Random Shorts

Truly Alone

I always used to think I knew what it was to be alone. But the truth is, I didn't. I only knew what it was like to be lonely. And sure, I had felt lonely plenty of times. But nothing can even compare to this. And as I sit here with my mind, and the darkness that it brings, I finally know what it is to be truly alone.

Everyday I walk through a city of people who are all different. Different faces, different interests, different social statuses. But it seems as though they all have something in common. It appears that they were all born in the right body. Everyone I meet these days is cisgender. I probably sound crazy, and maybe I am, but I can't help the fact that I'm like this. I feel like an alien walking around. My body is a stranger to me. I'm suffocating in my own skin. It's like a costume that I can't take off. What's even worse is that I constantly feel this pain. I'm dying to come out, I'm practically bursting at the seams. I'm a stick of dynamite ready to blow, but I have no spark. These feelings are eating me alive. I desperately want to tear off my skin in hopes that maybe then, this body will no longer haunt me.

No matter where I go, I always feel out of place. Like a color photo in a sea of black and white polaroids. It really doesn't help that I come from a christian family. The christian community is where I feel most out of place. I'm constantly looked at like some kind of circus animal. It's like I have the word heathen stamped on my forehead in all caps. They say that all I need is God. If God really is real, then he's the bastard who did this to me. Due to whatever it is about me that says, stare at me because I clearly am the spawn of satan himself, I decided to distance myself from the church as much as I could. I stopped going to weekly teen hangouts and devotionals as well as large church events, and weekly Sunday service. I know I'm the only one among them who's like this, and I'd rather not sit for however many hours it is just to feel even more alienated than I already am. When I'm not around they say things about me. They'll say I'm a sinner, that I pretend to be this. They'll say I'm disgusting and a fake, without so much as a second thought. I often find myself wishing that they knew what it was like. That I didn't ask for this. That if I could go back and change it all, I would. I would give anything to feel comfortable in this body. Anything to stop the sadness. Anything to take away the darkness flooding my mind. Anything.

But it's not just in churches that I am estranged. It's everywhere. It doesn't matter where I go, I always get the look.  I get it in my house, I get it walking down the street, and I get it in school. I cannot escape the look. I guess I should get used to it and stop fearing it. Fear. It's a funny thing, ya know. It takes most people their entire lives to work up the guts to face their fears. However, I do it everyday. Some might say that makes me stronger, but I don't feel that strong when I'm being scared shitless by a strangers' gaze. I feel pretty weak walking around with the knowledge that I could be harassed or assaulted at any minute, looming over my head. Most days I wish that I'd never come out of the closet. But, then again, most days I wish that I had never even been born. I know that their are others out there that feel this way, but I still haven't found any. I'd like to think that I could find someone, but I doubt I'll ever find anyone that lasts.

So I sit here now, alone, with only my thoughts to comfort me. But, so far they suck at that. At least now I know. I never really wanted to know, but I guess it was inevitable. After all, I've spent too many days trying to cut myself free to not know. To know what? You may ask. To know what it's like to have absolutely no one. To know what it's like to be truly alone. Because to be truly alone, is to be me.

A/N: Thanks so much for reading, I know this is super short.