Chapter six
It was the end of the tour and we had finished it off in Liverpool. This tour was our best, by a mile. For Cheryl and I, the reason behind it being so much better than all the other tours was because of our new situation. We weren’t just best friends anymore, we were partners, and every sneaky hand hold or bum slap on this tour hit deeper than anyone else could ever know. It felt extra special, and that was because nobody else in the world knew about it, apart from us. It was our world, a world we had been living in for just over a month and everyday was exciting and fresh, I now actually looked forward to waking up each morning, a huge comparison to how I was feeling two months ago, and the irony of that is the fact it’s the same person that has caused two contradictory feelings.
I forget sometimes that Cheryl isn’t solely mine; i'm still sharing her, with him. When I find myself waking up at the most ungodly hour, I can be lying next to her in my bed, just watching her peacefully sleep, and it’ll suddenly smack me in the face that she isn’t mine, not properly, it’s as though someone has just thrown a brick at me to remind me not to get so content, to not hand myself over to her 100%, not yet anyway. It’s just a subtle reminder to let me know that she isn’t mine, she’s his, and in reality, I'm just her dirty little secret.
**
“Drinks!!!” shouted the long haired, long legged, Irish member of the band, as she carefully made her way over to our VIP section carrying the drinks, at our end of tour party.
“That’s what I like to hear Nadine!” Nicola whooped, standing up to take a few of the glasses out of Nadine’s grasp.
“Here’s to us and another amazing tour” I said, as I held my glass of champagne into the air, awaiting the nodding of heads and cheers of agreement as their glasses clinked against mine, in a celebratory fashion. I caught Cheryl’s eye and she gave me a little wink and a glowing smile.
My heart melted.
“And here is to another successful year” added Sarah, as we all cheered again.
I looked over at Cheryl who was stood on the opposite side of the table to me, she had just turned into conversation with one of our male dancers, they were laughing together, a bit too enthusiastically, he threw his arm around her shoulder, and she nudged him in the stomach with her fist, still the pair of them finding something amusing. I watched and watched, and with each second that passed I could feel something stirring inside of me, and I knew what this feeling was, because I used to get it years ago, every time I caught her in the arms of Ashley, even when I was sitting there in the arms of Justin. It was jealousy. I was jealous. I got a sudden sense of insecurity too, what if she preferred being in the arms of a man like that? That could be the answer to all my unvoiced questions, is that why she wasn't ending things with Tre? I had an overwhelming feeling of uncertainty that I didn't like, all I could see when I watched the pair of them opposite me in such a close proximity, was her and Tre. It was as if the dancer was morphing into him, I felt like I was going mad.
“Oi Kimberley” I heard followed by a nudge in the arm, “you alright babe? You look like you've seen a ghost”, it was Nadine, I turned to look at her, realising I’d been staring at the two of them opposite me for too long.
“Yeah” I cleared my throat, “I'm just going to nip to the toilet, I won’t be a minute” I said, putting my glass into her free hand and quickly excusing myself.
Once I was out of sight, I picked up the pace of my legs and almost catapulted through the door into the toilets. To my luck there was nobody else in there, I leant up against the sink, the palm of my hands holding up all of my weight, I just looked at myself in the mirror, and looked, and looked, for what felt like forever. I tried to read my face, but I couldn't, it wasn't conveying anything, a delicate unknown. I ran my hand heavily through my hair and let out a breath I’d quite clearly been holding for a while. I turned around on the spot, my back now facing the mirror, leaning gently against the sinks; I looked intently at the cubicle door in front of me, trying to make sense of all the insecurities that had finally reached the surface of my mind. Where on earth had they come from?
The door slowly creaked open, and on turning to face it, I saw the petite brunette woman I call my girlfriend enter the room.
“There you are” she said her voice and face both showing a sense of relief.
“Here I am” I answered, dejectedly, lifting my shoulders and crossing my arms in front of me. That would be something for a body language expert to have a field day on. They’d say I was hiding myself away and protecting myself from her, wouldn't they?
Maybe I am.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” she spoke, instantly noticing my tone of voice and probably my obvious body language; she frowned and reached forward to touch my arm.
“Nothing is wrong, I'm fine” I lied, and shuffled on the spot, looking anywhere but at her, just magnifying how much I was lying.Well done Kimberley, I sarcastically thought to myself.
She looked at me, “I'm not convinced” she smiled, but not like she usually does, it looked slightly sad actually.
“I'm just being stupid, it’s nothing. Let’s go back out there and enjoy the party, yeah?” I tried my best to portray a sense of self-assurance. I unfolded my arms and stood straight, moving from my position stood in front of her and the intense stare she had held over me.
My hand had just gripped the handle of the door, when I heard her call my name. I turned round quickly to face her, she didn’t say anything, but instead just looked at me.
“What?” I questioned, waiting for her to speak.
She smiled, “you look beautiful tonight”.
Did she mean that? Or could she just sense how insecure I felt? How insecure I had suddenly become just because I saw her innocently laughing around with another man? I was pathetic.
“Let’s go” I smiled, a small one, but still I smiled, I motioned my head towards the door, and held my hand out for her to take.
