Secret Admirer

Chapter 10

"I love you so much, it hurts to see you with her."

Elise Williams

A few weeks passed and Ethan and I hadn't spoken much. A lot of the time, I would come up with the excuse of being "busy" although during that time, I was sitting at home on my own either doing extra homework to keep myself occupied or watching Pretty Little Liars. Ethan and Olivia were still going strong - they'd now been together for three whole weeks. I tried not to get in the way of them too much - hence the reason why I'd been avoiding Ethan as best as I could, which was sort of difficult seeing as how we had a lot of classes together.

It was a Thursday afternoon and I had AP Physics with both Ethan and Olivia. As we took our seats - I tried to keep my distance from the couple - the teacher My Bronyx walked in.

"Alright class! Today you will be getting your assignments."

"Will we get to choose our own groups?" Christopher asked from the back of the classroom.

"No. For this assignment, I will be allocating your groups. You will be in groups of four. Now, as I read out the names of the people in each group, you will move to a side bench and start discussing things you can do to your machine." As Mr Bronyx said this, he walked around the class, handing out a task sheet to each person. Once each person had one, he moved to the front of the class and pulled a piece of paper out of his folder.

"Okay, the groups are as follows: Madeline, Jack, Matthew and Jacintha." The four of them moved to one of the side benches as Mr Bronyx read out the next lot of people.

"Lachlan, Maxine, Bella and Darren."

"Ethan, Elise, Christopher and Olivia."

My heart stopped. Usually I would be super happy with the group I was in. I would usually love working with these people. But given the circumstances, you can probably understand how I was feeling. Anger, confusion, fear, anxiousness. All these feelings erupted through my body. All of a sudden, I felt exhausted, like the pressure of the world had been dropped on my back. Just my friggin' luck. Should've seen this coming.

The four of us moved to a side bench, taking our pencil cases and task sheets with us. The air around us was awkward for a little while until Christopher broke the silence - which I was immensely grateful for. "So guys, what do you want to start on?" he said.

"Well, I think the best thing to do first is to think about what modifications we're going to make to the machine and then allocate who's bringing what," I said. As I teared my gaze away from my task sheet and looked up at Olivia and Ethan, I saw them holding hands and looking at each other with smiles on their faces. Her green eyes were gleaming and his piercing, electric blue eyes were as bright as the ocean. My eyes lingered on Ethan for a few seconds and then remembering where I was, I tore my gaze away. My heart ached seeing them together. It felt like a knife was going through my chest. I could feel water rising up behind my eyes but I fought hard to keep them from spilling out over my face. Keep it together girl.

The lesson went on for what felt like forever. I spent a lot of it standing there quietly and keeping to myself. Finally the bell went and I rushed out of the classroom before Ethan could confront me about anything. I really didn't feel like talking to him then. I mean, he was there making goo-goo eyes at Olivia the whole time as if I wasn't standing there! How insensitive can you get? Then I remembered that he didn't know that I lo.....liked him - if I used that other word, it would only make things even harder. I knew I shouldn't be angry at him since he obviously didn't have a clue that I liked him as more than a friend but I was also angry at him because he should have known. After all these years, he should have figured it out. Then again, maybe I'd just gotten better at hiding my emotions.

Maybe one day, Ethan and I could get back to where we were. Maybe one day, I got bury my feelings for Ethan so deep that even I could forget that they existed. Wouldn't that be great? No complications, no conflict. It would be so much easier just to forget that I'd ever thought of him as more than a friend. It would be so much easier to watch them be happy together and tag along as a third wheel. Maybe then I wouldn't be angry at him. Maybe then I wouldn't be sad. Maybe then my life could be simple. Simpler.

But even then, I realised that even if I could bury my feelings deep enough, they would always still be there like a painful memory, a scar from when you fell when you were two years old. Even if I could drown my feelings and pretend that they didn't exist, I would never lo......like anyone as much as I did Ethan.

Why can't you see me? Why can't you like me the way I like you? What makes her more special, more deserving of you than me?