Ana

Chapter 3

He is there. The one thing I couldn't bear to see is right in front of me. I feel a my whole body and mind go numb. Why am I being such a fucking baby? What is wrong with me, oh my god. Just look at the floor, watch your feet move forward, avoid any contact. My head plays this over and over until I get safely into my geometry class. I am safe.

Instead of doing proofs that I've already mastered, I decide to draw out a new workout plan. I've also decided to change my name to Liz and I announce it to everyone. Everything is going fine until my stomach starts to growl during silent homework time. 

"Liz, are you okay?" My teacher, Mr. Q, we call him Q, asks me as he walks over to my desk. "Can I see you in the hall for a minute?" 

I get up slowly and I notice I'm shaking. He knows. He's gonna tell. I'm fucking screwed. Just play it cool and stop fucking shaking you idiot, that's a dead give away. I start to take silent deep breaths while I wait for him to get in the hallway. I've managed to take myself down from about a 10 on the anxiety scale to a solid 3. I feel like I've been out here forever, but it's only been like two minutes. Finally Q comes out. 

"Liz, you look like hell, did you eat lunch today?" He asks with a deeply concerned look on his face. That makes me feel horrible. I hate when people are concerned about me. I'm fine, I can handle myself please don't worry about me. 

"Of course I did" I reply blankly. 

"Hold on just a second." He half mumbles while he goes back in to the classroom. What is going on? A minute later Mr. Q comes out with the only other person at my lunch table, Andy. Oh my god this isn't happening.

"Andy, did Liz eat lunch today? I see you two sit together, tell me the truth." Q says with a serious look on his face. I look at Andy with a pleading face. Please don't tell on me. 

"No, I don't think so. She never eats lunch anymore." He announces, looking straight into my eyes. I know what he's thinking. It's for my own good, right? Well, no it's fucking not. 

"Liz, why don't you eat lunch? Is there a problem?" Q asks quietly.

"No, I just eat bring food and eat it in my fouth and fifth period since I have IS." I feel so guilty lying to him like that, but I'm a good liar. His face relaxes and I think I'm in the clear. IS is kinda like a blow off class. We stay in the same room and combine english and history. We stay with the same two teachers for both periods and they kinda make sure that what we do in one class goes along with the other. There's practically no homework, everything is done in class. It's pretty boring if you ask me.

Andy just stands there quietly with a hollow look on his face. He knows I'm lying. I wait for him to say something, but he just stands there. No one says anything for a long time. Q breaks the silence.

"Well are you getting enough sleep? You look really pale and tired."

"No, I don't really sleep well. Things are just a little stressful at home, that's all. It's nothing to worry about. I usually take a nap in chemistry anyway." I say with a smile. Q laughs at my remark about chemistry. Andy smiles a little. 

"Well alright, Liz. I understand things can be stressful sometimes. Have you tried melatonin? It's this really awesome, natural vitamin thing that helps you sleep. I'd suggest getting some." Q says with a smile. 

"I'll have my stepdad pick some up for me next time we go grocery shopping, thanks."

The three of us start to move back into the classroom when I see something out of the corner of my eye. He heard everything. "He" is my ex. The love of my life. We had been dating for over a year until he decided to break it off with me because of Ana. His name, Dylan, burns every time I think about it or say it. It's physically painful to see his face in the hallways when we both pass the spots we used to stop and kiss during the passing periods. He knows I lied to Q, why didn't he say anything?

He doesn't care about you, don't you get it? If he really loved you like he said he did, he would have spoken up and told. He doesn't want to say anything because he knows they will make you eat and you'll get fat. There's nothing uglier on you than weight. He feels sorry for you. He knows if you get fat you'll never find anyone else and there's no possible way you'll ever get over him. Why would he want you to be helplessly drawn to him like that? You're disgusting and pathetic. 

My throat starts to hurt as I push back the urge to cry. My eyes are stinging while i try to blink away the tears that are already starting to form. My body is numb. As I rush back to my desk, I trip and start to fall. Andy grabs my forearm and waist to stop my fall. I quietly thank him, thinking nothing of what just happened until I reach to grab a pen from my bag and blood drips from my wrist onto my backpack.

"Q, can I go to the bathroom?" I plead.

"There's only fifteen minutes left in class, can it wait, Liz?"

"No, sir, it really can't" I say with begging eyes. I mouth "girl problem."

His eyes get really wide. "GO." he shouts making the whole class jump and look up from what they're doing. 

I walk at a normal pace out of the classroom, but practically sprint to the bathroom, dripping blood on the halway floor. The damage is a lot worse than I expected. The sleeve of my black hoodie is soaked and blood is pouring out of my arm. I lock the door to the empty bathroom so no one comes in. I put my bloody arm under the sink which makes it burn. I want to scream, but I know I can't do that and give myself away. After I wash my arm I take most of the toilet paper out of a stall and make myself a bandage. It's not very good, but it should last until I get home. I find out the sleeve of my hoodie and dry it under the high powered hand dryer, unlock the bathroom door and head back to class. 

On the way back to the classroom Dylan's eyes meet mine. He looks away at something, the blood on the floor and then back at me. I can feel my cheeks getting hot. Dylan opens his mouth to say something, but I quickly slide back into my classroom. Q gives me a scared look which makes me laugh. I know what he's thinking, periods are just freaky to most men. I understand. 

The bus ride home is always terrible, especially today. I'm greeted by the bus driver while I watch Dylan stare at me from the front row out of the corner of my eye. Why does he have to live two blocks away from me? I choose a seat closer to the back of the bus and close my eyes. 

I'm awaken by someone shaking my arm. Dylan shaking my arm. Dylan in my seat. Why is Dylan in my seat! 

"Brittany, talk to me." He says gently.

"Why they fuck would I talk to you, you ABANDONED me. Get the fuck out of my seat. Oh and by the way, my name isn't Brittany anymore I changed it." I snap back at him. Why is he even talking to me? he needs to stay out of my life.

Don't you get it? He's bored and lonely so he's using you. He knows you would build your whole life around him if he asked you to. You fucking stupid, fat, dumb bitch. God you're so fucking pathetic. I can hear Ana scream at me. Why do I let her rule my life? I should talk to Dylan, he makes me happy.

"Please just talk to me, Brittany, or whatever your new name is. I know I made a mistake by leaving you. I was just so scared I was gonna lose you, I thought by leaving would make it better, but it doesn't. I can't stop thinking about you, I spend all day in my room worrying about you." His eyes start to water as he chokes his words out. I can't help but feel horrible. 

What did I tell you, he was only coming back because he's lonely. I feel Dylan's hand on the opening of my sleeve. Everything is happening so fast. It's all your fault. You starved yourself. You made him leave. My breathing gets faster. Dangerously fast. The bus is shrinking. Everything is closing in on me. Dylan grabs me and holds me. I can't hold in my tears any longer. I don't have the energy to fight him so I cry in his arms for the rest of the thirty minute ride home. 

"Do you want me to come with you?" Dylan asks as we approach my stop. I shake my head. What the fuck makes him think I want him to come with me? I can't even speak.

I run in the house ignoring my family members I see on the way to my room. When I get in my room I snatch the pillow and let out my screams. It's not just any screams, it's the scary screams that release all the anger and hurt inside of you. These are wild animal screams. 

When I finally calm down I'm exhausted. I can't feel anything. My eyes are heavy . 

Work out you lazy bitch.