Logan has always been a confused boy, always has, always will. His parents will never be proud, but he can only hope that they will. He hopes that he means something, he hopes his friends understand his situation. He can't talk to his parents, they say the same thing.
"You're confused." They say, along with the name he was born with. That stupid name won't be said here, gotta respect the boy who seems confused.
The boy always knew he wasn't straight, it was clear since he was a kid. He had a thing for girls, boys, and those in between. He mostly looked at personality, not looks and not genitals. He was a nice guy, kinda shy, but also outgoing once you got to know him. He loved many things from cartoons, to video games, to plays and movies. He was a man of many tastes, to tell you the truth.
The one thing everybody will tell you about him is that he's happy, probably one of the most happiest guys on Earth.
But he isn't. Don't ever believe those people. Logan hated himself a lot, mostly because of the people he lived with, people who hated him, people who picked on him. The only thing that was good in his life were his friends, oh his wonderful friends. They always made sure he was happy and safe, but they aren't always there.
They weren't there when he came out as trans, and they certainly weren't there when he had to listen to his parents say how horrible it is to be trans. How horrible it is to go against God, even though he wasn't really religious. He was crying the whole time, he couldn't do anything. When he told his friends, all they could do was hug him and wish him luck, give him advice. He tried to make things easier, tried dressing more masculine.
It's hard when your parents know what you are, and that they want you to be a girl. It's difficult indeed. Logan lived with it though, he dealt with it. Dealing with it lead to him thinking of bad thoughts, thoughts that drove him crazy at night. From suicide, to running away, what good was it? What to do?
He thought of suicide a lot, that was #1 on his list of things to do mostly. He craved death, and yet was afraid. In one hand, he knew he would be able to leave this hell called home, a place where they didn't respect his name, didn't respect his pronouns or sexuality. In the other hand, he would hurt people, more than himself. Could he do that? Hurt the people he loved, his family?
Not the family he lived with, oh no, that family that really cared for him and made him feel like he matters. His friends. His friends were the only thing that kept him away from killing himself, but that didn't stop him from cutting. The cuts, new and old, all over his legs made him remember all those times. All those breakdowns he had, and of course he dealing with them alone.
He would drink too, but his parents hide the liquor too well.
Logan, the kid who was confused with who he was. Why? Because his parents keep making him think he's something he's not, a girl, and drill that into his brain when he can. His hair is short, and his binders work fine for now, his parents can't see how masculine he looks. They're blind to it right now, but sooner or later they'll know. They'll know he passes, and they'll ruin it and hurt him again. All they do now is watch him, make sure he doesn't pull things that make him happy, no. He has to follow them, not himself.
The confused boy doesn't know what to do, maybe he'll never know what to do, but all he can do is breathe and walk like nothing happens. He has invisible bruises from the insults his parents and siblings say, and yet he stays silent, and keeps walking. He ignores the bruises and tears, instead he walks away. Confused, scared, and sad.
The confused boy named Logan.
