Why Twilight Sucks

Way To Be Grateful

81. Threatening/attempting suicide does not true love make.

82. Bella has no life (hobbies, friends, interests, motivations, desires) outside of Edward.

83. None of her other friends (Mike, Jessica, etc.) matter to her. At. All.

84. Neither do her parents, apparently—which is even more worrying.

85. In addition to generally not caring about them, she’s disrespectful and bitchy to her dad and condescending to her mom.

86. How come Charlie could take care of himself for years…until Bella got there?

87. Bella’s dad got her a car…and she’s bitchy about it because it was free. Way to be grateful.

88. Bella likes Edward because he’s hot; Edward likes her because she smells good. That’s not love, that’s lust.

89. Describing a character’s physical characteristics a few times: good. Describing how OMGZGORGEOUS a character is hundreds of times: god-awful.

90. It’s in first person. That’s not necessarily bad, except this first person is all inane babble about insignificant details of Bella’s life.

91. Good novels don’t have their origins in dreams and a few months of slapdash writing.

92. Incessant parallels to Romeo and Juliet (a satire on teenage stupidity!) and Wuthering Heights (which is more a study of mentally disturbed characters than “OMG, tru wuv!”) prove that Meyer totally missed the point of both works.

93. Actually, she just needs to stop comparing Twilight to any classic literature whatsoever.

94. Meyer/Bella’s fixation with Austen is incredibly ironic, considering Austen is everything (and more) that Twilight wants to be and fails miserably at.

95. Twilight is not, and will never be, “a great love story” or “a romance for the ages.” Bella and Edward will never ever be Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy. They’re the FAIL version of a misinterpreted Cathy and Heathcliff (see point 92), but they’ll never be a true classic romantic couple.

96. If you’re going to build things up for an epic battle, actually have an epic battle.

97. On a similar note, I read somewhere that the reason there wasn’t one was because Meyer couldn’t bear to let any of her characters die. Good writers go where the story takes them, even if that means sacrificing some of their creations.

98. The cheesy fairy-tale ending. Just the last sentence has enough saccharine sweetness to initiate the gag reflex. Joy and sparkles and rainbows from here to eternity…no. Just no.

99. Bella didn’t sacrifice anything to earn that cheesy happy ending.

100. “I guess my brain will never work right. At least I’m pretty." The words from Bella Swan herself in Breaking Dawn.