Nova

What Are Dreams

The fluid gallop of the horse underneath me is beyond words as my brave steed charges into war. His black mane edged with white flies out behind him like a war banner. His hoofs create earthquakes as they beat the earth like a drum, his long slender legs reach out wanting no needing to cover my ground. For the first time in a long time I'm no longer conflicted and with the wind in my face I know this is were I belong. I don't belong on the ground or in a city I belong on a horse and on the ranch. I was born in the wrong body for I have the heart and soul of a wild horse that cannot be tamed. Suddenly the horse beneath me falls to the ground with a strangled cry of pain accompanied by a snapping sound. Struggling the horse repeatedly tries to get to his feet but he can't support himself on three legs and time and time again the horse falls to the ground. It takes me a of couple minutes to get myself together as I walk over to the injured horse and kneel down near its head. I know for a fact that a broken leg is most often fatel for a horse but I must remain calm. The horse becomes the black gelding that taught me how to ride, the grullo mustang mare I once had, to my buckskin gelding,  to the dappled grey gelding Fergus, had, my mother's blue roan pinto mare, my father's palomino gelding, Casimir's, firey chestnut mare, Hope's, little bay pony, Enheduanna, and finally the brindle from earlier. I stroke his neck as I whisper promises into the colt's ear. I steal a quick glance at the injured leg and I know that this horse is a goner. I've seen a couple horses over the years break a leg but none were this gruesome. With a good vet and the right equipment he might have a chance but it'd be a very long journey to recovery and his quality of life would be poor. "I know your in pain boy but soon it'll be gone" I whisper as a vet walks up holding a needle. I watch as the vet injects something into the brindle and the brindle gives a shudder before going lifeless. His massive head falls into my lap with his lifeless sky blue eye stareing at me. For the first time in forever I let myself cry as I remain by the dead horse. He's another who cared about me but died because of me. Someone pushes at my shoulder and I turn my head to see Enheduanna, standing behind me. "He's gone girl he's gone" I tell the filly as I stroke her soft silky neck with one hand.

"Alex, wake up" My sister shouts as she pushes me off the bed and onto the hard wooden floor. I land with a giant thud and relize with a sigh of relief that it was all just a dream. "Ow Hope, what did you do that for?" I ask my younger sister as I get back in my bed and check the time. It's not even midnight yet so there's no reason for my sister to be waking me up. "I had a nightmare and can't  get back to sleep and I heard you shouting" Hope, tells me sitting down next to me. 'Everyone who cared about me is dead. I should push her away so I won't kill her too' a part of my mind tells me as I put a arm around Hope. "Want to talk about it? " I ask the blond eight year old as I recall the details of my dream. It felt so realistic I would have never know it was a dream if Hope, hadn't woken my up. "It was about the wreck. I didn't get knocked unconscious but I watched you, Casimir, Fergus, mom and dad all die painfully and slowly. You begged for me to help but I just couldn't move no matter how much I tried" Hope, tells me sobbing into my shoulder. I've had the same dream many times before and I have a basic idea of what Hope, is feeling right now. I don't talk or make a sound as my sister cries onto my shoulder. Fergus's darm brown eyes burning with hate, Casimir's, green eyes a sea of sadness, Hope's blue eyes showing betrayal but the disappointment in the eyes of my parents is the worst. In that dream they see me as a complete failure and have gone as far as calling me a failure and a mistake. "Mom and dad, died instantly they didn't feel any pain" I tell Hope, repeating the words the doctors once told me. "What about Fergus ? " Hope, asks quietly as she runs out of tears. I still remember watching the life bleed out of Fergus, on that night. It's impossible to describe the amount of pain he was in and for Fergus, was the kindness thing. If recuse services had been quicker then he could have survived but he wouldn't have had a good painfree life. "Same thing he felt nothing" I tell my sister hating myself for lieing to her but she's too young to know the truth about Fergus's, last minutes. Maybe someday when she's older I'll have the courage to tell her the truth but for now it's kinder to lie to her. "What about your dream Alex?" Hope, asks me quietly her tears gone. "I was back home riding. I felt at peace with myself then the horse went down and broke his leg" I tell Hope, not wanting to tell her the details. "Maybe it's your heart's way of telling you to give horses a second chance" Hope, suggests and for once I think she might be on to something. " The horse died but another came to me" I tell Hope, quietly my voice full of sadness. "Maybe the dead horse represents your past and the other represents your future" Hope, suggests and as crazy as it sounds it makes sense. "Maybe I'll give horses a second chance" I tell my sister happy we had this late night talk.

Yesterday at my dad's retirement party we lost the car keys only to find them in the pinata.