Kiss or Kill

Part 07

Richard's POV

I walk over to Schneider and whisper in his ear, softly and hopefully enticeingly, "Maybe it's time to go home." He nods imperceptibly and starts acting a lot more drunk than he was- an excuse to get home early, I imagine. I turn to the others. "Guys, looks like Schneider's a little too drunk. I'm going to help him back to his room."

I walk Christoph outside to the car Olli secretly rented for me this morning, we get in and I drive off. He keeps on going on and on about our new relationship, how great it's going to be, how much he wants me. Eventually he realises that we haven't gone to another hotel or something so we can be alone, as he probably thought at first, we've driven out past the borders of the town into the countryside. He falls silent and just gazes adoringly at me. As we drive along a stretch of road along the side of a steep hill, I think it finally dawns on him that something's not right.

"Reesh.. w-why... why're we here? Are we lost?"

I stop the car and turn off the lights. I lean in close to him, sniff his familiar scent, and say in as even a voice as I can manage, "This is from Olli," kiss him on the cheek and - ohgodsomeonestopme - open the door, undo his seatbelt and push him out of the door. I drive off so I don't have to hear the sounds of his screaming as he falls down the hill.

I can't think straight. I keep on getting flashbacks from over the years - laughing with each other, jam sessions, the live shows. They are invading my brain and I can't shake them off. I stop the car again, not too long after I drove off. I pick up Schneider's jacket which he threw underneath the passenger seat, and crush it to my face as I lean against the wheel of the car and sob. What have I done?

What have I fucking done?

There's no way he could get back up the hill when he's drunk. The night is so cold and he doesn't have a jacket. He'll have hurt his legs or ankles and won't be able to walk. He'll be out in the freezing cold, all night, whilst injured. He'll die. And I killed him. I made it happen. I wish I could turn back time, and instead of agreeing to do what Olli said, I wish I'd walked into the room with Paul and Schneider and told them. They would have helped me out. I know they would've. Then I might not have gotten Paul but my friend Christoph wouldn't be dead. Dead. Or dying. Right now, I know there's no turning back, it's done, and I hate myself for it.

Light fills the car, and I look up, tears streaming down my face and dripping onto Christoph's jacket.

They're headlights.

Noise.

Darkness.

Silence.

Week or so later, Richard's POV.

My soul is floating in a black abyss, filled with remorse for my actions and a desperate, futile desire to atone for them. This place, wherever it is, is so peaceful, but filled with such sorrow that if I could cry I would. I want to call out Schneider's name, to apologize, to beg for forgiveness but I can't. I'm stuck here. Here in a place where time passes by without you knowing.

For the first time in what could be minutes or years I feel... something. I don't know what it is but it's something. I feel like I'm being pulled back, back into the world I left. I don't want to. It hurts. I want to stay here and try to find my friend. But the feeling, rather the person who's causing the feeling, is persistent. I'm drawn back to my body on earth with with a bang.

I ache. I hurt. My eyes are drawn tightly shut. I can hear blurry noises of a busy hospital. As I come closer to conciousness, I hear voices.

"I think he's going to wake up." That's.. Flake. Yes, it's Flake. "Richard? Can you hear me?"