By Design

The Narratives of Two Men and an Idiot

Guilt eats you.

Literally eats you.

I managed no more than an hour of sleep last night, the memory of yesterday harshly jerking me awake every time I dared to drift off.

And oh, the guilt.

If I'd seen Elliot's expression, if I'd looked back, I would've collapsed to the floor in a tangled mess. The pain in his voice, the way he accentuated my name with pure despair that begged for me to stay broke my heart.

Yet I still didn't look back.

My guts wrenched together like knotted ribbons, no doubt a punishment for my cowardice. It was only homeroom but I was dreading the forthcoming meeting with Elliot. I couldn't bear to see him.

*****

I exhaled through my nose as I rubbed my forehead, tired. The lunch bell screamed at me mockingly and I was tempted to snap back at it.

'Tess?' I looked up through the gaps of my fingers to see Derek's face unusually twisted with concern.

'Yes?'

'Are you-' He hesitated. It was uncharacteristic of him to select his words carefully, but I appreciated his efforts. 'Are you...OK?' I sighed.

'Yes.' His eyebrows lifted, unconvinced.

'It's about Elliot,' he stated as a fact. I moved my eyes away from him. 'Damn. That bad?'

'I-' I began before realising that there was no hiding from Derek's shrewd eagle eyes. '-yes. It's quite bad.'

'Wanna talk about it?' he mused out of social protocol because he knew exactly what my response would be. 'OK, I get it,' he added knowingly when I didn't reply.

'What about you?' I inquired, slinging my bag over my shoulders. 'What about your friends?'

I was still deemed socially incompatible with Derek's friends and though I enjoyed his company immensely, I wasn't going to be the one to hold him back.

'What about them?' Derek popped a piece of gum in his mouth and chewed loudly.

'Aren't you going with them?'

'They can spare me for an hour. I'll see them after school anyway, so there's plenty of Derek to go around,' he grinned, raising an eyebrow playfully. I wanted to smile back, but I couldn't ever smile without sincerity. I practiced in the mirror several times, but the only reason why I succeeded then was because the idiotic sight of myself twitching my lips amused me.

In real life, I failed to apply the practice. And in this moment, I just couldn't smile.

'I'd prefer to be alone right now, Derek,' I said quietly. 'Thank you for your concern though.' He rolled his eyes and sat heavily on my desk with his legs spread open.

'Tess, remember when I said that you and I were going to hang out later and there was no way you could object? I'm keeping my word here,' he said lazily, slinging his arms around his knees. I observed him carefully; the smile adorning his lips was slow and casual but his dark blue eyes had a rogue glint in them, as if daring me to take a stand against him. I didn't.

'I can't seem to say no to you,' I muttered. His grin only widened.

'I know.'

******

'So which one do you usually get?' Derek peered closely at the delicate cakes and pastries sculpted to perfection in the glass displays in the cafeteria.