**
We were well into the night of our end of tour party, I didn’t even know what time it was to tell the truth, all I knew was that the alcohol had consumed a large proportion of my body and I felt about 10% in control of my actions. I’d dragged Cheryl onto the dance floor with me, and she was currently swaying closely behind me, her hands tentatively holding my sides, I pushed my back up against her front, and her arms simultaneously tightly wrapped around my waist. My frame was covered by a mid cut top, so my stomach was visibly on show, and my bottom half was covered by tight black trousers. I could feel that as her arms came around my middle, she started to stroke the bare skin of my stomach.
“You’re amazing” she breathed into my ear, her breath running down my neck was causing goosebumps to rush and cover every inch of my body. I couldn't think of anything other than what I wanted to be doing with her right now as we sensually danced in unison with each other. Our relationship hadn't yet reached the physical stage, purely because every time she tried, I would stop it from leading any further, she knew why, and it was because I wasn't willing to give myself up so emotionally, so physically whilst she was still with him. But right now, I didn't care and I don’t think she did either. All thoughts of her relationship with Tre had disappeared from my mind; I was so intoxicated, that all of my self control went out of the window. I wanted her. She sharply took hold of my hips, in a way that showed her desires were running as high as mine, she twisted me round so we were now facing one another, we practically crashed into each other with the force in which she did it, she lifted her arms and hung them loosely around my shoulders, her hands had found the back of my neck through my hair, and she delicately stroked the skin. I had to be thankful for the darkness this room held, and for the amount of drunken people that surrounded us, people that couldn't care less about what we were doing, and who would definitely have forgotten by the morning if they thought they had seen something. I took my hands away from her hips, and ran them around the back of her; I placed them just above her bum, on the small of her back. I suddenly noticed how dangerously close our lips were after I pulled my eyes away from hers, her eyes that were so full of lust, desire and hunger. Then suddenly it was as if she had just noticed too, because the magnetic force started to repel, she pulled away slightly and looked down, still swaying but not half as sensuous as she was a few seconds before, her arms removed themselves from around my neck and she lightly brought them down the length of my arms, before taking hold of my hands.
She looked at me and shook her head, “we can’t”.
She squeezed my hands, and smiled apologetically and then turned on her heel, making a swift exit in between all the bodies, away from the dance floor, and more noticeably, away from me.
Every insecurity from three hours before had just individually began to rear their ugly heads again.
Thanks Cheryl.
**
“Coffee?” Nicola asked from where she stood in the kitchen area of her hotel room as I sat up in the bed.
“No thanks” I said and held my heavy head in my hands.
“You look pretty awful Kimberley” Nicola laughed as she walked over to the bed with one steaming mug of coffee in her hand.
“Cheers” I mumbled from my buried position. I suddenly realised that I was in the bed of the wrong band member as I lifted my weighty head to look at her. “Why am I here?” I frowned.
“I didn’t want you to be on your own. I've never seen you so drunk before. By the time we left, you couldn't even stand up. It was quite funny really, Sarah found it most humorous” she started laughing and tapped me sympathetically on the arm. A thought must have popped into her head, because she started laughing a lot harder.
“Oh god what?” I cringed.
“Oh Kimberley! I couldn't imagine you doing something like it that’s what made it so funny, but I think you actually killed me last night” she started laughing again, and then it subsided as a look of confusion covered her face, “Cheryl was fuming actually; she couldn't see the humour in it at all. But us three on the other hand nearly died due to lack of oxygen, we were laughing so much” she then started chuckling to herself again.
I couldn't even begin to imagine what had happened last night. What had I done? I was dreading to hear this.
“Nic, spit it out” I pushed, fearing if I had revealed anything, and more importantly what I had done that was so bad that it had infuriated Cheryl.
“You went up to some bloke that Cheryl was talking to, I don’t know who he was, but he’d come over to speak to us, he took particular interest in her, he was flirting a bit I suppose, you pushed yourself in between them both, causing Cheryl to almost break an ankle in the meantime, you were full on throwing yourself all over him, giving it all the mouth that you would show him a better time than Cheryl ever could and all this. Thinking back, it’s really cringe-worthy, but it was so funny at the time. The poor blokes face was a picture, you frightened him half to death. And Cheryl, well she said something about how pathetic you’d make yourself look and left the place, we didn't see her anymore after that, us four left about an hour later” I just looked at her, open mouthed, shocked, and all round disgusted with myself actually.
“Tell me you’re joking” I said, straight to the point.
“Unfortunately, I'm not” she cringed.
“I've got to talk to Cheryl” I immediately replied, I threw the covers off of me quickly, a movement far too strong for my delicate head.
“Woah, hold up a minute, you can’t” she said, and I frowned, signalling that I didn't understand, so she carried on. “She isn't here, she text me around 7 this morning telling me she was on her way home” she leant towards me, and stopped me from moving another muscle by grabbing my arm. “You’re in no fit state to go rushing off anywhere right now; I’d hate to think how much of you is still swimming in alcohol” she laughed slightly.
“Was she really p!ssed off Nic?” I questioned, hoping she’d tell me it was all a joke.
She nodded.
What have I gone and done?! It’s true, I'm pathetic.
