Secrets // N.M

Chapter Three

*Nate's POV*

It's 3am. Again. I'm seeing this time way too often lately and I know it's not good for me to get barely any sleep but it's not the easiest thing to do when there's so much on my mind. I went to see Danyelle earlier today, or should I say yesterday, and everything I found out made this whole thing that much worse. I need to tell Lucy, I know I need to tell her and it's taking everything in me not to wake her right now and just get it out but she looks to peaceful and I don't want to be the one to ruin that. I wish I could wait till after the wedding, I wish I didn't have to put any extra pressure on her beforehand because she doesn't deserve that and oh my god, I want her to be as happy as she possibly can on the day but it would be wrong for me to marry her without being completely honest and even without that issue, I don't have long before Danyelle leaves again, taking my daughter with her. This is all so fucking confusing and I haven't felt this suffocated before in my whole life. I can't lose Lucy, I love her more than anything and I just hope she's as supportive of this as she has been with every other aspect of my life.

I'm not going to sleep tonight, I've faced that fact already, at least not with my mind racing like this. I need to relax. And so I swing my legs out of the bed, trying my best to stay quiet so I don't wake Lucy and I don't even bother putting any clothes on over just the underwear I'm wearing before I make my way out of the bedroom. I head to my studio, the only place in this house I actually feel comfortable in on nights like these because I don't feel as alone there, I don't know why but being there has always calmed me down. Once I'm there, I sit down and rest my face in my hands, unable to hold back a huge yawn but no matter how tired I am, I'm not going to be able to sleep with my mind racing this much.

I'm just about to reach into the drawer next to me to pull out my weed and maybe roll a joint because I don't do that too often anymore but I could really use it right about now but I'm stopped by the feeling of arms wrapping around me from behind and I automatically lean backwards as Lucy kneels and rests her chin on my shoulder. "I didn't mean to wake you." I speak softly, tilting my head to the side to rest it against hers and I can already feel myself start to calm down from just her presence. Until I remember exactly why it is I'm on the verge of a panic attack in the middle of the night and the nerves are back, my heart beating 10 times its normal rate again and I have no idea how much longer I'm going to be able to keep this up. "I've just got a lot of shit on my mind and I couldn't sleep, I tried to be quiet but yeah, I'm sorry. You should go back to bed."

Lucy kisses my bare shoulder softly before taking her arms off of me and spinning my chair around so I'm facing her now. "I wasn't asleep; I can't sleep when I know you're awake." She shrugs, her hands automatically moving to grab my own and she starts mindlessly playing with my fingers in that way she always does. "What's going on with you? Is it the wedding or something?" She asks and she doesn't sound as though she's upset or anything, she's just concerned and that makes me feel even worse. All I can do is shake my head, completely paralysed with worry as I consider the fact that maybe this is my only opportunity to come clean and if I don't take it, it's only gonna have bad repercussions later on. "Then tell me what's wrong, baby. I hate that I can't help you, let me help." I feel pain through my heart at her words and I know I have to tell her; I have to just get this over with – she's going to find out sooner or later.

"I, uh, I bumped into an old friend the other day." I start out and she's watching me intently, raising her eyebrows to tell me to elaborate and I nod quickly before swallowing deeply, clearing my throat before I can bring myself to speak again. "I haven't seen her in years and we caught up, it was really nice actually and I told her all about you." The look on Lucy's face is one of pure confusion as though she can't understand why I'm so fucking stressed over catching up with an old friend. "You remember Danyelle? That's who it was." A look of shock appears on her face, not because I was with her but because none of us ever thought she'd come back given how suddenly she left. I let out a brief laugh at her reaction, "I know, I felt the same." I say in reference to her facial expression.

"I still don't get it though. You said it was nice, why are you so... so shook up about it?" And I wish I didn't have to tell her the truth. In a moment like this, I wish I could say something dumb like we kissed because even that would be easier to say than this. I wouldn't do that though, never in a million years would I do something like that and Lucy knows it. But honestly, I wouldn't want to. I always thought bumping into Danyelle again would bring back old feelings and yeah, I guess I sort of felt nostalgic about the past but that's it – nothing more, nothing less.

"Luce, she told me why she left. She- she told me everything and I'm so fucking scared by it all, I don't know what I'm supposed to do." I'm rambling, I know I'm rambling because I always do this whenever I can't arrange my thoughts but Lucy knows that and she sort of just lets me get it out, I always admire how patient she is with me at times like these because I know for a fact if I were in her position I'd just tell me to get over myself. "Please don't be mad, promise you won't be mad."

"Why would I be mad? You didn't do anything with her, did you?" She asks but I know from the tone of voice that she doesn't think that's the case, she trusts me and honestly, I've never considered giving her a reason not to. I shake my head straight away, licking my lips as I try to figure out a way to word what I have to say. "Well then, I have no reason to be mad. Just tell me what it is, babe, and we can-"

"I've got a daughter." The words leave my mouth as soon as I think them and all I can do is squeeze my eyes shut because I can bring myself to look at her right now. My hand drops from her grasp and I feel my heart sink because she hates me, she must do. Eventually, I open my eyes and those words are still hovering in the air as she stares back at me in shock. "I didn't know about her before she got here I swear. That's why she left, she didn't want me to know about the kid. So she just fucking packed up and left. But honestly, I had no idea." And she doesn't reply straight away so I start to feel the panic rise up inside me again as though I can't breathe and fuck, why won't she just say something.

"You have a daughter." That's it. Those are the first words that leave her lips as she stares back at me. She looks scared, really fucking scared and I wonder what it is that could possibly be making her feel that way because surely she can't be as terrified as I am by this whole thing. "Ok. I-I mean, this is such a shock, I don't know what to say. What the fuck do I say to that?" She asks with a small laugh that doesn't necessarily means she finds this funny, more like she can't believe what's going on here. "Um, what's she called? Have you even met her?"

"She's called Aria." I tell her and Lucy's hand is holding mine once more which provides me with a little comfort because she doesn't hate me, she was just shocked and I'm so glad she's not pushing me away. I've never met someone so understanding in my life. "Um, I've met her twice now actually. I was going to tell you earlier but I didn't want to make you more stressed out than you already are and I still feel really fucking bad about it. But I want you to meet her. If that's okay with you? You don't have to."

"Of course I have to you idiot." Lucy laughs and it's small but genuine this time. "And I want to meet her, just because she's not mine doesn't mean I'm not going to support you or her." I know she can't be all to happy about this whole thing, no one in their right mind would be okay with this especially a few weeks before their wedding but also I know she wouldn't say that stuff to me right now when I've barely slept all week and potentially on the verge of a breakdown. Perhaps when I've had more rest she'll be more direct about this. "Now, come back to bed. Everything's out in the open now so you've nothing to worry about, just get some sleep." I nod as I stand up, my hand still gripping hers as we make our way back to bed. Except it's not all out in the open, I still have to find some way to stay in contact with Aria and right now, that seems impossible.