The Probability of Forward

chapter 1: spiral out of orbit

THE AIR RUSHED OUT of me as I flattened myself against the gym wall.

I felt exhausted, like the world was caving in and I couldn't get up. But no one seemed to notice that my world was spiraling out of orbit; the heaviness of my breathing seemed insignificant compared to the blaring music and dancing bodies five yards away. I shut my eyes against the sweep of neon lights meant to make this homecoming thing feel alive, not draining.

My eyes locked on the opened gym doors across the room. I could see some people mingling outside, but more importantly, I could see the endless oblivion of the night sky. The promise of clean air to fill my crushed heart and lungs. I clutched my hands together and pushed myself off the wall and skirted around the edge of the dance floor until I felt cool air hit my sweaty skin.

Gripping the wall for support, I cursed myself for coming tonight, for thinking that this time might be different. What a joke. It always came to this. Whether it was the excitement to go to the movies with my friends, or the novelty of a homecoming dance, it always came back to this dull ache in my heart and this twisting of coherency in my mind. My tongue tying itself in knots. The bodies around me feeling too close, too much.

I wanted to have Isabelle beside me. To feel her fingers wrapped around my hands, see her brilliant green eyes watching me gently, hear the silence between us until my breathing returns to normal. But I didn't know where she was. And the last thing I want to do was immerse myself in that crowd of people and feel suffocated to death by the loudness of their whoops, the exaggerated motions of their bodies, the boom boom boom of the music, the people, the heat, the bodies, the rush the people the suffocation the silence the headachethedancethepeoplethepeoplethepeople -

I spun away from the gym doors and walked in the opposite direction, as fast as I could in my damn wedges. I didn't stop walking until I reached the benches where Isabelle and the rest of our group liked to meet in the morning, until the music from the dance was just a distant thrum if I didn't try to hear it.

I sank into the closest bench. The breath I had been holding whooshed out of me, and I put my face into my hands, trying to stop the dizziness pounding in my head.

Out here, alone, it felt like the world was suddenly diffusing again. I finally let myself breathe.

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"Alright, spill it."

Isabelle was leaning against the rows of lockers, fingers fiddling with her perfect braid as she shot daggers in my direction.

"Hm?"

Her eyes felt like they were piercing me. I looked back down at my physics book, pretending to be immersed in studying for the quiz next period.

I heard the click of Isabelle's locker door shutting, and winced nervously when she prodded my shoulder.

"Hadley," she said sternly. "I let it go Saturday night because you looked tired. But where the hell did you go off to? D'you know how long I was searching for you?"

I glanced up at Isabelle, meeting her eyes sheepishly. "Sorry."

"Like, geez, did something happen? Was it -" Isabelle paused delicately, which was how I knew she knew that she was leaving the right words unspoken.

I grimaced, though I already knew that Isabelle was the only person who would ever come close to knowing how I was with social events and people. The problem was communicating about those uncomfortable feelings to each other: the ones that Isabelle did not completely understand, and the ones that I could not put into words, when words seemed to diminish their magnitude into mere syllables.

"I went to the benches by the courtyard," I said at last. "It was okay, really. Now shh, I didn't study at all for this physics quiz!"

"Neither did I. Neither did anyone. You're too good of a student, Hadley," Isabelle muttered. But she slipped an arm around my shoulder, saying, "You didn't miss much, anyway. The music was terrible."

I smirked. "I know. That's what I was running from."

Isabelle rolled her eyes, but dropped the subject. Instead, she swung up her bag from the floor and declared to the group of freshmen walking past, "Wish her luck on her super easy physics quiz!" With a wink, she swept down the corridor and called out pointedly, "You better be there at lunch, Hads! No hiding out in the library today."

I rolled my eyes, but I felt indescribably grateful toward Isabelle. She had told me many times that she didn't truly understand what went on in my mind - and it was true, Isabelle was a social butterfly.

But instead of leaving me for someone to match her energy and talkativeness, she always tried to keep me involved and as socially active as I could possibly be. She encouraged me to get out of my comfort zone, without overstepping my boundaries; for example, reminding me of the reasons to sit with people at lunch instead of alone in the back corner of the school like my mind yanked me toward sometimes.

Without Isabelle, I was pretty sure that I would choose to recluse into myself so deeply and tightly that I'd squeeze myself into oblivion.

I shifted my bag onto my shoulder and started off towards physics with my head tipped into my textbook. But I had barely taken two steps forward when my shoulder jostled into somebody's arm.

I glanced up and murmured distractedly, "Sorry."

Dark blue eyes met mine for a fraction of a second before the person nodded curtly and moved on without another look. I buried myself in my book again before pausing and turning slightly to stare after the guy's gray jacket.

I had a thing for eyes meeting eyes. It maybe had a teensy bit to do with the cliché "eyes lock on eyes" moment found in about every romantic work ever, but I felt as if looking into someone else's eyes was an easy way to connect with another person. It also conveniently did not require speaking.

I smiled a little and turned away, feeling suddenly warm inside. I was going to make today be a good day, I decided quickly, while this feeling lasted. I was going to listen to Isabelle's silent encouragement and make it through the day without running away. Today, I'd stick it through like I couldn't at the dance, and I was determined for today to be a good day for me.

And I was going to ace that physics quiz.

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That Monday after the homecoming incident did, in fact, turn out to be a good day.

It was the Thursday of that week that everything changed for me, that Thursday in which my world flipped inside out.

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A/N: Hey everyone! I am so excited about the publishing of this story. I have been wanting to write a story like this for a long time now, but have never found the right characters to carry it. But in Hadley, I have. What do you think so far? Do any of you connect to Hadley?
xo, Autumn