**
I knocked cautiously on her door, after a lengthy drive home from Liverpool; it was around six o’clock in the evening. Luckily I’d got the car home with Nicola, we were chauffeur driven, and the two of us spoke about the most mundane things in the back of the car, so mundane that I wasn't really paying much attention, I was in too much thought about Cheryl and how much explaining I had to do. I was dreading it, I felt so ashamed, so stupid.
He had dropped me at Cheryl’s first then went on to drop Nicola home, so here I was standing at her front door, awaiting what was going to happen next. After a short time, the door opened and in front of me stood a very tired looking Cheryl.
“Hey” I said awkwardly, I felt like a little school girl, ready for a very obligatory telling off. She didn't say anything back, she just stepped aside and pulled the door open a little further, signalling that I could come in.
“Are you okay?” I asked, meekly.
“Yes, are you?” She replied, evenly. I followed her into the living room, and I instantly noticed that she made her way over to the single chair, normally she’d flop onto the long settee, and pull me down onto it with her. This was just proof of how much of an idiot I’d been. How much she didn't really want to be anywhere near me, so much so, she went and sat on the solitary chair at the other end of the room.
“Yeah, I'm okay” I stood there uneasily for a moment, I felt like I’d just walked into a strangers home, I started lowering myself slowly to sit right on the edge of her settee. I looked at her; she’d pulled her legs up underneath her and folded her arms around her, her hands were hidden by the long sleeved, woolly cardigan pulled over them. Her hair was flowing down over her shoulders, in its natural state, framing her face; she looked perfect.
“I need to apologise” I blurted out.
“Oh, so you knew what you were doing then?” she snapped immediately, I wasn't expecting that reaction and so quickly, I'm sure I flinched slightly.
“Well no, I didn't remember a thing, Nicola told me this morning” I said, feeling so ashamed that I couldn't even look at her.
She shook her head and laughed to herself, incredulously.
“I was an idiot Cheryl, I didn't know what I was doing” I relayed, in hope it might make her come round.
“So that makes it okay?” for the first time since I had arrived, she looked at me, her eyes looked heavy, they weren't occupying any make up and she looked like she hadn't slept all night.
“Of course it doesn't, I'm just saying if I was aware of what I was doing then I wouldn't have humiliated you like that, you know I wouldn't” I said, trying to defend myself and my ridiculous actions from the night before.
She didn't really answer anything to that, I don’t think last night was the biggest worry on her mind, I just sensed that there was something else making her feel so withdrawn from me. She took herself from the current position she was sat in and ran her fingers through her hair, leaning forward in the chair. “I just don’t understand you sometimes Kimberley” she breathed, with a sense of frustration about her. What on earth did she mean by that? I thought to myself.
“What do you mean by that?” I questioned that thought aloud.
She ran her hand across her forehead, “It’s like one minute you’re fine with me, we’re on top of the world, and the next, I feel like I have absolutely no idea what’s going on with us or what’s going on in your head". She paused and looked at me, "You haven’t even told me you love me” she shrugged heavily and the emotion that laced her voice at the end of her sentence, actually made my heart ache.
“You can hardly blame me Cheryl, I have no idea what’s going on with us either, I don’t know what to think half the time, and you know why that is, it’s like last night when I saw you with...” I stopped and exhaled, “oh it doesn't matter” I just resigned myself to the fact she wouldn't understand and would come up with some excuse.
“No go on” she pushed.
I didn't answer.
“Go on!” she raised her voice; it was like she was ready to defend herself to the death.
“Every time I looked at you last night, you were enjoying yourself....” she stopped me before I could even finish my sentence by interrupting me.
“Sorry for enjoying myself” she snapped.
“If you would let me finish, then I’d explain” I snapped back. “Every time I looked at you last night, you were enjoying yourself and it was always when I saw you in the company of a man” I felt stupid for saying it, but to me, that’s how it looked, and that was no one’s fault but her own, because she won’t jump off of this tight rope just to be with me.
“Don’t be so ridiculous” she said defensively.
“See, I can’t even try to explain to you how I'm feeling because you just don’t get it” I replied, I felt crushed and unbelievably misunderstood.
“It is ridiculous Kimberley, you know I love you” she said with so much conviction, for a moment I actually believed her. “I wasn't annoyed with you last night, I was hurt, hurt that you didn't trust me, you thought I was flirting with this man. I could never do that to you, and more to the point, you humiliated me” she got up from her chair and moved briskly over to the draws in her living room, she riffled through the top draw and pulled out an envelope, she walked over to me and dropped it in my lap.
“Open it” she said calmly and sat down next to me on the settee. I looked at her, fearing what was I was about to find when I opened this envelope. “Just open it Kimberley” she said impatiently, and tapped the envelope that was wedged tightly between my fingers.
And so I did.
“I don’t get it?” I frowned and looked at what I had just pulled out from the envelope and then looked up at Cheryl.
“It’s tickets to LA” she said, and I physically felt my heart sink, she had chosen him.
I knew it; I knew this last month was just her opportunity to decide on what she really wanted.
“I'm ending it with him Kimberley, I'm flying out there next week and I'm ending it with him” she revealed. I instantly regretted how I had automatically thought the worst in her, that just highlighting how insecure I feel in myself because of this whole messed up situation.
I still thought I hadn't heard correctly, surely I hadn't heard this right. She was ending it with him? I felt like slapping myself in the face to make sure I wasn't in fact imagining this.
