I Swear That I Can Hear You In the Wind - A Sequel

Track Three.

"Mommy?"

I glanced up from the book in my hand to see Lilly standing in the doorway. she played with her hair, her tan fingers sliding through the light brown waves, light reflecting off her brown eyes.

"What's up, baby girl?" I questioned, watching her feet pad across the floor before climbing into Vic's side of the bed. She chewed on her bottom lip, just as her dad always did when he was nervous or upset, and her little body seemed tense under her pajamas. "What's wrong?"

"Do you think daddy really loves us?" Her voice was so small, cracking as it made its way up her throat and out of her mouth. I was taken aback by her words and I wanted to break out in tears right there in that moment. But as a mom that wasn't really allowed.

"Lilly, what do you mean?" I replied, turning to face her, pulling her hand into mine. Her eyes turned up to meet mine, and the sadness that dwelled within them was enough to break my heart. "Why would you even think that he doesn't?"

She shrugged, continuing to gnaw on her lip. "Because he always leaves us. And it makes me sad but he still leaves."

Vic and I had always done our best to explain to Lilly about the band and why Vic has to leave for tour and what goes along with it. But there's really only so much that a five year old can comprehend. And as she has gotten older it's become more of a struggle for her to understand. Sometimes it was hard for me to understand, too.

"Lilly. " I paused. "I promise you that daddy loves you. He loves you so much, sweetie. He would do anything for you"

"Then why does he leave?!" Her voice was loud, almost at a yell, and it surprised me. "I ask him not to and he still does." It was then she started sobbing, her tiny frame crumpling into my lap, and I pulled her close to me, holding her tight. Moments like these, where I had to see my children in pain, were some of the hardest things I've ever had to endure. Worse than any of the things I experienced all those years ago.

Even worse than missing my husband.

"I know you don't understand, baby." Her sobs began to turn to whimpers, and I stroked her hair with my hand, feeling her breathing begin to even out. "But he loves you. More than you will ever know."

Lilly eventually fell asleep, and I turned the light out, keeping her tight within my grasp as I tried to drift off to sleep.

My mind swirled with thoughts and emotions as I allowed my body to be overcome, my chest shaking as soft sobs flowed from within. I tried to always put on a brave face and be strong, for the kids, for Vic. But as the years went by it became harder and harder to be the one that held this family together. It was beginning to take a toll on me, and I could feel my insides becoming weaker and weaker.

After what felt like hours I allowed myself to drift to sleep, dreaming of what it might be like to have a different life.

-------

Life continued on as normal, the kids and I adjusting once again to not having Vic around. We fell into a steady routine, squeezing in calls with daddy at night before bed. Lilly and I hadn't really talked about what she said that night in my room; it was almost like it never happened, and like always she had welcomed Vic back into her good graces as if nothing had happened.

But to me it had happened.

A five year old should never have to question whether they are loved, and that was weighing heavily on me.

I hadn't mentioned it to Vic, though a big part of me felt that I should. He should know how his absence impacts his family. But at the same time it would only bring upon a heavier burden, knowing that his reaction would not be well received by either of us.

A knock at the door interrupted my thoughts, and Lilly jumped from her place on the floor and rushed to greet our visitor, knowing just who was on the other side.

"Uncle Austin!" She yelled, her voice echoing throughout the foyer and into the living room. I caught of glimpse of her throwing herself into his arms as I rounded the corner, a smile coating my lips. He wrapped his inked arms around her, lifting her over his head and eliciting loud laughter from her mouth. Noah rested on my hip and he clapped excitedly as he saw Austin step inside our home.

"Hi buddy!" Austin's voice was filled with excitement and he ran his fingers over Noah's belly, making him giggle repeatedly. "Hi Lyle," he said finally, enveloping me in a hug. I held on to him tightly, savoring the moment, my face buried in his chest. His scent was so familiar, burned within my memory forever, and it made me feel so secure. I was glad to have him here but I couldn't help but wish that it was husbands arms who were making me feel safe.