Demian by Hermann Hesse

Chapter 2: Cain

My salvation came from a totally unexpected source, which, at the same time, brought a new element into mylife that has affected it to this very day.     A new boy had just been enrolled in our school. He was the son of awell-to-do widow who had come to live in our town; he wore a mourning band on his sleeve. Being severalyears older than I, he was assigned to a grade above me. Still, I could not avoid noticing him, nor couldanyone else. This remarkable student seemed much older than he looked; in fact, he did not strike anyone as aboy at all. In contrast to us, he seemed strange and mature, like a man, or rather like a gentleman. He was notpopular, did not take part in our games, still less in the general roughhouse, and only his firm, self-confidenttone toward the teachers won the admiration of the students. He was called Max Demian.     One day--ashappened now and again--an additional class was assigned to our large classroom for some reason or other. Itwas Demian's class. We, the younger ones, were having a Scripture lesson; the higher grade had to write anessay. While the story of Cain and Abel was being drummed into us, I kept glancing toward Demian whoseface held a peculiar fascination for me, and I observed the intelligent, light, unusually resolute face bentattentively and diligently over his work; he didn't at all look like a student doing an assignment, but rather likea scientist investigating a problem of his own. I couldn't say that he made a favorable impression on me; onthe contrary, I had something against him: he seemed too superior and detached, his manner too provocativelyconfident, and his eyes gave him an adult expression--which children never like--faintly sad, with flashes ofsarcasm. Yet I could not help looking at him, no matter whether I liked or detested him, but if he happened toglance my way I averted my eyes in panic. When I think back on it today, and what he looked like as a studentat that time, I can only say that he was in every respect different from all the others, was entirely himself, witha personality all his own which made him noticeable even though he did his best not to be noticed; his mannerand bearing was that of a prince disguised among farm boys, taking great pains to appear one of them.     He waswalking behind me on the way home from school, and after the others had turned off he caught up with meand said hello. Even his manner of greeting, though he tried to imitate our schoolboy tone, was distinctly adultand polite.     "Shall we walk together for a while?" he asked. I felt flattered and nodded. Then I described tohim where I lived.     "Oh, over there?" he said and smiled. "I know the house. There's something odd above thedoorway--it interested me at once. "     I didn't know offhand what he meant and was astonished that heapparently knew our house better than I did myself. The keystone of the arch above the doorway bore nodoubt a kind of coat of arms but it had worn off with time and had frequently been painted over. As far as Iknew it had nothing to do with us and our family.     "I don't know anything about it, " I said shyly. "It's a bird orsomething like that and must be quite old. The house is supposed to have been part of the monastery at onepoint. "     "That's quite possible. " He nodded. "Take a good look at it sometime! Such tilings can be quiteinteresting. I believe it's a sparrow hawk. "     We walked on. I felt very self-conscious. Suddenly Demianlaughed as though something had struck him as funny.     "Yes, when we had class together, " he burst out. "Thestory of Cain who has that mark on his forehead. Do you like it?"     No, I didn't. It was rare for me to likeanything we had to learn. Yet I didn't dare confess it, for I felt I was being addressed by an adult. I said I didn'tmuch mind the story Demian slapped me on the back.     "You don't have to put on an act for me. But in fact thestory is quite remarkable. It's far more remarkable than most stories we're taught in school. Your teacher didn'tgo into it at great lengths. He just mentioned the usual things about God and sin and so forth. But I believe --"He interrupted himself and asked with a smile: "Does this interest you at all?"     "Well, I think, " he went on,"one can give this story about Cain quite a different interpretation. Most of the things we're taught I'm sure arequite right and true, but one can view all of them from quite a different angle than the teachers do--and most ofthe time they then make better sense. For instance, one can't be quite satisfied with this Cain and the mark onhis forehead, with the way it's explained to us. Don't you agree? It's perfectly possible for someone to kill hisbrother with a stone and to panic and repent. But that he's awarded a special decoration for his cowardice, amark that protects him and puts the fear of God into all the others, that's quite odd, isn't it?"     "Of course, " Isaid with interest: the idea began to fascinate me. "But what other way of interpreting the story is there?"     Heslapped me on the shoulder.     "It's quite simple! The first element of the story, its actual beginning, was themark. Here was a man with something in his face that frightened the others. They didn't dare lay hands onhim; he impressed them, he and his children. We can guess--no, we can be quite certain--that it was not a markon his forehead like a postmark--life is hardly ever as clear and straightforward as that. It is much more likelythat he struck people as faintly sinister, perhaps a little more intellect and boldness in his look than peoplewere used to. This man was powerful: you would approach him only with awe. He had a 'sign. ' You couldexplain this any way you wished. And people always want what is agreeable to them and puts them in theright. They were afraid of Cain's children: they bore a 'sign. ' So they did not interpret the sign for what itwas--a mark of distinction--but as its opposite. They said: 'Those fellows with the sign, they're a strangelot'--and indeed they were. People with courage and character always seem sinister to the rest. It was a scandalthat a breed of fearless and sinister people ran about freely, so they attached a nickname and myth to thesepeople to get even with them, to make up for the many times they had felt afraid--do you get it?"     "Yes--thatis--in that case Cam wouldn't have been evil at all? And the whole story in the Bible is actually not authentic?"    "Yes and no. Such age-old stories are always true but they aren't always properly recorded and aren't alwaysgiven correct interpretations. In short, I mean Cain was a fine fellow and this story was pinned on him onlybecause people were afraid. The story was simply a rumor, something that people gab about, and it was true inso far as Cain and his children really bore a kind of mark and were different from most people. "     I wasastounded.     "And do you believe that the business about killing his brother isn't true either?" I asked,entranced.     "Oh, that's certainly true. The strong man slew a weaker one. It's doubtful whether it was really hisbrother, But it isn't important. Ultimately all men are brothers. So, a strong man slew a weaker one: perhaps itwas a truly valiant act, perhaps it wasn't. At any rate, all the other weaker ones were afraid of him from thenon, they complained bitterly and if you asked them: 'Why don't you turn around and slay him, too?' they didnot reply 'Because we're cowards, ' but rather 'You can't, he has a sign. God has marked him. ' The fraud musthave originated some way like that. --Oh well, I see I'm keeping you. So long then. "     He turned into theAltgasse and left me standing there, more baffled than I had ever been in my life. Yet, almost as soon as hehad gone, everything he had said seemed incredible. Cain a noble person, Abel a coward! Cain's mark a markof distinction! It was absurd, it was blasphemous and evil. How did God fit in in that case? Hadn't He acceptedthe sacrifice of Abel? Didn't He love Abel? No, what Demian had said was completely crazy. And I suspectedthat he had wanted to make fun of me and make me lose my footing. He was clever all right, and he could talk,but he couldn't put that one over, not on me!     I had never before given as much thought to a biblical story or toany other story. And for a long time I had not forgotten Franz Kromer as completely; for hours, for a wholeevening in fact. At home I read the story once more as written in the Bible. It was brief and unambiguous; itwas quite mad to look for a special, hidden meaning. At that rate every murderer could declare that he wasGod's darling! No, what Demian had said was nonsense. What pleased me was the ease and grace with whichhe was able to say such things, as though everything were self-evident; and then the look in his eyes!    Something was very wrong with me, though; my life was in very great disorder. I had lived in a wholesomeand clean world, had been a kind of Abel myself, and now I was stuck deeply in the "other world, " had fallenand sunk very low--yet it hadn't basically been my fault! How was I to consider that? And now a memoryflashed within me that for a moment almost left me breathless. On that fatal evening when my misery hadbegun, there had been that matter with my father. There, for a moment, I had seen through him and his worldof light and wisdom and had felt nothing but contempt for it. Yes, at that moment I, who was Cain and borethe mark, had imagined that this sign was not a mark of shame and that because of my evil and misfortune Istood higher than my father and the pious, the righteous.     