“Now do you believe how much I love you?” she said with a small smile and hope in her eyes.
“You’re really doing it? You’re really going to finish it with him?” I asked, my voice mirroring the same type of hope her eyes seemed to be radiating.
“I've told you right from the beginning that I was going to end it with him Kimberley” she said forcefully.
“I know”
“You never believed me though did you?” she questioned, her voice was laced in sadness.
“I did, I just started to lose faith” I looked at her, and reached for her hand, “I'm sorry about last night babe, I'm sorry for not trusting you, I'm sorry for thinking all of the things I thought” I apologised, full to the brim with regret.
“I know you are” she took her hand from mine and wrapped her arms around my body, into a tight hug.
“ We've just got to wait a little longer, and then it’ll just be us, I promise” she said, and I buried my face into her shoulder, taking in her warmth, her smell and her embrace full of love.
I knew exactly what three words would fall perfectly from my lips in this moment, but I couldn't tell her I loved her, not until she was finally mine to be able to love so entirely.
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Chapter 7 is up guys
Chapter seven
“Let me take you out tonight” she suddenly said as we laid in, cuddled up in each others arms in my bed. We had been awake for about an hour, and hadn't moved from this comfortable position. We had been talking about the most ordinary of things, gossiping about people and laughing about memories that had cropped up into our heads from tour bus journeys many years ago.
“Ooo! Really?” I asked, feeling excited about her idea already.
She searched for my hand underneath the duvet and took it securely into hers, “yeah, I want to treat you babe” she looked up from the position where her head laid on my chest, “and I leave for LA tomorrow, I want us to do something nice together before I go”.
I reached down and pressed my lips gently against hers, I felt her lips form into a smile as we done so.
“I would say I wish you weren't going to LA, but I'm glad you are, it means this whole love triangle will be over with” I laughed softly, knowing that this topic of conversation was still on very delicate ground.
“I wish I could take you with me though” she said, pulling her bottom lip down into a sad pout.
“I'll be here waiting for you to get back babe” I smiled and ran my hand softly through her hair.
She nodded, “Let’s just enjoy today, and lets spend it in bed until we go out tonight, what ya say?” she giggled and nudged me in the side.
“You’re sooooo lazy! But I definitely like that idea” I teased.
“Good” she leant up on her elbow and moved further up the bed so her face was in line with mine. “And with those lips Miss Walsh, lets just say, you’re going to get very bored of kissing me by the time we go out later” she laughed.
“Bored of kissing you? That’s impossible” I held my hand in the depths of her hair and pulled her face closer to mine, I planted my lips tenderly against hers, the kiss soon deepened and I heard her lightly moan.
**
Cheryl had just put her suitcase at the foot of the stairs in her house; I had been round all morning, helping her to pack. We had joked, and I kept pointing out how much I had helped her pack, in comparison to how rubbish she was when I was packing to see my family before the tour got underway.
“I suppose I should go then” she said sadly, as she looked out of the window to see the car had arrived that would be chauffeuring her to the airport.
I shrugged heavily, and walked over to her, taking her into my arms, hugging her softly. I could feel her chin resting on my shoulder and soon enough her arms tightened desperately around my body, as if she was clinging onto me. “I'm going to miss you babe” she said, ever so quietly.
“I'll miss you too” I pulled out of the hug slowly and kissed her on the cheek.
“Just think how perfect it’ll be when I get back” she smiled as she thought about it. “We can look forward positively, without any worries” she took my hands into hers and held them loosely in between our bodies.
“That thought is the only thing that’s getting me through the fact I know you are going to be seeing him soon” I laughed lightly, I didn't find it funny though. It still worried me, what if she saw him and realised she did love him more than she loves me. “You’re going out there for us, to sort our happiness out” I concluded.
She nodded and leant forward to press her lips against mine, I kissed her back and we hugged quickly again.
“I'll call you when I'm there” she said, and turned to pick her suitcase up. I opened the front door for her, and as she walked over the threshold she squeezed my hand and looked at me once she’d hit the fresh air.
“I love you” she said quietly.
It saddened me that she knew I wasn't going to say it back, the way she immediately turned away just highlighted how much she had expected me not to say it, she carried on with her walk across the drive way towards the waiting car, tugging at the suitcase as it bumped across the stone covered ground.
I watched as the she got into the back of the black, very posh looking car, I couldn't tell if she was looking at me through the window because they were blacked out, so I smiled anyway and gave a small wave, and I after I watched the car drive off, I closed the door and stepped inside.
I walked into her living room, and my eyes landed on her mantel piece, I picked up the framed picture of the both of us, it was pride of place, it always had been. I smiled as I looked at her in the picture, her face was pressed tightly up against mine and she was beaming, her smile was physically glowing that’s how beautiful she was. She made my heart want to burst with the amount of love I held for her. I couldn't wait for her to get home just so I could finally tell her how much I love her, how much I always have done and quite honestly, how much I always will.
