My Sunshine

She Can Talk!

Ok, I really can't deny it anymore. I love Evan! He wants me to give him a sign that I can hear him. Let me see if I can move my hand. I can feel his hand holding mine. I just need to squeeze his hand to reassure him I'll be fine.

"Faith, please. Something, anything! Come on babe, I know you can do this! Ok, let's try something. One squeeze for yes, two for no. If you want me to talk to you squeeze once, twice for no."

I really need to squeeze his hand!
I feel numb as my fingers twitch to grasp his hand.

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"Evan! Is she awake now?"

"Yes, Sunny! Well, I mean she squeezed hand so I'm guessing that's huge progress!"

"Oh, ok Sweetheart. I have to go back to work. Stay with her."

"Baby steps, now she just has to open her eyes."

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"Ok Faith, you don't have to talk if you don't want to. I know you his whole thing has been traumatic over these two weeks. I have to be back to Missouri so I can spend eternity in homework jail. Ha! My principal said I have to be back in two weeks or they'll expel me. It's worth being here with you though. The doctor said today you can try to speak. So if you want to, you can try."

"Evan, you know you could have messaged your principal and asked him to email you your homework, right? You're so cute, you know that Sunshine? Also, you better have meant those lyrics fuzzy little man peach! Do I have to open my eyes yet? I feel like it's gonna hurt. Like I'll be so mad that I'll suck your blood if you force me to open my eyes! Oh, and tell my mom I need to hit her for bringing you here! You have a schedule! I feel so bad about this!"

"No no no Faith! I wanted to come! I mean, this could have been the only time I would have been able to see you in person! Your mom told me you left a note. What do you mean by your monsters?"

"The monsters are my insecurities, my worse nightmares, and my biggest fears. They drowned me. They took over my body. I don't even think that was me. I was fighting for my life, Evan. You give me life. You are my Sunshine. I will never stop telling you that. Why? Because sunshine keeps the monsters away. The sun shines on them and they shrivel away. Again, you are my Sunshine. My ONLY Sunshine. You make the monsters go away."

"How did they drown you babe?"

"I don't remember now that you're right in front of me honestly. I just kept thinking about that guy that broke my heart and I had a feeling I would fall harder for you. So I tried t focus on myself.

My mom told you about my audition, right? Unfortunately because I kept thinking about that rejection, I thought the judges would reject me, on top of thinking you would reject me too. My fear of being rejected again was too strong. It consumed me. Rejection is probably my biggest insecurity. I couldn't keep my monsters inside any longer. They needed to come out; or should I say, they had to be unleashed.

Nothing could match the pain in my heart. I learned to control my outburst of emotions, so no one knew how much I was suffering. My mom thought I was fine, but my heart was aching. She asked me if I was stable, and I played it off by saying, 'stable? Are you kidding! I love singing, and guitar is my life! It's what makes me who I am. It's my purpose in life!'

I'm sorry I led you to believe I was fine by saying that in my broadcast. It's just, I used to always be vocal about my hurt, so people just stopped caring. No one believed me when I said I was gonna kill myself. So, here I am! I've hidden my pain for a year, then said I was gonna kill myself. Which, obviously I was gonna try. Everyone just thought I was trying to be an attention seeker again. I've never been an attention seeker. I hate getting a lot of attention over my problems. I would tell one 'trusted' friend, and then they would tell their group of friends everything. They would then all agree I was just doing it for attention. I hope this has struck some reality into their heads!

After you said, 'how could anyone reject you Faith? You're amazing! I love you,' my first instinct was to wake up. I didn't though because I wanted to make sure you really did love me. I didn't want to wake up and see that you would just be like, 'oh, great she's awake so now I can go back to Missouri.' I wanted to wait a couple weeks to see if you would just go home but you didn't. You completely forgot about everything back home to put everything you have into trying to wake me up. Haha! You forgot about school and homework until your principal emailed you! If that's not love, then what is?

Um...just so you know, nobody else could have woken me up you saved me, Evan. You're my guardian angel. I don't know what I'd do without you! What I'm trying to say is, I love you too! I never want anyone to take my Sunshine away."