Undercover: A Romance

Chapter Seventeen

For once I was unsure of myself. I didn't know how to approach the situation of Mr. Matthews. I was afraid. He could easily reject me when he finds out that the person he thought he knew, the person he has claimed to fall in love with, was a lie. Not entirely a lie, but enough so to make it hard for him to believe a word I say.

I could leave him in the dark. We could begin a relationship, fall in love, get married, and have kids. All of that without him ever knowing who I really am. But then I would have to explain the late nights and extended vacations away from my family. Then there would always be the risk that someone could find out who I am and kill my family. They'd never see it coming.

I could tell him everything. I could start a relationship with him and we could could fall in love. But there's always the possibility that we won't work out. He could become bitter and angry towards me and, if ever presented the chance, could tell one of my enemies who I am. He could blow my cover in a fit of rage without thinking twice.

I sighed and laid my head back against the couch in my apartment. I weighed the pros and cons of telling him the truth. It had been two days since Amanda had been arrested and I still couldn't find the courage to go face Mr. Matthews. I wanted to yell the truth at him while professing my love all in the same breath.

I was absolutely certain that what I felt for him was love. Beyond a doubt I knew it was. In a short amount of time he managed to awaken feelings in my heart that had lain dormat for twenty four years. Even after that the feelings only blossomed into love. I could clearly see that he cared deeply for me. It was written all over his face.

"You'll know it when you see it." My mother's words came back to me, echoing through my mind. I knew what I felt for him was love. There was no running from these feelings. But I knew I would never build a relationship with him based on lies. I sighed, getting up from the couch. I knew what I had to do and I knew it wasn't going to be easy.

It was cold Sunday evening and I knew where Mr. Matthews lived. As luck would have it, he lived about a mile and a half from my apartment building in a two story, white house. I put on a pair of jeans, a black t-shirt and slipped on my black hoodie pulled on my converse. I locked the door on my way out and started the walk to his house.

I didn't want to call Dan to come and get me. He would ask questions that I wasn't ready to answer. Walking gave me the opportunity to think of how I was going to tell him, even if it was freezing outside. It was inevitable that he was going to be mad. I didn't know how I was going to convince him that the only thing I lied about was my name, age, and occupation.

I had to tell him everything. If I wanted to be with him, he had to know every one of my dirty little secrets. If I had to, I would give him a list of every person I have shot, stabbed, seduced, lied to, everything. After today, there would be no more secrets between us. That is, if he lets me stay long enough to tell him everything.

I sighed and kicked a rock out of my way. I had absolutely no experience when it came to feelings or telling someone how you feel. I had a pretty good idea on how to do it, but I knew that the things I've seen on T.V. probably wouldn't help me in this situation. I love him. Beyond a doubt in this world I do. I would do everything in my power to keep him. But if he hated me after this, there isn't a thing I'll be able to do.

I tear fell down my face. It was a frightening feeling. The thought of losing something that has embedded itself in you. The thought of losing that light feeing that falling in love brought was enough to make me want to crawl up in a ball and cry. I didn't want him to leave me alone. I knew in that moment that I had to tell him the truth and make him believe that none of what I feel for him is a lie. I had to make him see the love I carry for him.

I sped up my walking with a new determination flowing through my body. I wanted nothing more than to be on his doorstep begging him to forgive me and return my love. After about five minutes of walking, his house came into view. I slowed my pace a little to catch my breath before I walked up the stone path to his front door. I stared at it for a minute preparing myself for the events to come. I raised my hand and knocked on the door.

A couple of seconds passed before I heard footsteps coming towards the door. My heart sped up to a dangerous pace until I was sure it was in my throat. The door swung open and Mr. Matthews stood me front of me looking very surprised.

"Nikki." He let out a breath, a cloud forming in front of his face. His shocked expression turned into a warm one as he hesitantly stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me. "Where have you been?" He asked pulling back to look at me. The feeling that my heart was in my throat prevented me from speaking. He smiled down at me and leaned forward, pressing his lips to mine. My body instantly responded. I moved closer to him, spreading my fingers out on his chest.

He smiled and let go of me. "Come on. Let's go inside. It's freezing out here." I nodded and followed him inside and into his living room. We sat down side by side on the couch facing each other. I took a deep breath and turned to face him.

"I need to tell you some things. But I need you to promise me that you will keep an open mind and try to put yourself in my shoes." I said, pleading with my eyes for him to give in to my request.

He nodded. "I can do that. I promise, cross my heart." He smiled slightly, using his index finger to make a crossing motion over his heart. 

I took a deep breath and began. "My name isn't really Nikki Cook." I started. The small smile that once grazed his face disappeared instantly and I flinched involuntarily.

"What?" He asked, a look of confusion coming onto his face.

I swallowed the lump that had risen in my throat. "My name isn't Nikki Cook. My real name is Ariabella Smith." I said watching him carefully. I didn't want him to hate me. I wanted desperately for him to understand, but I knew that would be asking to much of him.

"You...lied? How is that possible? You're school records..." He trailed off. "They were fake. Please bare with me. I really need you to hear me out. I will tell you everything, just please hear me out." I begged. I could feel the tears forming in my eyes. I was afraid of what he was thinking at the moment.

He shook his head. "Why?" He asked in disbelief. I knew he was mad. "Because I want to tell you the truth. If nothing else please let me explain."

He shook his head again. "Do you even deserve the time for an explanation? Nikki, Ariabella, whoever you are! You lied to me!" I bowed my head knowing what was going to happen next. I at least had to try to get him to hear me out.

"Blake. Please listen to me. Let m-" He cut me off. "I don't know if I should. I just...you need to leave now." I looked up into his eyes and realized that he was more hurt than mad. I nodded slightly, my jaw clenching to keep the tears from pouring down my face.

"Okay." I said softly. I walked to the doorway of the living room leading out into the hallway and turned around to look at him. "You know, not everything was a lie. All those conversations, the day you kissed me. They were all true. I love you. More than you know." I paused for a second more before turning and walking out of his house.

The walk home was longer and colder than the trip to his house. I wasn't going to cry in the middle of the sidewalk. I was better than that. I made it home thirty minutes later and went to my room. I took off my clothes and walked into the bathroom to take a hot shower.

For a solid two hours I sat underneath the water thinking and crying. My thoughts revolved around Blake Matthews. The one man that was able to make me fall in love with him. The man who I enjoyed having an actual conversation with that didn't lead to sex. He wasn't a job for me. He was the only man that I had gotten close to and wasn't told to do so in the first place. He was also the first man to make me cry.

I cried because I knew where my own idiocy would lead me. It lead me to be curled up in a ball on the floor of my shower sobbing uncontrollably. I knew when I began to pursue my feelings for him that it couldn't possibly be as easy as to walk off into the sunset hand in hand. Nothing is life is that easy. Especially not for an Undercover agent.