"Friends"

The beginning of the end

I didn't even notice myself start to deteriorate after that night, but I guess others did. Before I knew it, Amy had got her 3 A's and headed away from the town and down to Bristol to study medicine. That was the end of that. My secret was officially a secret again. I didn't realise how much my life would change when she went to university. I didn't realise how little I cared until every day became a battle between my Dad and me. I didn't notice how hard it used to be or how little I cared about what he thought about me. The summer were days spent in whatever patch of grass we could find with alcohol and forgotten music. It was forgotten days and secret kisses. By the end of the summer, I had even mastered the art of sneaking out my window. After an argument with my Dad I wanted to tell him. I wanted to scream it from the rooftop. Every time something stopped me and even know I don't quite know what it was but I reckon it was because even when I hated his guts I didn't want him to hate me because I knew that would happen truly. He could be angry with me all he wanted, but he didn't ever hate me because I was his child. He would never tell me he hated me even when I had driven him crazy, even when I would lie to him. He wouldn't question it because even in the darkest hour he trusted me, he wanted me to find faith, and he was determined that religion would change me. That God had a plan and he just had to ride it out.

Waving Amy off to university was a happy day for my Dad. He had instead on driving her so left me in charge of Emmett and Lane. I don't know why he still trusted me. I guess he didn't have much choice. I knew he had probably set up CCTV cameras around the house anyway, and we weren't allowed to leave even though I had a car and was allowed to something stopped me. No one of my Dads rules had stopped me in the recent months. I had taken them as more of a suggestion than an order, but I didn't want to ruin a proud moment. I knew he deserved that because I knew what he was going to think of me. I knew deep down that he would never get that proud university moment with me and I knew I wouldn't miss it but he lived off them. My dad like having something to tell the people at church. He loved being relatable yet just slightly better than the people he was relating too. I don't know why, he just always had. My dad had always been on the subtly competitive side of life. He couldn't be obviously competitive he ran a church people had to trust him without the fear of being judged.

It was only when Christmas arrived that we truly saw the brokenness I had caused, it was only when the family was viewed with fresh eyes that I understood what mess I had created. But, no one could ever prepare me for what was going to happen, after every argument no one could ever really prepare me.

I saw a hint of sadness in Amy's eyes. I hadn't seen it before I wasn't a little girl anymore and I would never be again. No longer did I hang on to Dads words or want to be a preacher's daughter. Mine and my Dads similarities now inked me and I didn't want to be anything like him. I think that hurt her. Last month I took all my clothes to a thrift store, coming home with a whole new range of clothes. Mum would turn I her grave at them but for the first time I felt like me all the time. I no longer had a church section of my wardrobe or a grandparent appropriate section.Every single item hanging up felt like me. I guess Amy couldn't understand that sometimes things just slip away. When I first started to hide things from my family I didn't realise how quickly things would fall apart in May I was a happy church girl living a secret life. Now it was December, and my life couldn't be filled with more secrets if I tried, I was filled with more lies than anything else. Yes, I was happier. I cared less and had grown up a lot yet I still didn't want my Dad to know the secret that started it all. Me and my Dad weren't close anymore but I didn't want to hurt him more than I already had. I didn't hate him as much as I wanted to. Since he first met Maya at the church, we had drifted further and further apart. He had learnt the hard way not to try and bone with me over religion anymore because each and every time just drove me further away. At first, I didn't even notice it was happening and by the time I realised the change, I always realised I was happier than ever before. I liked not feeling the moral need to answer my Dads 100 questions on where I was going. I like making love to my girlfriend when I was meant to be revising. My father didn't know the truth that was the trouble but at least this way he would stop talking to me before I had the chance to tell him.