The Probability of Forward

chapter 2: ruthlessly frosted

ON THURSDAY, ISABELLE DIDN'T come to school.

For most of the day, I didn't think too much of it - I just texted her at break asking if she was sick or if she was ditching because of the in-class English essay we were having today. She hadn't replied by the time it was lunch, and Julianne, leaning over my shoulder as we stood in line for lunch, frowned pensively at my unreplied messages to her.

"Harper wasn't in math today, either. Maybe their whole family is sick?"

"Harper?" I tried to her, surprised. "What about David?" The twins were juniors, only a year younger than us and ridiculously smart. I knew for a fact that David hated missing school, because of all the work he would have to make up; he'd literally dragged himself to school once with a fever.

"I don't know." Julianne's eyebrows furrowed. "Iz isn't replying to me, either."

"Yeah."

We lapsed into silence that lasted until we got to the front of the line.

Julianne and I were technically part of the same group, but the interaction between us stopped at that, and the fact that we were both friends with Isabelle. In fact, this was the case with the rest of the group, Zoe and Martin. It was always Isabelle who bridged the gap between me and my awkwardness and the liveliness of the rest of them. She pulled me into the conversations I couldn't bring myself into, and prompted me in such a way that even my panicking mind could string together several words to contribute.

Which was why, in the wake of her absence, I couldn't bring myself to stay with Julianne, Martin, and Zoe during lunch.

"Sorry," I said to them, standing awkwardly with my sandwich clutched in one hand and my apple in another. I paused before my next words, wondering if it wouldn't be that awful to stay with them. But then I thought about how I'd probably end up nibbling my sandwich on the side as their conversation raged in front of me, and my throat constricted. "I have to work on my, um, math test."

I cringed before the words even left my mouth. Oh, fucking beautiful excuse, Hadley. Because that just makes so much sense.

But the group didn't question it, thankfully. They just nodded and waved to me.

As soon as I spun around, halfway relieved, and started rapidly walking away, my hands stopped shaking. The tightened muscles in my shoulders loosened, and I let out a long breath.

Don't get me wrong. A big part of me wanted to stay with the people I considered friends. But I could breathe now, as I walked around the inside perimeter of the school, and I wasn't sure I would be able to if I stayed with them, with that - awful cloak suffocating my mind and mouth.

So for that reason - the same reason, every time - I had to do what I did best, and I left.

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It was in two hours after school ended that Isabelle finally texted me back.

I was leaning back in my chair, taking a break from my physics homework, when a text from Isabelle showed up on the screen of my phone.

yo Hads I'm coming over to ur house rn

Typical Isabelle. Invite herself over without answering any of my previous texts. I practically spasmed in my lurch to grab my phone off the table and text her back, Are you okay???

She didn't even reply to me. I sat there fiddling with my pencil and checking my phone, like, every minute, until I heard coarse banging on the front door and then my little sister's voice chirping, "Hi, Isabelle!"