able to do it and not hesitate. Hesitation is the worst thing when you want to do something.

I just honestly want to just die...

I've tried many ways to kill myself, I've tried over dosing, tried to hang myself, tried to cut deep enough (clearly wasn't deep enough).

Many years I've tried different things. But the most messed up thing I started trying when I was 8 years old, 8 years old! I knew I was sad even before I was 8 I just didn't know what to do about it, it wasn't the correct way to go about it, I know that now but I just can't stop it. I've been depressed for nearly my whole damn life. It sucks it really does suck.

Everyday day is just full of different things but surprisingly the same things. It's strange.

I know what the consequences are if I do take my life. But I don't want to feel the way I do every single damn day. I've tried many things to stop feeling the way I do. I mean I'm 17 years old and been wasted so I couldn't stay conscious for more than 30 seconds. I've laid in my own vomit. All just to get things off my mind. Drinking just takes everything away just like hurting myself. I haven't drank in so long now, I don't plan on drinking again either.

I do hate my life, I'm not smart, I'm not really anything. I'm not popular, I'm not pretty, I don't fit in, I don't follow trends, I don't act like someone I'm not. But no one seems to like who I really am and if no one likes who I am, should I like who I am?

I've been trying to accept what everyone thinks and accept who I am. I've been trying to become a better person. I have been trying that's all I can say. If I didn't try I wouldn't be here.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not controlling myself like something or someone has control over me. I just want to be myself I don't want something or someone else controlling me. I don't want to feel like someone's puppet. I just want to be me. But at the same time I don't want to be me. I want to be pretty. I just mostly want to be happy.....

It's like I have these mood swings without meaning to. Different moods make me feel like I'm not me. It sounds normal but I just wish I didn't have mood swings like the way I do. They hurt people, I just sit here asking myself why I'm being like that towards them but I can't seem to stop. I don't want to hurt anyone. Maybe it's just be better if I was gone.....