I'm basically going to sum up my life throughout these years. So I suffer from depression during 2013-2014 I had unhealthy habits of cutting my self, drinking to the point of blacking out, getting so high I couldn't function and I had tried to over dose. My parents found out about everything I was going through and decided they wanted to "help me". You see my quotations on help me. They decided to send me to a wilderness program. Yeah the program worked for a while I was clean for about a year and then I drank I learned how to pace myself and be conscious about everything weather it be what I drank or how much I drank. I actually thought I was going to be okay but then my thoughts of depression and suicide came back I started to crave the high and wanted to escape my life. But I would never admit it to anyone. I felt like no one truly understood what I was and still am going through. I then started to smoke and drink again but I kept telling myself I had it under control that I was just doing it for fun. But that's were I was wrong I soon realized I was using it as an escape. It got to a point where I would come to school high my parents never found out about it but I knew what I was doing and that hurt even more. In a way my parent where oblivious to me I felt like I was living a double life. This past summer I ended up smoking with one of my "best friends" and my mom found out she was so pissed at me and I think that's what really made me stop smoking for a while but I crave the feeling and it scares me. Is this normal? Should I feel this way? I feel as though it's bad to want this.
This summer I was also talking to this guy. I thought he was super cute and we started to get to know each other I ended up seshing (smoking) with him. We both said how we didn't want a relationship and we just wanted to hookup. The only weird part about him was even though he said he just wanted to hookup he would ask me what my favorite color was and tell me how he loved my eye color like is this what normal guys who just want to hook up do. I was okay with this because I don't really like relationships. But before we could even meet up or anything he just stoped talking to me. I don't know if I did something or if he just isn't interested in me anymore but it hurts because I actually started to like this guy. And I want to punch myself every time I think of him because we both go to the same school and he is in the homeroom directly across from me. So I have to see his stupid face every f*cking morning. It hurts like hell. So yeah that's my "love life" for you.
I live in south Florida like so about 30 minutes for University of Miami and I have two good friends who go there and they invited me to go tailgate with them. So me being me I said yes well actually I said "HELL YESSSS" but that's besides the point I went to the game and ended up blacking out and in the hospital. That was an eventful day to say the least but it happened and my parents where pissed. But I honestly think it's funny and they asked me if I regretted it and I said no and I think that's what pissed them off even more. My mom is basically the definition of a psychopath so she wasn't happy at all. She is also being a b*tch and keeps bringing it up. Like I get it was bad but it's in the past for a reason. I don't really know if any of this makes sense to any of you people reading this but I'm just venting about my life and trying to get a better understanding of it. If that makes any sense. I just can't wait to get away from her and go to college. She's such a control freak it's suffocating. I don't really know what I'm saying anymore I'm just rambling now I'm sorry. Part of me loves feeling sad and depressed it almost welcoming while the other half of me is telling me I shouldn't love it because you're supposed to want to be happy. But what if some of us aren't meant to be happy we're just meant to be there and live in the moment. I have learned in my life so far to take things as they come because that's life I guess.
Note:
so yeah I hope this kind of made sense I haven't proofed it yet. I don't really know what else I am supposed to say here but I am basically writing this so see if it helps to get my thoughts on to paper and vent in a way maybe it will help me maybe it won't but at this point it is worth a shot.
Xoxo, Layton