**
Cheryl had been in LA for three days now and I hadn't heard much from her, I hadn't expected to really, but after spending so much time together recently, and being so intimately close with her, I was finding it hard being away from her, harder than I had imagined it to be. Since the tour had finished, we have spent every day together, give or take, either at my house, or at hers, just like a well established couple would. I had been waking up next to her every morning, having breakfast, lunch and dinner with her, snuggling up with her on the sofa watching trashy TV, going to sleep cuddled up into her. We had practically been living together, and even after over two months of being together, I feel like we've got a lifetime of memories from our new relationship that I keep clinging onto, keep reminiscing over, purely because of how much I missed her.
I hoped she was missing me too.
I've been focusing on what she’s gone out there to do, she’s out there for me, for us, for our future happiness, and for that, I am so proud of her. I understood how hard this was for her, how much she was dreading breaking this man’s heart. He had never hurt her, he had never done anything wrong, she liked him, I even liked him, but she knew she was going to break his heart, and knowing that she was the cause of someone else’s pain hurt Cheryl more than anything else ever could. She has a heart of gold; she wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone, not even a fly.
I keep telling myself that she’ll be home soon, I've only got to wait 24 hours, and she’ll be back, and we’ll be truly happy, just like we deserve.
**
It was finally Friday, after four long days, Cheryl was coming back and I knew she would be going home first, before coming round to mine, so I’d planned a little idea. Cheryl and I both had a set of keys to each others house, it just seemed ideal, as we practically lived in either house with each other anyway. I was in her kitchen, arranging a huge bouquet of flowers on the table in her dining room that I had just bought for her, they looked and smelt beautiful, I knew she would love them; Cheryl loves anything with a little thought behind it. There was a mixture in the bouquet, flowers weren't my forte, nor were they Cheryl’s so I just picked the ones that looked the prettiest. I riffled through my hand bag to find the little card I had bought along with the flowers, so I could write my message on it.
Once I had it in my hand, I sat down at the table and squiggled out some words.
“It’s finally our time for happiness, I've missed you, see you soon, all my love, Kimba xx”
I smiled as I read it over and propped it up against the vase that I had just arranged the flowers into.
I briskly left Cheryl’s once I had sorted my little plan out, and made my way home, not even ten minutes away. As I drove around the main roads, I couldn't help but smile, I had the radio blaring, my window open, the weather was lovely, and everyone seemed to have a positive way about them. I was so excited to be seeing her again, I couldn't wait to feel her arms wrapped around me, I couldn't wait to see her smile and more importantly I couldn't wait to tell her exactly how I feel about her. This day was the start to our future together.
As I pulled into my long drive way, I quickly swung the car round and parked up; I looked at my watch and saw that Cheryl would be due home within the next half an hour. I wish I could see her face when she walks into her home and see’s those flowers. I can only imagine how huge that smile will be.
I got out of the car, swung my handbag onto my shoulder, and locked the car; I walked up to my front door, and swiftly opened it. Before I had the chance to close the door behind me, I felt a pair of arms throw themselves around me.
I couldn't believe it, I felt like screaming I was so happy.
“Cheryl!” I shouted out, shocked, as I wrapped my arms back around her.
“ I've missed you so much Kimberley!” she said loudly, still with her arms wrapped tightly around me. I finally managed to shut the door, very awkwardly, using my elbows, shoulders and feet. I was being clung to too tightly to be able to use your usual body parts to shut a door.
We pulled away from the embrace and looked at each other and started laughing excitedly, “what are you doing here already?” I asked, I felt elated, I wasn't expecting to see her for hours yet, and here she was in my house, waiting for me to get home.
“I got an earlier flight babe, I wanted to knock on the door and surprise you, but that was ruined because you weren't bloody here” she started laughing. “I had to re-think my surprise, and so waited for you to arrive back” she reached out for my hands, “Where were you anyway?” she asked, it dawning on her that I must have actually been somewhere.
“Oh, no where, it doesn't matter, I just can’t believe you surprised me like that” I said breathlessly.
“Was it a good surprise?” she smiled and wrapped her arms around my neck, pushing the front of her up against my upper body.
“Of course” I said powerfully.
She smiled, “let me kiss you” she said eagerly, passionately, and I'm sure with a hint of desperation.
“Wow, you have missed me haven’t you?” I laughed.
She didn't even answer, just in the most desperate of ways I've ever experienced with her, she forcefully crashed our lips together, her lips felt so soft, it was like I’d forgot how amazing they felt when placed upon my own, It felt like we hadn't kissed for that much of a long time. I felt her start to nibble on my bottom lip and I could help but let a moan escape from my lips, her hands caressed my back and then she dropped them onto my bum and squeezed it strongly. It was getting too heated, and it was when I could feel the passion bubbling away in me that a sudden realisation set in, I pulled away from the kiss a bit too quickly, she looked at me, with a puzzled look on her face.
She hadn't even told me if she’d finished with Tre, she hadn't murmured one word about the few days in LA, I didn't even know what had happened, I didn't know where our relationship even stood.
“Did you end it with him?” I asked it clearly and just looked at her, I had some much hope oozing from me.
She pulled her arms away from around me precariously slowly and frowned as if I’d just spoken in another language.
“I'm home aren't I? Of course I ended it with him. I wasn't coming home until I had done it. If I hadn't of done it by today then I’d have stayed out there until I did. I would have just caught a later flight back” she explained, a bit too hastily, she was looking over my face, as if trying to read me.
