Dear Dad - R.I.P

I dream of all the good days, and bad days we had. And I'd wake up, with reality reminding me that your not there.

Your not there to say good morning, or see me off to school.

Your not there to ask how my school was, or say goodnight.

Your not there to come check on me, when I pretended to be fast asleep. When really I kept myself awake, to make sure I can feel you tuck me in tight, and whisper "Sweet dreams" in my ear.

Your not there to tell me everything's alright, when I've had a bad day.

When I'm not at home helping Nan and Mum, I'm in your graveyard, sitting on the ground where you lay, head bowed and whispering what had happened during the day.

They say your still up there, loving, caring, protecting me.

I don't believe them, I tell them that your here, and always here, right next to me, when I leave that door to walk to school, I may not feel it, but your there, holding my hand.

I took you for granted, I answered you back when you tried to make a point, I left your dinners that you spent hours to make, I turned my back to you whenever you grounded me, I smashed our photo frame out of pure anger.

If I could take all those things back I would, I would trade your death for anything. To bring you back, would mean the world to me, it would mean me having my life back, it would mean me having a dad.

Some people say I need to let go, forget the past, but they don't hear you singing to me. I will stay forever, here with you, so I wish I could, your softly spoken words I'm hearing, even in death, you will never be alone.

I sung at your funeral. Your favourite song. I brought tears to your loved ones eyes. I got lost in the moment, tears were to fall, in the love of my father, he raised and then fall.

Say goodnight, don't be afraid, call on me, anytime, as you faded to nothing.

"Your dad was amazing!" They would all tell me.

"STOP talking about him in the past tense!" Would be the response.

Can you hear me? Can you feel that your in my arms?

I hate it, dad, I hate everything about this! Please come home, your missed. I'm by your grave now, I'm writing this to you, it's not long until I read it out for you. Placing your rose, blood red rose, beside your stone, beside your grave as my hair is blown.

R.I.P it reads on the grave, but I know that you wouldn't just leave the family behind, that  you would come back and try to live your normal life.

It's impossible dad! Listen to me now, I want you to rest, your poor damaged head.

Listen to the cries of Mum, the stress of Nan, the words I whisper, the waves crashing, the wind blowing, the trees rustling, the birds singing...and the world rushing by.

I love you dad, you know I do, but I'm getting to the age where I can't remember you.

This is just a letter to say goodbye, as we're moving house, I'll try not to cry.

We're leaving you here, dad, we're leaving you hear. There's no going back now, it's a new beginning. You wont be living, but forever sleeping.

I'll visit you some day, just to say hi, maybe with my future family, maybe when I die.

But be sure of this, no matter how convincing it may seem, I'll never stop loving you, I'll never move on.

But one thing is for sure.

I'm leaving you to rest, forever more.

R.I.P to the most amazing Dad in the hole wide world.