I had not experienced the moment in this form, inclearly expressed thoughts, but all of this had been contained within it; it had been the eruption of emotions, ofstrange stirrings, that hurt me yet filled me with pride at the same time.     When I considered how strangelyDemian had talked about the fearless and the cowardly, what an unusual meaning he had given the mark Cainbore on his forehead, how his eyes, his remarkable adult eyes had lit up, the question flashed through my mindwhether Demian himself was not a kind of Cain. Why does he defend Cain unless he feels an affinity withhim? Why does he have such a powerful gaze? Why does he speak so contemptuously of the "others, " of thetimid who actually are the pious, the chosen ones of the Lord?     I could not bring these thoughts to anyconclusion. A stone had been dropped into the well, the well was my youthful soul. And for a very long timethis matter of Cain, the fratricide, and the "mark" formed the point of departure for all my attempts atcomprehension, my doubts and my criticism.     I noticed that Demian exerted equal fascination over the otherstudents. I hadn't told anyone about his version of the story of Cain, but the others seemed to be interested inhim, too. At any rate, many rumors were in circulation about the "new boy. " If I could only remember themall now, each one would throw some light on him and could be interpreted. I remember first that Demian'smother was reported to be wealthy and also, supposedly, neither she nor her son ever attended church. Onestory had it that they were Jewish but they might equally well have been secret Mohammedans. Then therewas Max Demian's legendary physical prowess. But this could be corroborated: when the strongest boy inDemian's class had taunted him, calling him a coward when he refused to fight back, Demian had humiliatedhim. Those who were present told that Demian had grasped the boy with one hand by the neck and squeezeduntil the boy went pale; afterwards, the boy had slunk away and had not been able to use his arm for a wholeweek. One evening some boys even claimed that he was dead. For a time everything, even the mostextravagant assertions were believed. Then everyone seemed to have had their fill of Demian for a while,though not much later gossip again flourished: some boys reported that Demian was intimate with girls andthat he "knew everything. "     Meanwhile, my business with Kromer took its inevitable course. I couldn't escapehim, for even when he left me alone for days I was still bound to him. He haunted my dreams and what hefailed to perpetrate on me in real life, my imagination let him do to me in those dreams in which I wascompletely his slave. I have always been a great dreamer; in dreams I am more active than in my real life, andthese shadows sapped me of health and energy. A recurring nightmare was that Kromer always maltreated me,spit and knelt on me and, what was worse, led me on to commit the most horrible crimes--or, rather, not somuch led me on as compelled me through sheer force of persuasion. The worst of these dreams, from which Iawoke half-mad, had to do with a murderous assault on my father. Kromer whetted a knife, put it in my hand;we stood behind some trees in an avenue and lay in wait for someone, I did not know whom. Yet when thissomeone approached and Kromer pinched my arm to let me know that this was the person I was to stab--it wasmy father. Then I would awake.     Although I still drew a connection between these events and the story of Cainand Abel, I gave little thought to Max Demian. When he first approached me again, it was, oddly enough, alsoin a dream. For I was still dreaming of being tortured. Yet this time it was Demian who knelt on me. And--thiswas totally new and left a deep impression on me--everything I had resisted and that had been agony to mewhen Kromer was my tormentor I suffered gladly at Demian's hands, with a feeling compounded as much ofecstasy as of fear. I had this dream twice. Then Kromer regained his old place.     For years I have been unableto distinguish between what I experienced in these dreams and in real life. In any event, the bad relationshipwith Kromer continued and by no means came to an end after I had finally paid my debt out of any number ofpetty thefts. No, for now he knew of these new thefts since he asked each time where I had gotten the money,and I was more in bondage to him than ever. Often he threatened to tell everything to my father but even thenmy fear was hardly as great as my profound regret at not having done so myself at the very beginning. In themeantime, miserable though I was, I did not regret everything that happened, at least not all the time, andoccasionally I even felt that everything had had to happen as it did. I was in the hands of fate and it wasuseless to try to escape.     