“You really ended it?” I smiled; hope was filling up inside of me.
“I really ended it babe” she said.
Cheryl’s POV
“Let me kiss you” I said it eagerly, passionately, and with a hint of desperation. I needed to try and prove it to her.
“Wow, you have missed me haven’t you?” Kimberley laughed.
I didn't even answer, just in the most desperate of ways I've ever been with her, I forcefully crashed our lips together, it felt like we hadn't kissed for so long. I had to try and make her believe how much I had missed her, how desperately she thought I wanted her. I started to nibble on her bottom lip and I heard a moan escape from her lips, it felt good to hear that, my hands caressed across every part of her back and I dropped them onto her perfect bum and squeezed it strongly. It was getting too heated, but that was good, if she was letting herself go then it meant she believed from my actions that I’d ended it with him, and then I wouldn't have to explain. She then suddenly pulled away from the kiss; I could tell by the way she was looking at me, that the realisation had set in.
Crap.
I hadn't even mentioned Tre, I didn't want to talk about my few days in LA, I didn't want to tell her what had happened, because It meant our relationship wouldn't be stood where I want it so desperately to be stood.
“Did you end it with him?” she asked it clearly and just looked at me, her eyes were full of so much hope.
I pulled my arms away from around her precariously slowly and frowned, I didn't want her to ask that, I'm an idiot; of course she was going to ask that. I swear my heart was breaking just looking at her.
“I'm home aren't I? Of course I ended it with him. I wasn't coming home until I had done it. If I hadn't of done it by today then I’d have stayed out there until I did. I would have just caught a later flight back” I explained, a bit too hastily, I was rambling on, not making any sense, I sounded nervous, I knew it. I looked over her face, trying to read her reaction, had she noticed?
“You really ended it?” she smiled; she looked so happy. She believed it.
“I really ended it babe” I said, as I looked her cold in the face and lied.
I had lied to my beautiful Kimberley. Everything had gone wrong, and I didn't know what to do.
I hated myself.
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Chapter 8 is hereee
Chapter eight
“Who was it?” I asked Cheryl from where I sat in my living room. It had been a few days since Cheryl had been back from LA, a few of the most perfect days of my life to be completely honest. She was mine, completely and utterly mine. I didn't have to worry anymore, I knew she loved me, she had proved that by ending it with him. The negative spin on our relationship was no longer there, it suddenly felt newer than it had done two months ago, when we had originally got together.
“Only Sarah” she called back. She had just made a swift exit into the kitchen to take a phone call not even a couple of minutes previous.
“What did she want?” I asked matter of fact, whilst flicking through the TV channels with the remote, as Cheryl made her way back into the living room.
“Not a lot, she just asked whether we fancied going out tonight, the five of us” she sat down next to me, “but I turned her down, I told her that I had more pressing matters to attend to” she giggled flirtatiously and sat up onto her knees, leaning over me and kissing me softly on the lips, meanwhile taking the remote slowly from my hands, and dropping it to the floor gently. On bringing her hand back up, she dropped it on my thigh, we pulled away from the kiss and I looked at her. She had a knowing look in her eyes, a look that made me nervous. She had given me this look too many times over the last two months, one I've had to detour around and make excuses for.
“I want to show you how much I love you Kimberley” she muttered as she brought her hand up to my face and stroked it across my cheek.
I gulped and shuffled nervously in my seat, pulling my eyes away from hers and looking at anything else I could find in the room.
“Do you not want to?” I looked back at her, and her eyebrows had formed into a little frown.
“You know I want to” I said quickly as if she had just asked the most ridiculous question ever. “I'm nervous Chez, that’s all” I shrugged dejectedly.
“Why are you nervous babe?” she shuffled herself off of her knees and sat back down onto her bum, she crossed her legs and faced me, taking my hands tenderly into hers and holding them in her lap.
“It’s going to sound stupid” I knew I had my reasons; I just hadn't voiced them with her yet. It was quite handy having the excuse that I wasn't willing to do it until she’d finished things with Tre, but now, it was an inevitable thing to happen in the next stage of our relationship, and I wanted to, I was desperate for her. I just had a fear.
“You won’t sound stupid” she said determinedly. “Talk to me”.
“It’s just my insecurities coming through”.
“If you tell me about them, I can lay them to rest, draw a line under them. I don’t want you to feel insecure about anything babe”
I love her so much. How can someone be full of so much understanding and kindness in every single aspect?
“I just worry that when we finally... you know... do it, that it won’t be what you expected. I want you to enjoy it, but what if you don’t? What if you realise that being intimate with a woman like that isn't really what you like? You might regret everything, you might regret me, and you might even regret ending it with him” I revealed nervously, bringing my current worries to light.
She looked at me sadly, and I couldn't work out if it was because she didn't realise I was thinking like that, or for a completely different reason, but whatever it was I brushed it aside and waited for her response.
“Kimberley, you are all I want, all I've ever wanted. You are so special, so perfect. I know i'll enjoy it, because it’s with you, the one I love” she leant into me and placed a lingering, soft kiss against my lips.
“Let’s go to bed” she breathed on pulling away from our kiss.
I knew I wanted her, I've wanted her so emotionally, so intimately from the moment we shared our first kiss. I just wanted to make it as perfect as I could for her; maybe I was putting a pressure on myself that was completely unnecessary.
