Canceled Runaway

First Entry @ 10:38pm 011303

Dear Whoever Cares,

So I was going through my old diary and I found an entry that made me want to start a new one. It says, "Hey its Alex! I'm really scared. I just woke up. I just had a horrible flashback dream from when I got attacked. I was in bed, and he came up to me in his wheelchair. He woke me up by jumping on me kind of. Then when he jumped on me I woke up and started to write this. Im ok now but I just wanted to tell you. Well I'm gonna go now! BYE". I read this and remembered how horrified I was. I remember I wrote this when I was 9, now I'm 16. A lot has happened since Ive grown up so I decided to start new. I was instantly in tears from reading this.

A little about me , so I was born January 3rd, 1987. Everyone has kind of hated me my whole life. People at school, my "boyfriend", my family, even people I dont even know. One day I went down stairs and my dad got in my face yelling at me because my mom dropped glass. I told him I would sweep it up. When I did I snuck a piece of glass in my pocket. My mom caught me, and all she could do was laugh. It really hurt knowing that she would even encourage me. I think the reason people bully me more at school now than before is because my self harm. They used to call me b****,fat, ugly, loser, nothing, worthless, mistake, etc. Now they call me attention seeker, b****, fat, ugly, loser, nothing, mistake, worthless, mistake, control freak. They just make fun of my self harm instead of helping me. Not even the teachers care about it, they just kind of laugh it off like it's a joke. My school kinda sucks. They just look at me in disgust. I guess after that I started to believe them.

So yea, I've cut myself on my face, shoulders, legs, arms, stomach, basically everywhere. And my "boyfriend" doesn't even care. He's violent, He hates my guts, and we're only together because he forces me to be with him. If I try to leave him, he beats me, or smacks my cuts that I've done recently only because he knows it hurts. He also gets in my face and says" I'm the only one you have, if you leave me then you're all alone." But he's right, he is the only one I have. Even though he doesn't really care about me, I care about him.

So today I had to go to school. The worst part of my life. When I walk into class of course everyone starts laughing at me except for one guy. He comes up to me and says "Hi, I'm Chris" I was so shocked, I passed out.

I awoke to a very gorgeous face looking down at me. He was looking down with concern all over his expression. " Are you alright?" He asked me, I nodded " Should I take you home?" I sit up, shocked. "Is he speaking to me?" I ask myself as my head is pounding with pain. I slump back onto whatever I was laying on because my head felt like ten bulls were trying to break they're way out of my skull. " I'm fine." I say holding my head. " No you're not, here." He reaches out showing me contents of his hand, a blue pill with a small white cup which I assume held water. " It's asprin I expect you're head is hurting like hell considering you're holding onto it for dear life." He said looking at me almost smiling. I reached out and grabbed the pill and cup from his hand popping the pill in my mouth and chugging down the water in the cup taking the pill down with it. "You hit your head pretty hard. Do you want me to take you home?" "No, I'll be alright." I say but really I wasn't alright, I was dizzy and everything was blurry.

Once I got my vision back to normal I forgot where I was. Chris helped me walk to my desk when I figured it out. Everyone was still laughing at me. Then I look at the teacher and like always she is laughing at me too and not doing anything about the situation. She didn't even send me to the nurse or concerned that I had got hurt. I have to go to bed, it's pretty late.