breakup

Part 08: The knife

RICHARD'S POV

When I opened my eyes, I didn't know for sure where exactly I was. A brief, lazy look around made everything back to my memory. I was still lying on a bed. I could see a canulla inserted in a vein in my forearm that was connected to a long sterile tube and a hanging plastic bag with some fluid in it. I felt blunt pain in my back and my cuts were stinging – when I glanced at the wounds on my hands and arms I saw they were covered with bandages.

Very slowly, I started to remember what exactly had happened; after the vehicle was extricated and Paul was finally pulled out of it, we were rapidly transported to the emergency department in the nearest Berlin hospital where we were lying now. As I could see before I lost my conscious, Paul had been in a critical condition and the doctors had been in a big hurry around him. I couldn't stand it, I was freaking out and couldn't calm down in any way so the nurses were finally forced to inject the sedative in my vein.

Very carefully, feeling strong throbbing and dizziness in my head, I slowly managed to lift myself and sit on the bed. Then pulled the curtain that was stretched between my and Paul's bed. It was empty.

Fuck. Before I fell asleep, Paul was lying there, right next to me! Damn, how much time was I unconscious?

Again feeling ice-cold panic in my chest, I tried to set myself free in haste but I didn't know how to remove the cannula from the fucking tube so I just roughly pulled it out of my forearm. Then I stand on my feet at last and, desperately trying to come round from effects of medications I'd been given, approached the nearest nurse with careful, unsteady steps.

"What have you done?!" the nurse shouted before I managed to ask her anything, astonishingly looking at me and my bleeding forearm. "Come here", she ordered and I obeyed her, fearing she would sedate me again if I show any resistance to her. "Where is Paul Landers?" I asked her while she was putting gauze over my needle wound. "He was lying next to me and now he isn't there anymore. W-what..." I took a deep breath, feeling lump in my throat. "What happened to him?"

"Herr Landers is transferred to the intensive care unit", the nurse replied. "And you should get back to your bed instantly. We're still waiting laboratory tests of your blood and..."

"It doesn't matter, I really need to go..." I said anxiously, feeling terrible need to see Paul and make sure he was alright. "Where are you going?!" the nurse called after me as I was heading towards the exit. "We need to make some additional tests until we convince ourselves that you're alright!"

"No need for that, I'm just fine", I uttered in hurry and rushed out of the emergency department before she could do anything. Scheisse. Where the fuck is the intensive care unit? I really needed a smoke. Desperately. I found the box in my jacket pocket and took it out. My hands were trembling hard while I was dragging a cigarette and trying to light it. In fact my whole body was shivering hard when I finally managed to find the right place and see familiar people standing there. I didn't know whether I felt relief or something more like guilt, shame, fear...?

"Dad!!"

Khira immediately rushed toward me and embraced me in a tight hug. Still trembling, I slowly embraced my arms around my daughter and gently kissed her temple, watching over her shoulders my bandmates approaching me too. "I was so worried about you", she said, almost crying. "I'm fine, sweetheart", I whispered in my daughter's ear, soothingly caressing her hair, desperately hoping I sounded that much peacefully I thought I was. "I'm fine."

Are you sure, I saw Till's eyes were saying, you look like a shit. But he didn't say anything of that aloud, compassionately looking at my daughter. "I'm glad you're alright", he said instead and placed his hand on my shoulder. I let go Khira only to avoid her glance for a moment and gratefully hugged the singer, feeling stings of incoming tears in my frightened eyes.