Ana

Chapter 4

Not eating is probably the most difficult thing ever. You deprive your body of something you need. This is fucking insane. I need to eat. My body is begging me to give in, but Ana is begging me not to. 

Don't fucking do it Liz. Do not eat. Don't you want to be skinny? Food is the enemy. 

I don't know what happened next but I found myself with a dirty plate next to me. My stomach no longer aches for food. It no longer vibrates in my torso. I look down at my stomach, and it's bloated. I ate. I ate a lot oh my god. There's really only one option now. 

Purge.

Good fucking job you idiot. You can't do anything right.

I find myself standing infront of the mirror of my bathroom. My cheeks look especially fat, as does my stomach, legs, and arms. Everything looks huge. The only way to get this image out of my head is to empty the contents of my stomach. I hate purging. Its fucking disgusting and it hurts. 

I turn the shower on and start playing with my uvula. Soon all the contents of my stomach are in the toilet. My body feels weak. I flush and get in the shower. 

Showers are probably the best thing ever because no one can tell if you're crying. I scrub every inch of my body that appears to be shrinking back to normal size by the second. Tears spill out of my eyes faster than the water I'm standing under. Is it really too much to ask for to be thin? Do I really have to torture myself this much? Is anything really worth it anymore?

The relief comes in a simple thought. The blade. I should have thought of this before I took a shower, but I can always wash my arm off after everyone goes to sleep. 

For now Ana has shut up, but when she's quiet the rest of my mind just does not want to be. 

Your grades are horrible. 

You didn't do your homework again.

You're a failure.

Dylan.

Mike.

School.

It doesn't stop until I take peel blades of a new razor head. I always cut my finger, but that's the most exciting part. It's kind of the foreplay in a twisted, fucked up way. The new metal slides gently over the skin of my wrist exactly seven times in a perfect row. Bright red lights up my forearm and brings a rush of excitement. 

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"It's six ten time to wake up" is the next thing I can remember hearing. It is my stepdad's voice gently waking me up. He always wakes me up so calmly. I find comfort in it. It is probably the happiest time in my day. The kindest words I will hear all day. 

Today is strange. I am feeling rather joyful. Instead of questioning it and picking at the feeling until it dies I decide to go with it and see where it takes me. Today is gonna be a good day, probably because it's Friday. 

I pick out some comfortable, black jean shorts and a black, long sleeved v-neck I stole from this girl that I really don't like, brush my teeth and I'm out the door. Today seems like a nice day to walk to school. It's only a twenty minute walk and there's about an hour and a half before class starts so why not? 

Rather than going straight to school I walk to a nearby park to roll up my sleeves and soak in some sunshine before class. The air is warm and the humidity is low. What a perfect morning.