Personal Blog

Asking questions

"Why?" I ask myself. Why am I so stupid? why do I waste my time with stupid things, like trying to be an artist or being able to learn music? I'm not good enough. I fake a smile to get through the day, and cry myself to sleep at night. Why can't I be pretty or smart? why can't can't I be good enough? why am I so worthless?

Mistakes

He thinks I'm perfect, she thinks I'm the worst.

I try to hard to fit in.

People act like they like me, but talk about me behind my back.

I can't stand this anymore.

I make mistakes, please don't judge me anymore.

They say I'm ugly, I'm not ugly society is.

They can't accept me because I'm different.

Bu I say stupid things and make more mistakes.

I don't understand why I can't be normal.

Self harm

Self harm is like a disease with no cure. Once you get it you are stuck with it for life. Just because the symptoms aren't there doesn't mean you are healed, once you start there is no "getting better". You are just stuck in remission your whole life and could relapse at any moment in time. People who have never had to deal with it don't realize what it's like, they just think it's a phase or a cry for attention. Really, it's a way to escape the mental pain. The feeling of harming yourself is like no other, your heart races, you feel mentally numb and you forget how to be emotional for a few short minutes. I no longer harm myself, but I have and there is always a chance I might go back. I always keep a semi colon on my wrist to represent my life. An author doesn't want to end a sentence so they add a semi colon. In this case I am the author and the sentence is my life I just decided to keep on writing.

Fear

Fear is in everyone. We all have something we at afraid of. For some people it's snakes, clowns, or spiders. For other people it's deeper than a physical thing. I am afraid of not being good enough, I have atelophobia. I also have monophobia, the fear of being alone. I am afraid of being forgotten, athazagoraphobia. And a major one for me is trusting, pistanthrophobia. Other people may be afraid of pain or being unloved. I know some people say fear is just your imagination, but I think there is more to it. If fear is just your imagination, then why is it so hard to overcome a fear? fear is real it lives in all of us. We can't jut imagine fear, if someone is going to kill you that fear of dying is not imaginary, it's real. Very real. We experience fear all the time. We fear creatures, we fear death, we fear loneliness. But we all fear the future.

Relapse

Start, recover. Relapse, recover. Relapse, struggle. Therapy. Feeling worthless. People care, I know they do, but they don't understand. It's like screaming, but no one can hear you. I feel like I'm drowning, yet I can see everyone around me breathing. I want help, I need help. I need someone to understand. That will probably never happen. People say it's for attention. If it was for attention then I would do it informer of your face. I wouldn't lock myself in the bathroom. I wouldn't cover it up with long sleeves. And I wouldn't look so ashamed when you ask to look at them. It is definitely not for attention. It just so happens you found out, probably by accident. or maybe you already knew, you just needed to hear it from me. Call home. Call therapists. Try to get me help. How much it will work, I don't know.

Thanks for "loving" me

My mom acts like she cares, I know she doesn't. She knows her daughter is disturbed, but she doesn't do a damn thing about about it. I cry and scream when I'm alone, but when I'm around her I acts like the perfect child. I fake a smile, I hide all my scars just to keep her from getting stressed, and you say I don't do anything for you. if only you knew.