the sitter | lewandowski

thirty

30; old man

"everybody wants to go fast, but they can't compare."

//

Under the advisement of her doctor, Saoirse agreed to stay at the hospital, where her activities could be easily monitored so that nothing like what'd happened at lunch with Kelsey and Mari happened again.

So, she'd been there for around two and a half months months. It wasn't too bad, really—her room was her own and resembled that of a hotel suite, while the hospital had beautiful gardens and views and real, edible food. She could leave to go somewhere if she really wanted to, but she would have to have a proper reason and wasn't fit to drive herself around, so it was a little too difficult.

On this particular afternoon, Robert had taken Nova with him to visit Saoirse. "It's actually such a beautiful process, isn't it?" Saoirse spoke, as her and Robert watched Nova feed ducks and chase birds near the pond.

Robert smiled a little. "What is?"

"Seeing your child grow. Nova's not my child, but when I started watching her, she couldn't take one step—and now she can hardly go anywhere without getting caught up and running or skipping. It's just crazy how fast everything happens." Saoirse watched Nova's curly hair bounce in front of her eyes as she continued to run around. "I hope I can be around once she's my age. I don't want her to end up like me."

"Oh, don't say that." Robert pulled Saoirse into his lap and latched the crook of his neck onto her shoulder before he gazed up at her. "Everyone is flawed, Saoirse. You're not perfect, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you."

Saoirse smiled. "I appreciate your efforts, Robert, but there is something wrong with me. It's this stubborn mindset that I've developed that got me into so much trouble. Without it, I wouldn't have even come onto you."

Robert smiled a little more. "I'm glad you did that, though. I just hate that it's resulted in this."

"Well, I don't care." Saoirse spoke. "It's not like I would go back and not love you if it meant avoiding this."

Robert felt his chest swell as Saoirse lifted her arm and latched it around his neck, her hand rubbing circles of comfort on his back as she smiled down at him. "God, Robert, are you crying?"

Robert felt the corners of his lips turn up. "No." He claimed, with his eyes closed. He opened them and Saoirse smiled a little as tears began to brink his eyes, then he spoke. "My eyes are just watering."

"You always say that!" Saoirse tilted her head back and laughed out loud, but the moment she drew in a breath too large and began to cough, Robert chuckled himself before realizing he should ask if she was okay. "I could've been dying," Saoirse responded, "And you just sat there and laughed!"

Robert bit his bottom lip, a boyish smile still on his face. He wasn't going to say it out loud, of course, but while Saoirse was hoping that she could be around long enough to see Nova grow up, he was still hoping Saoirse would be around long enough for him to watch her grow up.

"If it comes down to you or the baby, I want you to choose yourself." Robert spoke, finally.

"Why would I do that?"

"Because you still have an entire life to live, Saoirse. I mean, I think this would be different if you were my age, because I've lived a large majority of my life and I know what it has to offer. But you...you have no idea." Robert spoke, calmly.

"It seems selfish, choosing myself over my child." Saoirse responded, solemnly. "I've been so selfish my whole life. I don't know if I could live with the guilt."