THE GOOD SHIP WOUNDED CLAM
a short play
by Vincent Truman
A group of pirates gather onstage, adlibbing variations on ‘argh’ and ‘aye’ to each other. Captain Lucky enters the stage with a crate, which he subsequently puts down and stands on. He waves his arms to get everyone’s attention.
CAPTAIN
Argh! Alright, ye scurvy dogs. Shut yer treasure-seeking traps now!
All the pirates go silent.
CAPTAIN
My bloodthirsty mates of the Wounded Clam – listen closely. As ye all know, in a few minutes, we will be landin’ upon Dire Island for a bloodthirsty exercise in treachery, torture, treachure and torchery.
ALL
(in anticipatory glee)
Argh!
CAPTAIN
Argh! Shut up, yer swervy logs. Make sure you know what yer supposed to do, based on the detailed bullet-point memorandum the first mate distributed early today. Do ye have any questions?
Percy, a rather timid looking pirate, raises his hand.
CAPTAIN
Aye, Percy?
PERCY
(who sounds nothing like a pirate – he’s just a guy)
Captain, it says on here that I’m supposed to find cheese.
CAPTAIN
Aye, Percy, cheese.
PERCY
Why am I assigned to find cheese of all things?
CAPTAIN
Why are ye assigned to find cheese?!
(thinks)
Well, we need cheese.
ALL
(approvingly)
Argh!
PERCY
But I sorta… signed up for the Rape Committee.
CAPTAIN
I got too many on the Rape Committee as is. Be lucky you got cheese.
PERCY
(to the others)
Who else is on the Rape Commi…?
All the other pirates raise their hands.
PERCY
Everyone?
ALL
(happy)
Argh!
CAPTAIN
Argh – is there any other questions?
PERCY
(to the other pirates)
Does anyone want to help me get cheese?
All the pirates go silent quickly.
CAPTAIN
Don’t be fussin’, Percy. As Captain Buckholder once said, there is no “I” in “team.”
ALL
(reverently)
Aye!
PERCY
Well, that’s not really fair. I can rape.
ALL
(jovially, unbelieving)
Argh!
PERCY
I can, too!
CAPTAIN
Argh! Quiet, everyone. Alright, let’s see… rape Yoeman Scully.
Yoeman Scully, a rather hot looking red-headed female, steps forward, her hands firmly on her hips.
PERCY
She’s my sister.
SCULLY
C’mon. Rape me.
PERCY
Eww.
ALL
(disappointed)
Argh!
CAPTAIN
Percy, Percy….. ye canna rape a fly.
SCULLY
Why canna you be rapin’ anything, Percy? Did you learn nothing from rape class?
PERCY
It’s a little disrespectful, isn’t it?
SCULLY
Do ye not know that it’s not about respect. It’s about power!
LOOKOUT
(offstage)
Land ho!
CAPTAIN
Alright, ye smurfy fogs! To work!
The pirates all put one hand over their eyes and exit Stage Left, ‘argh’ing as they go. The ‘argh’ing continues as the pirates make their way backstage en route to the Stage Right entrance.
As they do this, a Vendor, replete with apron with the word ‘CHEESE’ on it, enters the stage area and stops Center.
VENDOR
Cheese. Get your cheese here. Cheese.
The pirates re-enter from Stage Right, loping along, ‘argh’ing loudly. Percy enters, approaches the Vendor. The other pirates lope right passed the Vendor and exit Stage Left again. Percy picks up a brick of cheese and, sneering ineffectively, turns and exits Stage Right.
The VENDOR shrugs and exits Stage Left.
Blackout.