She stood up from the sofa, and held her hand out for me to take. I done so very tentatively, and stood up, she started walking ahead of me, still holding tightly onto my hand, leading me up the stairs to the bedroom.
**
She crashed back down onto the bed breathlessly, her chest was rising and falling heavily, I made my way up the bed, to lie back down next to her, she turned to face me, and her face was glowing, her smile grew to a size I don’t think I have ever seen before.
“That was amazing Kimberley. You were amazing!” she said in short stammers of breath, still smiling.
“If I had known it was going to be that good, I would have given in a long time ago” I laughed, propping myself up onto my elbow, so I was leaning over her just slightly. I slithered my arm across her stomach and stroked her waist with my thumb.
Making love to her had just confirmed everything. Every single part of her is perfect.
“I don’t know why you were worrying so much, babe” she shook her head in disbelief and put her hand on top of my arm that was lying across her stomach.
I didn’t answer her, I just looked over her beautiful face, I've never felt more in love with her than how I feel in this exact moment, and I know it’s the right time to say it. There is no doubt in my mind that what I feel for her is love, and I know that I will never feel this way about anyone else for the rest of my life.
“I love you Cheryl” I say it, and everything naturally falls into place. Everything in my head is suddenly clear.
She looked up at me and brought her hand to my face, cupping it softly. I questioned to myself whether I was imagining it or not, but I'm sure her eyes looked glazed by slow building tears.
“I love you too Kimberley” she smiled, and lifted herself up to kiss me; she then quickly brought me close to her in an embrace, burying her face into my shoulder.
Cheryl’s POV
“I love you Cheryl” she says it, and everything hits me like a tonne of bricks. My thoughts are confirmed, I'm in more of a mess than I ever have been. I should feel elated, but I feel saddened.
She shouldn't love me. She should hate me; just like I hate myself.
I looked up at her and the expected beauty just radiated from her, she had that natural frown adorning her face, and her pout was sitting there just like it always does, and I couldn't help but bring my hand to her face, cupping it softly.
I wish it wasn't happening like this; I want to be able to look back and smile when I remember the first time she told me she loved me; I wanted to store it away in a happy box. But it feels tainted; she’s finally opened up so completely and admitted her love for me, believing that this is it. Me and her. When in reality, it’s me and her, with Tre still somewhere in the background of it all.
I'm leading her on under false pretenses, but she’s so happy. I'm so happy too, but I know I'd be happier if this was legit, if I still wasn't with him behind her back. I can feel the emotion rising within me, and the sharp stab is daring to cut at my throat.
He has ruined everything.
“I love you too Kimberley” I said in reply, because it’s the truth, I love her and I always will, I lifted myself up to kiss her; then quickly brought her close to me, I needed to feel her close to me, I finally hid myself away so she couldn't see the forming tears and buried my face into her shoulder.
If my trip to LA had been as I had intended for it to be then I would have ended it with him, and Kimberley and I would be living as we had so hopefully planned. Theoretically I'm now cheating on two people. I'm a disgrace, and every day that passes, I can feel my heart aching more and more for the happiness Kimberley and I should equally be feeling. I've found out within the last few days that I'm obviously a very good actress.
I'm overcome by guilt and regret, because when I had the opportunity to end it with him, I didn't.
**
Cheryl and I had been together for just under three weeks since her arrival back from LA and we had just booked our first holiday together, we were flying out to Thailand in a week’s time, we were unbelievably excited, and I couldn't wait to experience a holiday with her as a couple, in a place where the chances of us getting recognised were at an almighty low. She had been very spontaneous and when I got home from an afternoon spent with Nadine a few days ago, she had set out a load of clues around my house for me to follow until I had found the two tickets. I was over the moon, and I could tell from the look on her face that she was satisfied with the way her surprise had turned out.
“What time are the girls over babe?” she asked when she had reached the bottom of her stairs. I was in her kitchen just tidying up the mess from the cupcakes I had made for the girls.
“Nadine and Nicola in about an hour, Sarah well, who knows, two, maybe three hours” I laughed as I replied, indicating that Sarah was well known for her ridiculously late arrivals to places.
“Ooo yummy” she said as she walked into the kitchen, she squeezed my bum, and then wrapped her arms around my waist from behind, “and I'm not talking about the cupcakes” she started giggling and kissed my neck, I leaned into her and started laughing.
“Cheeky”
“Can I try one?” she leaned around from behind me and reached for one of the cakes sitting on its decorated position on the plate.
I quickly tapped her hand away and laughed at her mischievous behaviour, “no, you can’t”, I turned around to face her and she had a sad pout formed on her face, portraying some huge puppy dog eyes in my direction.
“Don’t go giving me that look” I waved my finger in her face as if telling her off.
“Well if i can’t try a cake, I’ll do this instead” she smiled, and put her arms loosely around my neck, shuffling herself closer towards me, she lifted her head to kiss me. I wrapped my arms around her waist in response and squeezed her tighter into me. She pulled away softly, our lips detaching in the most delicate of ways.
“That’s better than any cake” she laughed and tapped my bum, before turning on her heel towards the cupboard to get some glasses and a bottle of wine.