Presumably, my parents also were distressed by the state I was in. A strange spirit hadtaken hold of me, I no longer fitted into our community, once so intimate; yet often a wild longing came overme to return to it as to a lost paradise. My mother in particular treated me more like an invalid than ascoundrel, but my true status within the family I was better able to judge from my sisters' attitude. Theirs wasone of extreme indulgence, which made it plain that I was considered a kind of madman, more to be pitied forhis condition than blamed, but possessed by the devil nonetheless. They prayed for me with unusual fervorand I was infinitely miserable when I realized the futility of these prayers. Often I felt a burning need forrelief, for genuine confession, and yet sensed in advance that I would be unable to tell my mother or father,and explain everything properly. I knew that everything I said would be accepted sympathetically, that theywould, yes, even feel sorry for me, but that they would not understand, that the whole thing would be regardedas a momentary aberration, whereas in truth it was my fate.     I realize that some people will not believe that achild of little more than ten years is capable of having such feelings. My story is not intended for them. I amtelling it to those who have a better knowledge of man. The adult who has learned to translate a part of hisfeelings into thoughts notices the absence of these thoughts in a child, and therefore comes to believe that thechild lacks these experiences, too. Yet rarely in my life have I felt and suffered as deeply as at that time.     Oneday it rained. Kromer had ordered me to meet him at the Burgplatz, and there I stood and waited, shufflingamong the wet chestnut leaves that were still falling from the black wet trees. I had no money with me but Ihad managed to put aside two pieces of cake and had brought them along so as to be able to give Kromersomething at least. By now I was used to standing in some corner and waiting for him, often for a very longtime, and I accepted it the same way one learns to put up with the inevitable. Kromer showed up finally. Hedidn't stay long. He poked me in the ribs a few times, laughed, took the cake, even offered me a dampcigarette (which, however, I did not accept), and was friendlier than usual.     "Yes, " he said nonchalantly beforegoing away, "before I forget it, you might bring your sister along the next time, the older one, what's her name."     I failed to get his point and made no reply. I only looked at him, surprised.     "Don't you understand? You'reto bring your sister. "     "No, Kromer, that's impossible. I wouldn't be allowed to and she wouldn't come in anycase. "     I was prepared for this new ruse or pretext of his. He did this often: demanded something impossible,frightened and humiliated me, then gradually offered some bargain as a way out, and I had to buy myself offwith some money or a gift.     This time, however, it was altogether different. My refusal did not seem to makehim angry at all.     "Well, anyway, " he said in a matter-of-fact tone, "think it over. I'd like to meet your sister.We'll find a way one of these days. You could simply take her along on a walk and then I could join you. I'llgive you a whistle tomorrow, then we can talk about it some more. "     After he had left, something of thenature of his request suddenly dawned on me. I was still quite ignorant in these matters but I knew fromhearsay that boys and girls when they grew older were able to do certain mysterious, repulsive, forbiddenthings together. And now I was supposed to--it suddenly flashed on me how monstrous his request was! Iknew at once that I would never do it. But what would happen then? What revenge would Kromer take on me?I didn't dare think of it. This was the beginning of a new torture for me.     Inconsolable, I walked across thedesolate square, hands in my pockets. Further and greater agonies awaited me!     Suddenly a vigorous cheerfulvoice called me. I was startled and began to flee. Someone ran after me, a hand grasped me gently frombehind. It was Max Demian.     "Oh, it's you, " I said mistrustfully. "You gave me a terrible shock. "     He lookeddown at me and never had his look been more adult, superior, the look of someone who could see through me.We had not spoken to each other for a long time.     "I feel sorry for you, " he said in his polite yet decisivemanner. "Listen, you can't let yourself be frightened like that. "     "Well, one can't always help it. "     "So itseems. But look: if you practically go to pieces in front of someone who hasn't done you any harm, then thatsomeone begins to think. He's surprised, he becomes inquisitive, he thinks you're remarkably high-strung andreaches the conclusion that people are always like that when they're deathly afraid. Cowards are constantlyafraid, but you're not a coward, are you? Certainly, you're no hero either. There are some things you're afraidof, and some people, too. And that should never be, you should never be afraid of men. You aren't afraid ofme? Or are you?"     "Oh, no, not at all. "     "Exactly. But there are people you are frightened of?"     "I don't know...Why don't you let me be?"     He kept pace with me--I had quickened my steps with thoughts of escaping--and Ifelt him glancing at me from the side.     "Let's assume, " he began again, "that I don't mean to do you any harm.At any rate, you've no need to be afraid of me. I'd like to try out an experiment on you. It might be fun and youmight even learn something from it. Now pay attention!--You see, I sometimes practice an art known asthought reading. There's no black magic about it but if you don't know how it's done it can seem very uncanny.You can shock people with it, too. Now let's give it a try. Well, I like you, or I'm interested in you and wouldlike to discover what goes on inside you. I've already taken the initial step in that direction: I've frightenedyou--so that you're nervous. There must be things and people that you're afraid of. If you are afraid ofsomeone, the most likely reason is that this someone has something on you. For example, you've donesomething wrong and the other person knows it--he has a hold on you. You get it? Very clear, isn't it?"     Ilooked up helplessly at his face, which was as serious and intelligent as ever, and kind. Yet its detachedseverity lacked tenderness; impartiality or something similar was visible in it. I was hardly aware of what washappening to me: he stood before me like a magician.     "Have you got it?" he asked once more.     I nodded,unable to speak.     "I told you, reading other people's thoughts seems strange but it's perfectly natural. Forinstance, I could tell you almost exactly what you thought about me the time I told you the story of Cain andAbel. Well, this isn't the time to talk of that. I also think it possible that you dreamed about me once. But let'sput that aside, too. You're bright and most people are stupid. I like talking to a bright fellow now and then,someone I can trust. You don't mind, do you?"     "Of course not. But I don't understand... "     "Let's keep to ouramusing experiment for the moment. So, we've discovered that boy S is easily frightened--he's afraid ofsomeone--he probably shares a secret with this other person, a secret that makes him feel uneasy. Roughlyspeaking, does this correspond to the facts?"     As though in a dream, I succumbed to his voice and influence.His voice seemed to come from within myself. And it knew everything. Did it know everything more clearlyand better than I did myself?     Demian slapped me firmly on the shoulder.     "So that's what it is. I thought itmight be. Now just one more question: do you happen to know the name of the boy who left you back there atthe Burgplatz?"     I was terrified. He had touched my secret.     "What boy? There wasn't any boy there, only me."     "Go on. " He laughed. "What's his name?"     "Do you mean Franz Kromer?" I whispered.     He gave me asatisfied nod.     "Excellent. You're all right, we'll become friends yet. But first I have to tell you something: thisKromer, or whatever his name is, his face tells me he's a first-rate bastard. What do you think?"     "Yes, " Isighed, "he's pretty bad. But he mustn't hear about this. For God's sake. He mustn't find out anything. Do youknow him? Does he know you?"     "Relax. He's gone and he doesn't know me not yet. But I'd like to meet him.He goes to public school, doesn't he?"     "Yes. "     "What grade's he in?"     "The fifth. But don't say anything tohim. Please. "     "Don't worry, nothing will happen to you. I take it you don't want to tell me more about thisKromer?"     "I can't. "     He was silent for a while.     "Too bad, " he said. "We could have carried the experiment astage further. But I don't want to get you all upset. However, you realize, don't you, that your fear of him is allwrong? Such fear can destroy us completely. You've got to get rid of it, you've simply got to, if you want toturn into someone decent. You understand that, don't you?"     "Certainly, you're completely right... But it's socomplicated... You've no idea... "     "You've seen that I know quite a few things about you, far more than youwould have imagined. Do you owe him any money?"     "Yes, that too. But that's not the main thing. I can't tellyou, I just can't. "     "Wouldn't it help if I gave you as much as you owe him?"     "No, that's not it. And youpromise not to tell anyone about it? Not a word?"     "You can trust me, Sinclair. You can tell me your secretsome other time. "     "Never!" I shouted.     "As you like. All I meant was: perhaps you'll tell me more some othertime. Voluntarily, of course. You don't think I would treat you the way Kromer does, do you?"     "Oh, no--butwhat do you know about that anyhow?"     "Nothing whatever. I've merely thought it over and I'd never do itKromer's way, you can believe that. Besides, you don't owe me anything. "     We did not speak for a long time,and I began to calm down, yet I found Demian's knowledge all the more puzzling.     "I'm going home now, " hesaid and gathered his coat closer around him in the rain. "There's just one more thing I'd like to say to yousince we've gotten so far--you ought to get rid of this bastard! If there's no other way of doing it, kill him. Itwould impress and please me if you did! I'd even lend you a hand. "     The story of Cain suddenly recurred tome, and I became afraid again. Everything began to seem so ominous to me that I began to whimper. I wassurrounded by too much that I didn't understand.     "All right. " Max Demian smiled. "Go on home. We'll find away, even though killing him would be the simplest. In cases like this, the simplest course is always the best.Your friend Kromer isn't the best friend to have. "     I found my way home and it seemed to me that I had beenaway for a year. Everything looked different. Something like a future, like hope, now separated me fromKromer. I was no longer alone. Only now did I realise how horribly alone I had been with my secret for weekson end. And at once I remembered a thought I had had several times before: that a confession to my parentswould lighten my load but would not entirely relieve me of it. Now I had almost confessed, to another, to astranger, and the sense of relief was like a fresh breeze.     Nonetheless, my fear was far from conquered and Iwas prepared for a long series of terrible wrangles with my enemy. That was why it seemed remarkable thatmatters took such a calm, such a discreet course.     For one day, for two, for a whole week there was no soundof Kromer's whistle near our house. I hardly dared believe it and I constantly lay in wait for the moment whensuddenly, when least expected, he would reappear. He seemed to have vanished. Mistrusting my new freedom,I refused to believe in it, that is, until I finally ran into Franz Kromer. When he saw me he flinched, his facetwitched, and he turned away so as to avoid meeting me.     It was an unprecedented moment for me! My enemyfleeing from me, my devil afraid of me! A thrill of happy surprise overwhelmed me.     One day I ran intoDemian again. He was waiting for me in front of school.     "Hello, " I said.     "Good morning, Sinclair. I onlywanted to hear how things were going. Kromer isn't bothering you any more, is he?"     "Is that your doing?How did you manage it? I don't understand it at all. He's staying away altogether. "     "That's good. If he shouldturn up again--I don't think he will, but he's quite ruthless--just tell him not to forget Max Demian. "     "Butwhat's the connection? Did you pick a fight and beat him up?"     "No, that's not my way of doing things. Imerely talked to him as I did to you and was able to make it clear to him that it is to his advantage to leave youalone. "     "You didn't pay him any money, I hope. "     "No, that's your method. "     He evaded all my questions,leaving me with the same uneasy feeling toward him I'd had before: a strange mixture of gratitude and awe,admiration and fear, sympathy and inward resistance.     I decided to seek him out and talk at length about allthese matters, as well as about the Cain business. But it did not happen that way. Gratitude is not a virtue Ibelieve in, and to me it seems hypocritical to expect it from a child. Thus my total ingratitude toward MaxDemian does not astonish me too much. Today I have no doubt whatever that I would have been sick andruined for life had he not freed me from Kromer's clutches. Even at that time I was conscious that thisliberation was the greatest experience of my life--but the liberator himself I deserted as soon as he hadperformed his miracle.     As I have said, ingratitude does not surprise me. What does startle me, in retrospect, ismy lack of curiosity. How was I able to go on living a single day without trying to come nearer to the secretwhich Demian had revealed to me? How was it I did not want to hear more about Cain, more about Kromer,more about Demian's ability to read other peopled thoughts?     It is almost incredible, and yet it was so. Isuddenly found myself extricated from a demonic labyrinth. I again saw the world bright and joyful before meand no longer succumbed to fits of suffocating fear. The spell was broken, I was no longer damned andtormented. I was a schoolboy again, and my whole being sought to regain its peaceful equilibrium as quicklyas possible, making a particular effort to repel and forget the ugly, threatening things I had come to know. Thewhole episode of my guilt and fright slipped from my memory with incredible speed and without apparentlyleaving any scars or deep impressions behind.     