50 Shades Of Retard

Chapter One

The atramentus sky like a blanket spread across, it would have been beautiful if I was not so drunk.

Keira, Vero, Danny, Veri, Neon and Paige sat outside a crimson bar in busy Ibiza, the alabaster faces of the drunken teens riddled the streets, screaming and shouting flew past you every where you went, LSD flying everywhere bottles were the new birds and vomit was the new path, these are just some of the joys being friends with Vero, Danny and Neon....

The crimson bar that we sat out of was not to pleasant yet we didn't care, Vero was too busy becoming a sprinkler whether it'd come from the top or bottom. A large sign flickered above the bar reading "Drunken' Donuts" this applied to Vero and Danny pretty well at this point, Neon was holding up yet still cowering behind a rose bush gagging. I mean to be honest this was a fun night until someone had the smartest idea of robbing a boat, you probably all guessed Keira, no it was not me it was Vero, yes that's right. Vero stood up and falied her vodka drenched arms up, her pupils largened as she realised standing up that fast wouldn't work out so good she crashed down and her ivory colourd face suddenly lit up she let out a loud screech as she tried to pull herself up from the wet mud infested ground "Wow, wasen't that cool, you guys?" she chuckled as she stood up. Danny wobbled her way over to Vero's chair, she looked Vero dead on in her burnt sienna eyes. Danny's hand shook as she tried to kiss Veros knee better she done a quick 'Slut Drop' to the floor before sucking Vero's now bloodshot knee when Danny removed her lips from Vero's knee a long saliva trail followed "Danny y-you naughty boy!" Vero sniggered before smashing her fist down onto the table and announcing her and Danny were now married. Danny let out a loud burp which gave off a vile pickle aroma before throwing a bronze soaked plate to the ground and screaming at the top of her child sounding voice"Merry fucking christmas you stupid bitch" then running into Vero's arms and sucking on her cheek murmering "I'll give you the best hickey ever Vero" at this point me, Neon, Veri and Paige just sat in agony watching these to frantically flail their arms at eachother and announcing nonses amoung only them two, not knowing we could clearly hear everything. While waiting for Vero and Danny to stop acting all lovey for a second little did we know that Neon was in the back downing shots of Vodka we soon found this out and a demonic screech from the bushes said "Danny! do you see Vero's voluminous bresticles" I looked behind me to see Neon in now just a sparkly pink sports bra that read "Ibiza, more like seisure" before I could even get to the end of my sentence Neon came running past us all swinging her T-shit around singing and humming random tunes and expressing her love for the shape of circular objects, this was when Paige jumped in and started chatting about how becoming a wearwolf would be a dream come true as she has very 'serrated' teeth. Paige walked round us and we all wondered what was going on even Danny and Vero stopped it took us about 4 minutes before realising that she was playing duck-duck goose and the goose got a free lap dance- Paige stood on the table and wobbled around trying to get her balence she latched onto the bar wall and choked a few times before flickering her lashes and telling us all the lucky goose would be- "Veri, please sit down in a nice comfy seet and prepare yourself" she gargled some Jelloshots before kicking her matte black heals off and leaping on to Veri's tense body. "V-Veri is hard for me and everyone knows it, haha!" She murmered under her voice before attempting to twerk, not realising her teal thongs were the only thing on show right at this point, Veri turned his head and closing one eye he grabbed Paige's hips and put her on the floor like a small puppy "Paige, please as much as I like you I must say you're very drunk-" Veri said in a low voice trying to hide the fact he was also tipsy and on his way out. A few shots later and possibly 2 fishbowls we were all ready to die, our faces let off a bright white glow nearly everyones mandible was numb and it was getting hard to speak even the most simple words were dripping from our mouth in the forum of saliva. Vero made a sharp turn wedging Danny into the seat opposite her before giving everyone an ominous look licking her moisture deprived lips then briefly giving everyone a rant about how someone left their perfectly good boat in the harbour...

A short period of time passed and Vero came up with the fantastic idea of sailing into the deep ocean, while intoxicated, without life jackets, a captain or anything helpful in general but of course the sleep deprived drunken humans that we are said "Oh sure! let's go do it" so we all ran to the boat, the musky aroma filled our nostrils leaving an amonia smell behind, the green seaweed that lay across the deck gave off a horrid smell that left us all gagging and holding our breath for as long as we possibly could. "Vero" Danny called out with a cheeky smirk "You know we should go to love island" she chuckled like someone had just told the most hilarious joke possible Vero replied shortly after giving Danny and everyone else a sympathetic look before saying in a low tone "Being on a boat with me should already mean 'Love Island'" We all rubbed our head before laughing which turned into choking eventually-

Vero began to press random controls on the boat before finding the 'Go' button we all zoomed off as Vero put it to full speed we latched onto the chairs for the sake of living while Vero sniggered and smashed all the buttons until final realising she just had to pull the most obvious big leaver backwards I said in a sarcastic voice "There goes one of my lives" while popping open a can of cider while Danny licked my shoulder repeating "Meow" over and over. And so we all set of into the darkness with only a crate of alcohol eachother and regrets, surely there was no hope...