You're Killing Me

police

Jake-
I had to talk to the police. I had to relive finding her. I had to relive finding out she was gone. I had to relive a few of my favorite memories of her. I had to face her mother. I had to see her room. I had to go to her funeral. But the thing that hurt the most was not the simple fact that I somehow still existed and she did not. No it was the utter pain of waking up every morning only to realize that she was gone. Only to face the fact that I am yet again on this planet without my light to guide me. Without that helping hand. Without a safety net.

So I talked to the police. I got rid of emotions and focused on the case. I got rid of the saddness the guilt the sheer hatred for the monster that took her from me. I got rid of the anguish and the torture of reality. I created my own world were I could pretend this never happened. I hid behind my wall's so that not a single soul could reach me anymore. I hid behind the facade and image of being okay. I hid behind the words 'I'm fine'. I hid behind the idea of being okay. Of having one normal day. I hid because I am NOT strong. I am NOT okay. And I most deffinetly won't be until I can sleep again. Until I can look myself in the mirror and confidently walk away. Until I can forget the heartbreak and tears after I found her lifeless body just thrown out like trash. Slashed like meat and hurt like a thousand knives. My angle, a fallen angle. My rock, a weak pebble. My fire, a flikering flame. My hope, dried up.

The police ask me 'do you know anyone who disliked Katherine?' no I didn't. Everyone loved kat. 'do you recognise the slashes?' what kind of question is that. 'could you run through that night again for us?' sure why the hell not. 'we'll call when we get more information'. I never got the call. I'm still waiting. Its been a little over three months now. The only people who can deal with me being my parents and Mason. My knight in this terrible war. The gold in all the rubble. He's why I'm still here today. Its because I love him that I get up everyday. Its because I love him that I pull a smile. Its because I love him that I'm not with her. Its because I love him that I'm telling you this now.

I love you Mason, always will.