However, today I can understand why I strained to forget mysavior so quickly. I fled from the valley of sorrow, my horrible bondage to Kromer, with all the strength at thecommand of my injured soul: back to where I had been happy and content, back to the lost paradise that wasopening up again now, back to the light, untroubled world of mother and father, my sisters, the smell ofcleanliness, and the piety of Abel.     Already, the day after my short talk with Demian, when I was fullyconvinced at last of having regained my freedom and no longer feared losing it again, I did what I had wantedto do so often and desperately before--I confessed. I went to my mother, I showed her the damaged piggy bankfilled with play money and I told her for how long I had bound myself through my own guilt to an eviltonnenter. She did not understand everything but she saw; she saw my changed expression, heard the changein my tone of voice, and felt that I was cured and had been restored to her.     And now began the feast of myreadmittance to the fold, the return of the Prodigal Son. Mother took me to my father, the story was repeated,there were questions and exclamations of surprise, both parents stroked my head and breathed sighs of reliefafter the long period of oppression. Everything was marvelous, everything happened as the stories I had readsaid they would, everything resolved itself in wonderful harmony.     I drugged myself on the satisfaction ofhaving regained my peace of mind and the confidence of my parents, I became a most exemplary boy at home,played more than ever with my sisters and during the devotional periods sang all my favorite hymns with thefervor of one who has been saved, who has been converted. It came from my heart, there was nothing falseabout it.     Still, not everything was back in order. And this is the fact that really accounts for my neglect ofDemian. I should have confessed tohim. The confession would have been less emotional and touching, but itwould have been far more fruitful. I had returned to my former, my Edenic world. This was not Demian'sworld, and he would never have been able to fit into it. He too--though differently from Kromer--was atempter; he, too, was a link to the second, the evil world with which I no longer wanted to have anything to do.I did not want to sacrifice Abel to glorify Cain, not just now when I had once more become Abel.     Those werethe superficial reasons. The inner ones, however, were as follows: I was free of Kromer and the devil's handsbut through no power or effort of my own. I had tried to pass through the labyrinth of the world but the wayhad proved too intricate for me. Now that a friendly hand had extricated me, I retreated, looking neither to theleft nor to the right, but went straight to my mother's lap and the security of a pious, sheltered childhood. Iturned myself into someone younger, more dependent, more childish than I was. I had to replace mydependence on Kromer with a new one, for I was unable to walk alone. So, in the blindness of my heart, Ichose to be dependent on my father and mother, on the old, cherished "world of light, " though I knew by nowthat it was not the only one. If I had not followed this course I would have had to bank on Demian and entrustmyself to him. That I did not do so at the time seemed to me to be the result of my justifiable suspicion of hisstrange ideas; in reality it was entirely because of my fear. For Demian would have been far more exactingthan my parents; he would have tried to make me more independent by using persuasion, exhortation,mockery, and sarcasm. I realize today that nothing in the world is more distasteful to a man than to take thepath that leads to himself.     Yet six months later I could not resist the temptation and I asked my father during awalk what one was to make of the fact that some people considered Cain a better person than Abel.     He wasmuch taken aback and explained that this was an interpretation entirely lacking in originality, that it hadalready arisen in Old Testament times and had been taught by a number of sects, one of which were called the"Cainites. " But of course this mad doctrine was merely an attempt on the part of the devil to destroy our faith,for, if one believed that Cain was right and Abel in the wrong, then it followed that God had made a mistake;in other words, the God of the Bible was not the right and only one, but a false God. Indeed, the Cainites hadtaught and preached something of the sort. However, this heresy had long since disappeared from the face ofthe earth and he was only surprised that a school friend of mine should have heard anything about it. Hewarned me most seriously against harboring such ideas.