**
“3, 2, 1 goooo!” shouted Sarah from her slouched position on Cheryl’s living room floor.
Cheryl, Nadine and myself had three shots lined up each and we had to drink them in a continuous flow without stopping, Sarah and Nicola enjoyed making up these random drinking games, so here I was with my hand held onto my first shot whilst knelt down in between Cheryl and Nadine at the coffee table. I failed massively and found myself coughing and spluttering all over the place after the second one, whereas Cheryl pulled it off amazingly and could have quite easily done another two after her third.
“I win” she shouted and raised her hand into the air holding tightly onto the shot glass.
“That was impressive Chez” Sarah laughed as she sat up and high fived her loudly.
“I am impressive, aren't I Kimba?” she slurred her words and turned to face me, raising an eyebrow and winking. I knew what she was hinting at. I tried laughing the whole thing off, knowing she was on her way to a major hangover the next morning. That didn't surprise me though; purely because Sarah had brought the contents of about 5 bars in London with her.
“Guess what?!” Cheryl shouted, she stood up and grabbed my hand to drag me up with her, she toppled slightly, and fortunately for her, I was there for her to fall into, she started laughing and brushed herself off.
“I love this girl” she waved her arm all over the place and let it drop around my shoulder. She leant over and placed a huge, drunken kiss on my cheek. Thankfully for us, the girls knew what Cheryl was like when it came to me, especially when she was drunk, so they just sat there laughing to themselves and necking more of their drinks.
“You’re so amazing Kimberley, I don’t deserve you” her slurring was getting progressively worse, and I was practically holding her whole body weight up against me.
“You’re drunk babe, shall we call it a night?” I said quickly, I needed to get her out of this room before she revealed something, she didn't have a clue what she was rambling on about. It only needed her to say one more thing, and the girls would stop drowning their bodies with alcohol and start questioning what she meant.
“Let’s get you to bed” I said, very innocently, with no hidden agenda.
“I want to take you to bed” she purred flirtatiously, although not loud enough for the girls to be able to hear.
What on earth did I say that for? I had to laugh to myself actually. This was quite funny.
I shook my head at her, laughing. “Come on you, you’ve had enough for one night” I wrapped my arm around her and supported her drunken frame as much as I could before taking her out of the room.
“Do you want some help?” I heard Nicola shout from the other room.
“No you’re alright, I couldn’t handle two drunks” I laughed and carried on walking towards the stairs.
**
I had just returned back from town and pulled up onto Cheryl’s driveway as we were off on our holiday tomorrow and I had needed to buy the last few things ready for us to finish the packing later that day. For the last few days, we had been talking non-stop about all the things we wanted to do out there, all the places we wanted to visit, we couldn't wait to go and get away from everything for a little while.
I had just let myself into the house, and walked through into the kitchen, dropping the weighty bags straight onto the work top. “I'm back babe” I called, expecting her to walk in from the living room.
She didn't.
“Cheryl?” I said as I walked into the remaining rooms of the downstairs. I walked back into the kitchen to see if she’d left a note saying she’d popped out.
She hadn't.
I smiled to myself, betting she had taken herself off up to bed, Cheryl would take every opportunity she could find to catch a bit of sleep. I started to walk up the stairs, when I reached the landing, I knocked on the toilet door first to make sure she wasn't in there.
She wasn't.
I shook my head, and chuckled to myself again, this girl was so lazy! She knew how much stuff needed sorting out ready for tomorrow. I couldn't get annoyed with her though, she was incapable of annoying me. I just found her too cute.
I walked up to the bedroom door, I pushed the handle down slowly, as not to wake her if she had taken herself off for a sleep. I had been away from her for two hours maximum and I already couldn't wait to see her again. She just completed every part of me, if she wasn't at my side, it felt like a part of me was missing.
This holiday was going to be amazing, I knew it.
I pushed the door open, and my eyes froze on the scene in front of me. It wasn't what I had expected to see, I had to be dreaming, please tell me I was dreaming. I couldn't do anything, I was rooted to the spot, I had my hand held tightly onto the door handle, and it wasn't until the breath I had been holding suddenly hitched in my throat loudly, that she noticed my presence in the door way. She pulled away from the snuggled embrace she had with him on the bed, and ripped her lips away from his, she pushed Tre away from her, and moved quicker than I ever thought was humanly possible. I didn't even close the door, I just found the strength within me from somewhere to turn away from them and run down the stairs.
“Kimberley, I can explain!” I heard her shout out desperately after me, as her footsteps rapidly followed me.
I fumbled with the front door to try and get the latch un-done as quickly as possible before she reached me, I didn’t want to see her, or hear her voice. It was like something from a horror, the quicker I tried to get away, the slower I felt like I was doing everything.
She grabbed my wrist, she had reached me.
“Kimberley, please!” she said it so frantically she sounded like she was in pain.
She wasn't feeling half the pain I was feeling.
I yanked my hand away from her grasp, and it actually hurt with the amount of force I had used to pull myself away from her, but I didn't care. I finally got the door open and ran out of it down towards my car.
“I love you!” she shouted so loudly, so hysterically, it was like she had nothing else left in her, as if she didn't care how many people heard it.
I couldn't bare to look at her.
I got in the car, sped away and finally, I cried.
