Things You Said [Collection of Gratsu Mini-Fics]

Things You Said When I Was Crying

Gray never cried.

Or at least, Natsu had always thought so. He was always keeping his bravado up and his feelings covered, it was like his heart had been frozen long ago and only the best could thaw it out.
Either the best—or a certain date.

They had been walking for hours, Natsu was getting cold while fatigue crept up on him. Gray had kept him in silence the whole way, at first he didn't know where the other was taking him at all. Then it hit him, like a punch in the face and he felt bad for wanting to complain so much about the weather. Ur was important to Gray, and by bringing Natsu along to visit the grave he'd made in her memory showed he was important too. The grave was simplistic, with its own charm. Gray must've made it himself with his magic, none the less there was not a crystal out of place—she would surely have been proud of him.

"Well here it is," Gray announced. "feel free to...indulge in it, I guess."

"You made this all by yourself?" Natsu questioned, keeping his hands in his pockets so he didn't feel compelled to touch anything.

"Yup" Gray had nodded. "Came out here one day...feeling stupid and bitter, sat down and decided she at least deserved a grave...even if her body..."

"Became the ice," Natsu supplied gently. "I think she would have liked this."

"I hope so" Gray responded quietly. "She was the only other family I had, besides my parents."

Natsu did not understand the pain of losing a parent, or both as Gray had. The only parent he'd known was Igneel and while yes—abandonment hurt like a bitch at least he wasn't dead. Gray had lost both his mentor and parents...all from Deliora's attack. Natsu remembers their fight with the beast fondly, it had been hard and it had been long—especially because Gray was so shaken up about it. Eventually, they pulled through but at what cost?

"Gray..." Natsu reached out to hesitantly touch his arm when his shoulders started shaking and fists clenched.

"I wonder if...I hadn't been so brash...would she have died then," Gray laughed bitterly. "If I hadn't summoned up all this revenge and bravado...would she still be here."

"That's not your fault, Gray" Natsu chided.

"Then why does it feel like it...!" He raised voice temporarily, shrinking back against Natsu's hold as quiet sobs racked his body. "I lost everyone...my parents and Ur...and yet...even if I couldn't stop it—I'd have gladly sacrificed—"

"We talked about this," Natsu cut in quickly, already knowing where this self-deprecating feeling would lead. "Deliora was defeated and you are alive."

"But—"
Natsu cut him off again, "Gray you're alive and that's what matters, your parents, Ur, the guild, even me—we're all happy you're alive! So stop selfishly saying it should've been you...if you were gone I...I wouldn't know what to do you know? Who would rile me up and make me angry like you can? Who can be my best friend like you are? Who else can...like me, like you do...?"

"I don't...I don't know..." Gray mumbled, trying to regulate his breathing and sniffling occasionally. "I don't know."

"Then stop...blaming yourself" Natsu gently grabbed his cheeks. "You are alive, and they are alive with you whether here or in your heart—you kept them alive with your memories...don't throw that away."

"It's been so long and it still hurts...it always hurts," Gray mumbled as Natsu allowed him to pull him close, placing his head on his shoulder. "every year, the pain lessons only to get worse."

Natsu resorted to just listening, allowing him to just vent out all the things he'd been feeling.

"I always look at different possibilities...if I hadn't wanted to challenge the monster she probably wouldn't have had to come...my selfish actions even got Lyon hurt," Gray continued in a quiet voice. "then some days, I wonder why the monster had to attack my town alone...why couldn't it have been somewhere else? A different casualty...and thoughts like that always make me feel selfish."

Natsu nodded.

"If I could re-do that time over and over I'd try to save her, I'd try to save my parents too...I'd save everyone," A bitter laugh erupted from his throat this time. "yet I know it's a fantasy...I wasn't strong enough then, there was nothing I could do then."

"Then what about now?" Natsu chided gently. "You're stronger now, more than you were then."
"Am I?" Gray questioned. "Or am I just accepting it and trying too hard...?"

"Either way," Natsu was stroking his back, choosing his words carefully. "I don't think...even if you hadn't run off...that she wouldn't have come."

Gray didn't respond, so he hesitantly continued speaking.

"You told me she was a strong willed person, and that you and Lyon were the most important to her...there's no way she would have just left a monster like that alone to continue its rampant destruction," Natsu explained. "It's not the kind of person she was...right?"

"You're right..." Gray nuzzled his shoulder some, his tears seeming to have stopped. "She would have gone whether we begged or not."

"So I don't think...you should carry the burden all by yourself..." Natsu gently shifted to tilt his head back up, get up on his tip-toes slightly to kiss cold, slightly chapped, lips. "Because it's not your fault."

"...It's not my fault..." Gray repeated back to him.

"It's not your fault" Natsu repeated again. "The past won't change just because you want it to, but that doesn't mean you can't feel that way—you just have to remember that it wasn't just you there, it wasn't just you affected by that day."

"I'm not the only one who lost someone important..." Gray laughed, though it was without humor. "yet I selfishly parade around as the local sob-fest...I'm grand."

"Well you're my grand boyfriend and I for one...think everyone would be pretty proud of seeing you now" Natsu gave him a signature grin and squeezed his hands. "I know I am."

"Are you saying that because we're dating or because you're trying to butter me up?" Gray laughed, wiping the last of his tears. "Thank you...for coming with me and...talking to me."

"I'm always going to be by your side, that fact will never change" Natsu reminded him. "so talk to me, let me help you when things get too rough."

"I will" Gray promised, pulling him close to kiss the top of his head before kneeling down to the make-shift grave, murmuring a few things of his own to it as Natsu backed away to give him some privacy in his thought.

They were there for a good ten more minutes before Gray approached him, signaling he was done with everything he needed to say and that he'd probably return tomorrow one last time before they departed back to Fiore. Hand-in-hand, they headed back to their inn and Natsu attempted to lighten the mood for them both.

"Hey you know our inn has some really nice hot chocolate?" He questioned.

"Are you telling me this because you want some or because you're dying to get warm?" Gray questioned, laughing.

"A little of both" Natsu shrugged. "This place is completely out of my element."

"All the better to vacation with you."

"You're ridiculous, Fullbuster."