Oh, how tragic

Whispers

  I hate when I dream about it because when you dream about it, you can't stop thinking about it. Especially when it's random, it's absolutely terrible because you go along your merry way and wake up sweating and out of breath, and then out of nowhere that little voice in the back of your head goes "damn it" and then you realize just how much you really wanted to die.

     Suicide has been defined in many different ways by many people, it's been called cowardly, it's been called an act of irrationality, it's been called an act only weak people make, it's been called a last resort. I don't want to define it. Suicide can not be defined obviously, because it's seen as so many different things. It's really all about perspective. However, when you leave it undefined it leaves you with nowhere to go and a thousand strings pulling you in different directions and for a moment, time absolutely stops. In these moments your sweat trickles down your face and that words are stuck on your numb toung. "I can't live like this anymore."

     Have you ever felt trapped by the only place you belong? Have you ever felt absolutely stuck? On the outside of your body looking on the inside of you and what you see is..  empty.. it's hopeless... and there's absolutely no way in hell it's you but it definitely has your eyes. There's so many ways to describe depression. It could be how your life is hanging on if they respond in the moment you need them or how deep you cut or it could be pretending everything is ok while you watch the world spin and everyone ignore the tragedy going on. It's staring at the bottle of pills for hours, it's trying to write the suicide letter but not sure how to explain it to them what they'll never understand. Picturing their pale, blank expression while the page is flooded with words that they'll never truly grasp. Standing over your dead corpse. Depression is constantly fighting a world in your head while living in a whole other world.  How many times can you kill yourself? I honestly believe you can do it more than once. If you're at the point where you want to kill yourself you're practicaly already dead. If you count how many dreams I've had about suicide, I've done it about a thousand times over. 

       "Today is definitely not going to be easy." I swing my legs over the bed and walk across the room to my bathroom. "Maybe I can just scrub it off." I prepare myself to wash my face and you don't need to know the rest because you already know how you hope the shower will make you feel better and instead you sit in class trying to make the teachers voice sound louder than the one in your head. "Sigh, I guess I could... No, no I promised." I really have to throw away the razor blades....

        There's something about a car that makes me fill with desire so overwhelming the joy of having one inflates my chest. There's cool moments in life. Some of my favorite moments are being in a car with your friends. This only seems to work when it's your friends car though. Kind of like how only your Mom's bed will make you sleepy and take a long nap. A car is much more than a pile of metal cleverly put together to burn toxins into the air.

      A car is a safe space. It's the ability to go anywhere at any given moment. It's the first thing that becomes yours, it allows you so many opportunities. For instance, if I had a car and a bad day I could go to the store and pick out my favorite food. I'd head to the highest hill in the city I could find and watch as the day ends while shoving food down my throat. A car is the place where it's most acceptable to blare music as loud as you want and cruz down a long road where you and your friends would point out the abandoned houses you played spin the bottle in.

       A car is the one thing you can have that will stay the same, but allow you to change. A car is freedom. It's the opposite of the constant pressure building in your chest so massive you might explode. It's the opposite of gray hair at 15 years old or migraines from depression or stress. A car means no bounds, it means a future that might exist without the fear of someone seeing all the cracks in what they thought was your perfect life. A car means a place that will take you where you wanna go, it will heat you up or cool you down. A car is what I wish my mind could be.

          If my mind could be like a car, with no bounds of stress or depression, the possibility to be what I want it to be, the opportunity to take me where I wish to go, maybe I would finally understand what it means to be at home.